Biking with spandex
If you wear spandex while bike riding you better be a professional. You better be training to replace Lance armstrong for the tour de freedom. Otherwise you are a faker.
When I say faker I mean it. Its worse then those who are chassidish every other yom tov.
Spandex people are cheaters. Well before I get to that lets note that if you are wearing those little spandex shorts hunched over your 17000 dollar bike you better get your rump in shape. I dont need to see you quiver back there every time you pedal. Its disgusting. Crude but true.
You must also note that spandex people usually leave non spandex people behind them. Why you ask? Oh, it doesnt matter what age you are, or even if you have a physical disability, you always seem to win. Lets delve into the mind of a spendex biker.
1) Every aspect of your "outfit"(yeah I know they have biking outfits) must be aerodynamic. Thats right. So you might notice their helmets first. They Watch the cone heads and quickly use that as their model for aerodynamic success on their precious koppels. You are all a bunch of nerdy nerds.
2) Dress for success. You must always look good while working out. Maybe they also wax all the hair off their bodies beforehand. Gimme a break. When one works out you should be a disgusting sweaty mess afterwards. You spandies might not believe me, but you will not be donning a yellow Jersey on TV at the end of your little trip. You guys arent even biking to work out. Its wrong and you are clogging the road.
3) That brings me to the third point. Thery always need a "special path". Thats right. Much like those that buy hummers that will never go off road, they buy 10000 dollar bikes that are oh so delicate and light that even the slightest wind will raise their speed 5mph. You could prob eat one if you put it in your bowl of rice krispies.
Us non spandex people play dodgeball with them.(Thats the manly version of machanayim for you girls)
4) The worst aspect of spandies are their smug disgusting additude to us baggy shorts wearing, bulky cd player in the pocket, slightly overweight, wheezing that sounds like an airplaine taking off at kennedy, heavyish bike people. You "passed" us. Woopdie freakin do. Maybe we should get off our bikes and bow down to you. Im sure you are sprinkling roses when you have to go as well.
Lets think for a second. You are dressed to make sure that you cut through the wind like a knife, you are extra competitive when riding on your smooth, paved, no hills path, and your bike weighs less then my dear aunt sallys left pinky toe. You better friggin beat me.
That brings me to my last point. I beat you guys down too. Thats right boys. That flash of bulk. That smooth flapping of my baggy sweatpants, that heavy tniking sound of my gears is me.
No it wasnt a lunar eclipse passing over your tiny "lithe" self. It was me passing you. And Im already half way home by the time you are done crying.
The it dawns on you that my 8 year old 300 dollar bike out did your. Ouch.
*OK OK it only happened twice and it was a 90 year old man and 19 year old whimpy looking kid. But still.
**And dont pretend to not notice, when you pass and thereby scare the bejeezus out of me, causing me to careen into innocent roller bladers.
When I say faker I mean it. Its worse then those who are chassidish every other yom tov.
Spandex people are cheaters. Well before I get to that lets note that if you are wearing those little spandex shorts hunched over your 17000 dollar bike you better get your rump in shape. I dont need to see you quiver back there every time you pedal. Its disgusting. Crude but true.
You must also note that spandex people usually leave non spandex people behind them. Why you ask? Oh, it doesnt matter what age you are, or even if you have a physical disability, you always seem to win. Lets delve into the mind of a spendex biker.
1) Every aspect of your "outfit"(yeah I know they have biking outfits) must be aerodynamic. Thats right. So you might notice their helmets first. They Watch the cone heads and quickly use that as their model for aerodynamic success on their precious koppels. You are all a bunch of nerdy nerds.
2) Dress for success. You must always look good while working out. Maybe they also wax all the hair off their bodies beforehand. Gimme a break. When one works out you should be a disgusting sweaty mess afterwards. You spandies might not believe me, but you will not be donning a yellow Jersey on TV at the end of your little trip. You guys arent even biking to work out. Its wrong and you are clogging the road.
3) That brings me to the third point. Thery always need a "special path". Thats right. Much like those that buy hummers that will never go off road, they buy 10000 dollar bikes that are oh so delicate and light that even the slightest wind will raise their speed 5mph. You could prob eat one if you put it in your bowl of rice krispies.
Us non spandex people play dodgeball with them.(Thats the manly version of machanayim for you girls)
4) The worst aspect of spandies are their smug disgusting additude to us baggy shorts wearing, bulky cd player in the pocket, slightly overweight, wheezing that sounds like an airplaine taking off at kennedy, heavyish bike people. You "passed" us. Woopdie freakin do. Maybe we should get off our bikes and bow down to you. Im sure you are sprinkling roses when you have to go as well.
Lets think for a second. You are dressed to make sure that you cut through the wind like a knife, you are extra competitive when riding on your smooth, paved, no hills path, and your bike weighs less then my dear aunt sallys left pinky toe. You better friggin beat me.
That brings me to my last point. I beat you guys down too. Thats right boys. That flash of bulk. That smooth flapping of my baggy sweatpants, that heavy tniking sound of my gears is me.
No it wasnt a lunar eclipse passing over your tiny "lithe" self. It was me passing you. And Im already half way home by the time you are done crying.
The it dawns on you that my 8 year old 300 dollar bike out did your. Ouch.
*OK OK it only happened twice and it was a 90 year old man and 19 year old whimpy looking kid. But still.
**And dont pretend to not notice, when you pass and thereby scare the bejeezus out of me, causing me to careen into innocent roller bladers.
15 Comments:
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Will you get mad if I pass you on my super-fast rollerblades?
(dont worry, I dont wear spandex)
Well that depends. Will you get upset if i outgrind you.
That sounds like challenge... Your on!
lol good post.
similar rules go for runners/joggers/walkers around the park/lake. specially about the spandex leggings. specially on guys.
i think you're missing the point, celly.
sure, spandex may be cool if you can pull it off... but the real style is in the shoes.
the biker outfit isn't complete until you get those $2000 sneakers that make you feel like you're walking on clouds.
it's always about the shoes.
The kenyans win the marathon every year because they train barefoot.
perhaps they train barefoot, but they run the actual races with snappy shoes :)
I hope spandex people know that the second Im in god enough shape Im getting a bike and spandex to match.
you're forgetting that it's the spandex wearing female rumps that are totally gross. Guys' behinds usually aren't flabby if they're brave enough to don spandex.
I see more spandex guys belive it or not. But as a guy its grosser. The women that are brave enough to wear them are usually in tip top shape. (not that I look or anything). Though i always beat the women. *puts up forcefield after that comment*
I really, really hope your talking about guys. Because hairy knees and worse on SpandexWoman is, like, to'ally not happening.
Like I said Im sticking to cargos.
celly- they make spandex inside cargos for your biking pleasure (and ours, thank you).
tom- hairy knees on a woman biker when the guy-bikers wax??? vomitorium here i come!
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