Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Im not as special as you are

Dont ask me if I like music. No, let me rephrase that, dont ask me if I like music, then test me on my knowledge of music history.

If I say, "Man that was a great song." Assume that I dont know the name of the song or the artist. I have news for you: IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.
At this point the guy is livid. How is it possible that you like the song but dont know the name??? Well retardo, I like MUSIC. If I liked names I would think of names for my future children.

And you cant just like the music, you have to know it. The seemingly innocent question " Do you like ?" If you answer in the affirmative you are in big trouble. First this dusty nerd will dust of his Trivial Pursuit game on that particular band, take out a jewel case, smack you across the face with it, and challenge you to a duel.

Ifyou are in this situation, explain the snot that you are "only into the music man", and that you try not to "concentrate" on the "outside forces" that might "take away" from the "purity" of matchbox twenty or Guns n' Roses.

If you do this you might be able to avoid trivia such as "How many pimples did Lars have in the second version of the music video"one"?

Then of course if you say you like the music, there are those that will ask you how each song makes you feel. If you give the wrong "feeling" you become a fraud. Another important tidbit: I don't put that much thought into anything (as evident from this blog) and I especially dont think how I feel when I listen to "Stairway to Heaven." Shocking I know. Music is just a way to chill, not my religion.

Dont think Jewish music fans are better. They are even worse. Pompous. So very Pompous. If you dare say that you bought the third solid Gold CD for that one song that sounds like the Lion King, you will get blasted. I mean c'mon dude its Solid Gold. Jewish performers always put their best songs on CD's that dont have their names plastered across the front of it.

Knowing the music is not even enough in the Jewish world. Most of the mainstream stuff is pretty well known, and the Hits are so few these days most people Know it.

You better be quick with the Trivia. "Do you know that the kid in yeshiva Boys Choir, second row 4 deep, smoked Yeedles second to last Cigarette, on his mothers birthday?

You also need to own every Jewish CD that ever came out. No cheating. You cant buy the CD's later and then claim that you own everthing, you must pay the full 20 dollars for all the CD's when they come out. You also need a couple of obligatory autographs and the likes.

The most important thing that a jewish music fan must have, is of course, a relation to a singer. You must know his family, what he eats for supper, if he farts after eating to much cholent, and if he does a good Job with kabolos Shabbos. No jokes.

And then there are the sports Junkies. Oy Vey. "So are you a Baseball fan?" "Yes."
"Oh really?" "Yes, a Yankee fan." "Did you suffer through the tough years??? Through the eightees and early ninties when they were a bad team???? Huh??" " Um no dude, I was about 3,4,5 - 12 in those years. I enjoyed Mashed peas, and Mr. Rogers Neighborhood mostly."
"Well then you arent a reeeeeeeeeeal fan, you have to suffer first. Suffffffer. You here me kid??"

"Yes, sir. I mean I became a fan of baseball because I thougt they were a good exciting team to watch, and they bring me joy. I guess it makes sense to try and suffer so I can be a real fan like you." (I can go on about hockey fans, but I dont want to bore you any further)

The bottom line is, that sports is entertainment. I guess to be a real fan of movies you have to watch Gili over and over again.

Again sports is a way to chill and procrastinate not a religion. (Dont tell that to the Texans and thier High School football religion.)

Thursday, May 25, 2006



They are amazing things. Come in all different forms. The first thing they tell you is stop once then again. Of course no one does.

The best part about stop signs are the fact that people never actually come to a complete stop. Its says stop buddy. Let me tell ya, ask not what your steel toe Docs can do for you, but what you can do for your steel toe docs. Thats right folks, they save toes. I was crossing once and this suburban (a friggin full size SUV) rolls through the stop sign. Ah, but not just through the stop sign but over my toes. Didnt feel a thing. Not because they were numb. You get my drift.

Just a side point, if you are 4 ' 10'' and a woman, or even a man,
1) It looks weird when we see the tippy top of your head and your fingers and maybe, just maybe a flash of eyelash over the steering wheel when you drive an enormous SUV. It doesnt make you any bigger or taller(ANYWHERE).

2) Dont roll over people toes. Its just wrong.

Ok as I was saying. There are two scenarios that are NOT laid out for you in the NYC drivers permit handbook. Four Way stop sign scenarious that is. Ok so your yelling now, YUH HUH.

well hear me out dogz:
1) 4 crazy stop sign rollers(or worse) come to a stop sign. They all assume the others will stop, four car pile up(cv).

2) 4 out of towners are sitting on the stop signs they come to and painting the letters over to make sure everything looks as pretty as back home. (ok the Out of town rant is for another time, but bottom line, NYC rocks. Unless your a pansy of course.) They all just keep doing the hand waving thing letting the other person go. They are waving so frantically that you feel a sand/garbage in the streets storm begin. Of course they never once honk their horn.

The question is: which scenario is better? One or two. Assume everyone is ok.
If you are are a New Yorker you pick one. Why? Because it akes less time for the cops to come fill out reports, tow the cars away, and take a cab too work. Out Of Towners will choose 2 because the signs DO need painting. (Maybe a nice magenta)

Of course scenario two won't last long, as a New Yorker comes out from behind, honks a few times. Kills all 4 drivers, takes thier wallets, CD's Jewlery and strips the cars down. That is actually quicker then number one. Pick your poison.

My favorite stop signs are the Human ones. Thats right. The guys who dont want to actually do constuction are given a red flag and an orange jacket. HAHAHAHAHAHA. That little red flag aint stoppin nothing. I feel for these guys, as they have to time the traffic and at just the right time, they jump in. If they are lucky we wont be scarping him off the pavement. I kid you not.

Last but not least you are bikeriding, and you come to a stop at a stop sign and right behind you a huge hummer barrels through it. You of course check it out, smile and wave as they shout out something to you that sounds like this:
"efwf wrethgr
weffwef ffe qregqer"

The words are kind of jumbled at first.

Then as they pass the words kind of straighten out and you hear clearly. " Hitler was right". or "Your mother is a _________."

You promptly speed up and then realize if you cant catch spandex,you aint catching those guys. Plus they are bigger than you and they might kill you in various ways.

Instead you laugh at how STUPID hummers are because they guzzle gas.
It must cost a million bucks to fill that thing.

Then you pedal right on though a light.

*If you read this you can comment. I might even love you if you do.
** Hi.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Inspired by a poet (zj)

Attention attention that all that i seek

If i blogged for myself Id stop in a week.

Frustration? Drama? thats what you want?

And the truth is its there in invisible font

Why, oh why, do you search and explore

For some unknown name and the secrets they store

Its sad, its depressing and brings us all down

For once we should welcome non- intelligent clowns

Poetry is deep, drama is cruel

Cynicism is toxic, while humor is fuel

fools gold makes us happy

their writings do to

stop the complications for a second

and have some fun dude.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Start Spreadin' the News.

Its not in my job description to write about my day. However I have some random thoughts on last nights Yankee win.

First off if you have a short legged heavyish friend going to the game with you, SLOW DOWN. He cant keep up with you.

Also the whole stadium is a tease. You start walking up the ramp, and it keeps going. and going.and going. But then you see it. An oasis of hope. Yoy are done walking up. Uh no its just the lodge section. Keep walkin' fatty. At this point you cant breath. You wonder if that heavy lunch was worth it. You start cursing out the yankees, your shoes, bin laden, and entemenns. It always comes back to them. Then you smell it, the hotdogs/urine/popcorn smell of the upper deck. You feel right at home.

You catch your breath but then you see something that takes your breath away. What did celly belly see? He saw the kosher stand. The friggin kosher stand.

So based on the last few posts that you havent read or COMMENTED on you think "oh here we go again he will talk about how he loooooves hotdogs and now he can get one at a game."

Bzzzzzzt try again idiot.

You cant tell me that a hot dog can ever be worth 5 bucks. Ok if i was hungry i would buy one. But one is never enough. And then you need a drink. Thats 14 75 baby. Armed with a hotdog I was ready for the game.

Another thing I noticed is how people(ok it was me) with no rhythm should not cheer and clap with the other fans. For example. I heard dadadaddum on the loudspeaker and I screamed chaaaaaaaaaaar... dadum. darn. i missed my que. I always jump the gun. Oh and when the entire stadium takes off their cap for the national anthem, and you are wondering why you are getting stares from fellow fans, TAKE OFF YOUR CAP. ok.

3) And so it happened. That bottle of water (2.25 no jokes) wanted out. So i figured i would get a quick repreive. I would go in and out and run back.

I get to the restroom, running at high speeds (and there is alot of momentum there trust me), when I see the sign.
That magic word. That was the only thing i saw obviously as I rammed into this huge dude waiting to get in. That almost threw a wrench my ever so delicate balance of holding it in. I also contemplated usuing the womens bathroom, and made sure I had my affairs in order before mt bladder expoded. (Of course I heard crazy cheering and though i ws missi ng exciting play.)

Well the line was long. There are many stalls in there but the line was still out the door. I had tears in my eyes. Tears of desperation. I started asking hashem why beer blocks ADH production. Why! Anyhow i finally got in. Its not a pretty sigh. Blech.

There is also such a thing as proper bathroom ettiqiute. Its similar to the way one behaves on the subway in NYC. No eye contact. In a bathroom you better look staight aheadat that wall. That wall was the most interesting think I have ever studied. It took on a life of its own. (Thats cooler if you read the yellow wallpaper (n) .

Ok so i messed up. Dont ever look over. ever. But I was curious. Its not what you think. The guy was in in the line of sight of my wall. He was holding something over the stall, but with my rigorous concentration, I couldnt quite make it out. So I slightly turned. Slightly. The dude was no happy. He was holding his fries. He bought fries (probably for some sucker friend of his) and brought them in with him. I cant tell you how nasty that was. But what they hey they are yellow anyways. Can you imagine what micro organisms were floating around. And really think for a second. The fries were close to my nose, very close. I couldnt smell them. Ok lets move on.

GD bless America! That bothered me. No not the fact that we sang it, the fact that they put that up on the screen with an exclamation point. Its so nerdy. Its sounds like this this in my mind.
gd(ok fine) bless(still ok they might even get the whole thing in ) Americ- a! What the heck? Oh they want me to be excited about America. But i didnt realize. Oh shizzle. Now I have to read it again.

will you marry me joan? (oh crap its gone now).

Oh right. The game was good. Blaylock almost ruined it in the ninth. Phew. Oh and the friend I went with is hilarious.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

First seder.

Bochur One: Man this is a short Tos
2: Yeah not much to explain what he is driving at
1:looks down and concentrates for 2 second
2: copies 1
1:Hey maybe we should check out the Maharsha
2: flip flip
1: overflips
2: Do you see anything on this tos?
1:(flips back) um err think so
2: It has no shaychis to the sugyah
1: sure?
2: Lets ask Rebbe1: Noooooo! Then we are admitting we are to dumb to learn a simple short tos
2:Lets ask ____________-- the older bochur next to us
1: you ask
2: Hey Shmelky whats this tos saying?
Shmelky: Look at the Maharam
2: K good idea
1: Nuu?
2: Im going to get the Sharrei Tos
1: Ill get the artsroll and see if its brought down on the bottom
2:make sure no one sees you
1: No prob
1: waits on line for the tattered artscroll
2: Sees 3 pages on this little tos and blanches.
2:anxiously waits for one
1: After 20 minutes and a coffee figures out tos.
1:explains tos too 2
2:So thats what the maharsha was saying
1: right
2: So we get like 20 minutes of batalah time know right?1: thats 10 cents a minute, but its worth it.
Later in Shiur: 1 and 2 realize they did the wrong tos for shiur
chazarah for shiur: tic tac toe.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Biking with spandex

If you wear spandex while bike riding you better be a professional. You better be training to replace Lance armstrong for the tour de freedom. Otherwise you are a faker.

When I say faker I mean it. Its worse then those who are chassidish every other yom tov.

Spandex people are cheaters. Well before I get to that lets note that if you are wearing those little spandex shorts hunched over your 17000 dollar bike you better get your rump in shape. I dont need to see you quiver back there every time you pedal. Its disgusting. Crude but true.

You must also note that spandex people usually leave non spandex people behind them. Why you ask? Oh, it doesnt matter what age you are, or even if you have a physical disability, you always seem to win. Lets delve into the mind of a spendex biker.

1) Every aspect of your "outfit"(yeah I know they have biking outfits) must be aerodynamic. Thats right. So you might notice their helmets first. They Watch the cone heads and quickly use that as their model for aerodynamic success on their precious koppels. You are all a bunch of nerdy nerds.

2) Dress for success. You must always look good while working out. Maybe they also wax all the hair off their bodies beforehand. Gimme a break. When one works out you should be a disgusting sweaty mess afterwards. You spandies might not believe me, but you will not be donning a yellow Jersey on TV at the end of your little trip. You guys arent even biking to work out. Its wrong and you are clogging the road.

3) That brings me to the third point. Thery always need a "special path". Thats right. Much like those that buy hummers that will never go off road, they buy 10000 dollar bikes that are oh so delicate and light that even the slightest wind will raise their speed 5mph. You could prob eat one if you put it in your bowl of rice krispies.
Us non spandex people play dodgeball with them.(Thats the manly version of machanayim for you girls)

4) The worst aspect of spandies are their smug disgusting additude to us baggy shorts wearing, bulky cd player in the pocket, slightly overweight, wheezing that sounds like an airplaine taking off at kennedy, heavyish bike people. You "passed" us. Woopdie freakin do. Maybe we should get off our bikes and bow down to you. Im sure you are sprinkling roses when you have to go as well.

Lets think for a second. You are dressed to make sure that you cut through the wind like a knife, you are extra competitive when riding on your smooth, paved, no hills path, and your bike weighs less then my dear aunt sallys left pinky toe. You better friggin beat me.

That brings me to my last point. I beat you guys down too. Thats right boys. That flash of bulk. That smooth flapping of my baggy sweatpants, that heavy tniking sound of my gears is me.

No it wasnt a lunar eclipse passing over your tiny "lithe" self. It was me passing you. And Im already half way home by the time you are done crying.

The it dawns on you that my 8 year old 300 dollar bike out did your. Ouch.

*OK OK it only happened twice and it was a 90 year old man and 19 year old whimpy looking kid. But still.

**And dont pretend to not notice, when you pass and thereby scare the bejeezus out of me, causing me to careen into innocent roller bladers.

You Guys win. But so do I.

I will have to shorten my posts. Its turns out that I have way to much to do.


Monday, May 08, 2006


When one goes to cheat on ones diet one likes to do it quick.

First I put on my gameface. There should be some type of music in the background. If you cant pull it off then think hard about eye of the tiger. (Be warned it might be in your head later when you feel guilty.)

Then make sure you have some kind of goal or object in your mind. If you crave Dougies, then make sure you keep that goal in mind. Its better if you see the specific object of desire. If you think wings and go poppers that slight change can throw your entire mission off balance.

The more adept you get at cheating, the more you can stray. Instaed of ordering just the wings, you can order a side or two (depending how devastating the [Insert bad grade/teenage angst issue here]. The best cheater can actually run to Dougies then break off into another store for dessert. That is reserved for those that are Binging. Binging is another post in general.

A serial Binger will run madly from store to store and even pick up a DVD or sefer so he/she can have a comfortable cheating experience.

If you dont have the object in mind there are other distractions that might keep you from cheating. For example: Youy are full court press running to the cheating store of your choice, then suddenly your physical trainer says "hi", you quickly wipe off the maniacal desperate face and give a tentative "hi" back.

In the meantime you are reading his/her face searching it to see if he/she can tell what horrible deed you are about to commit. You look harder. No. No clue. Ssssafe. Ah so you think. A non-focused cheater will be thrown off by the "so where are you headed?" A seemingly innocent Questions. You answer "The fruit store then Ill see you in the Gym tonight." D'oh! You ruined it. You were going to be happy and complete and now you will be fruity and sweating away in the stinky Gym. Blech.

Ok now that you have a visual of the object you can leave the house. CAUTION: Be cool. If you run out of the house initially people will tip off your parents/S.O./future S.O./shadchan as to what you are doing. Trust me on this. Neighbors (and siblings) have loooong memories. Like elephants.

The best way to get to a cheating destination is to get the least amount of fresh air as possible. Fresh air might kill the bad mood/ or desire to clog your arteries. It has this natural effect on the human psyche. Be careful. So if possible go straight into the garage and hop into the car. Keep the windows firmly shut. In the car you want to avoid talk stations like WOR because they tend to have health/doctor talk that might(doubtful but you never know) sway your decision.

When you get to the store find a close spot, or go to a place has a lot. If there is no close space then drive to another store.

Aha you think thats bad advice because you might lose your concentration. However usually the ravenous hunger is better then any visual of a meatball and will drive you like a wild person to another closer and easier spot.

Once inside the store DO NOT GET DISTRACTED! Lock and load. Get what you first desired. Then you can have your fun. Pick out sides a dessert etc. However be warned that if you over do your cheat yu may never cheat again. Why? because you will be sick. Sick people dont eat the food that made them get sick in the first place. (see spinach slices).

OK. You did it. You bought the food. The hardest part is now. You want to rip the food out of its wrapping and chug. You want to mash it up with your fists and drink it with a straw. Thats how hungry you are. Yet you wait. You know that patience is a virtue. You close your eyes count 10 of whatever you got in your head, and lower your blood pressure. (Im assuming that the BP will go back up later.)

You drive slowly, and calmly back into your garage and take your food upstairs.

You have to understand. You cant even have a taste. Not because you cant stop,. Its just the opposite. You might stop. You might say " hmm maybe im not so hungry after all, maybe this is just a reaction to some minorly stressful situation" NOOOOOOOOO. You have to grab this zrizus and continue with ur mission. So where were we? Ahh yess. You are going up those strairs to the house. This is a special moment. You unwrap and smell the wonderful food. It doesnt have to smell good, it could be cake or something. But if you are smart you will have some utensils. A good cheater knows that the kitchen is the worse place to cheat. Its to convienent and makes it less exotic. Better the den or the [i wont say it as family members read this ;0, no not the sherutim].

Ok now eat. Oh yeah. It was worth it.

Ill follow with Part two some time later. The walking cheater. and The aftermath of cheating. I just dont think you can read so much drivel at once.


Friday, May 05, 2006

I think Im funny

Ok. I really do. Kinda. I know Im corny, but I think that at times I am funny. Like this Joke:

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Ok fine not that one.

Not the type of funny that is funny without knowing it. That might be true too. (Anyone have a mirror? Ok thats not funny)

What is really funny anyhow? Some people find Stephen King funny. I cant compete with that. I think that everyone finds flatulence funny. Thats right. The ol' toot toot. Of course Mincha on shabbos is NOT funny for those present. You just know which wife makes a good cholent. Its not funny when the guy who does it yells "SAFETY" after kedusha.

But think about it, a guy is giving his graduation speech and then suddenly [Insert sudden sound effect here]. Instant comedy. Ok so what else makes people laugh? Those jokes that arent funny. You know " Why did the girl fall off the swing?" horrible stuff, yet people laugh at that. (I was just being polite if/when i did.)

So when i started this short lived blog (you really think i can blog when Im married??? I dont think so, Ill be wearing a (hopefully) 19 inch LCD moniter around my head) I wanted to be funny.

So I wrote two posts. And people (I think) took me seriously. Ouch. That means it was so not funny that you bloggers felt sad and depressed that my life could have such horrible things happen. I mean cmon the poor dude can only afford the Pink Razr. *sob*.

Its OK I wil try different Genres of comedy every single day.

I think that everyones comments should start with "HAHAHAHAHAHA that was a good one celly I couldnt stop laughing, then go on to write [insert serious dire coment here]"

I get it though. People want their blogs read. (Is my counter top over 30? I didnt thinks so. oh well. Doesnt bother me. Im doing this for me. Riiiiiiight). So in order to be read you must read. And comment. So a quick reading of the title and *wala* a comment on the title. I know that it couldnt be that the peoples of the internet dont get comedy. Because gosh darn it (thats funny if done in butters voice) Im funny. (whose butters you ask?)

Ok lets make people laugh today. Ready: Ok you have to out loud read these words.
Ok thats so not funny my onion is crying. (that line was also sadly not funny.)

We ll anyhow if you did read those words its very much like reading crossed out lines. Stupid.

I was told not to make fun of the readership. When i have some Ill keep that in mind.
-cellar door

Im thinking about deleting this post. If I saw this on another blog I might hunt down and punch myself in the face. Now thats funny. Or is it?

Thursday, May 04, 2006


What is the purpose of a counter?

If you have granite countertops they stay cool even in the summer.

If you have an argument someone else can counter it.

If you have a castle and like blood, or you like to count you can be a count. errr?

If you like numbers you can be a counter.(i know hehe im friggin hilarious)



Its ok because i keep on going to it from various places. Ill pad it for y'all. Make you think its popular.


So i need a new cellphone plan. T-mobile has great customer service. woopie. Verizon here i come. The most important thing about the service is the service. When i cant talk to people in my own house, thats a problem.

I thought I could make decisions. I cant. All I had to do was choose a phone. I only wanted a flip. The non flips screen that i had was so scratched up, i could barely see the glow of the backlight. So i boiled it down to two phones that would cost me an extra fidy bucks. Now before you say that 50 bucks is alot, think about it. 2 years. 2 long years of dropping it, pretending to be on it, dropping it in the toilet, davening mincha into tell me with it. Yelling IM IMPORTANT into it.

2 years is a looong time to be with that phone. You want to cheap out now? I know I know thats 50 black and white cookies. (with inflation maybe less now, nebach). Think about how many pictures you could take with it. Yes I want a camera.

So i settled on the LG vx8100 or the samsung sch a950. Theyare both the same phone pretty much. The problem is that flips are thicker, and that does not bode well for me. I look like im carrying a piece in my pocket. My pants are so tight with that phone i need something thinner.

So i was scrolling down the phones and I saw it "the razr" [chime the music.]

With the razr I could be cool. Me, cool. I can have a sleek, skinny(what more important then that) "in" phone. Of course in two years it will be outdated, but whose counting. Anyways the black razr was 150 bucks. Yeah, no. Maybe for a 20 years plan. Maybe. The pink razr was 70. Uh oh. Thats close to 50. I was in a quandry. I could get the pink one. The pink would mark me as very attractive and self confident in my manliness. It would also get way to many stares. I do not want my phone attracting attention. Ok I just lied. Just not that type of attention.(Why else would I create this blog anyways???)

I thought about getting a cover for it. But i read a review on the phone, and it doesnt turn off. Plus when it has a low battery it beeps. It frigging beeps. I never charge my phone, and I turn it off. I dont want calls at 300 am. Or at 12:00 for that matter.

But its soooooooooooo thin.

Oh did i mention i dont know how to use technology? The other phones have V cast, mp3 and other things that i wont be able to use. Well if my sis says its cool, its cool. (I feel like my grandparents when they were buying their toaster.)
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