Cheating
When one goes to cheat on ones diet one likes to do it quick.
First I put on my gameface. There should be some type of music in the background. If you cant pull it off then think hard about eye of the tiger. (Be warned it might be in your head later when you feel guilty.)
Then make sure you have some kind of goal or object in your mind. If you crave Dougies, then make sure you keep that goal in mind. Its better if you see the specific object of desire. If you think wings and go poppers that slight change can throw your entire mission off balance.
The more adept you get at cheating, the more you can stray. Instaed of ordering just the wings, you can order a side or two (depending how devastating the [Insert bad grade/teenage angst issue here]. The best cheater can actually run to Dougies then break off into another store for dessert. That is reserved for those that are Binging. Binging is another post in general.
A serial Binger will run madly from store to store and even pick up a DVD or sefer so he/she can have a comfortable cheating experience.
If you dont have the object in mind there are other distractions that might keep you from cheating. For example: Youy are full court press running to the cheating store of your choice, then suddenly your physical trainer says "hi", you quickly wipe off the maniacal desperate face and give a tentative "hi" back.
In the meantime you are reading his/her face searching it to see if he/she can tell what horrible deed you are about to commit. You look harder. No. No clue. Ssssafe. Ah so you think. A non-focused cheater will be thrown off by the "so where are you headed?" A seemingly innocent Questions. You answer "The fruit store then Ill see you in the Gym tonight." D'oh! You ruined it. You were going to be happy and complete and now you will be fruity and sweating away in the stinky Gym. Blech.
Ok now that you have a visual of the object you can leave the house. CAUTION: Be cool. If you run out of the house initially people will tip off your parents/S.O./future S.O./shadchan as to what you are doing. Trust me on this. Neighbors (and siblings) have loooong memories. Like elephants.
The best way to get to a cheating destination is to get the least amount of fresh air as possible. Fresh air might kill the bad mood/ or desire to clog your arteries. It has this natural effect on the human psyche. Be careful. So if possible go straight into the garage and hop into the car. Keep the windows firmly shut. In the car you want to avoid talk stations like WOR because they tend to have health/doctor talk that might(doubtful but you never know) sway your decision.
When you get to the store find a close spot, or go to a place has a lot. If there is no close space then drive to another store.
Aha you think thats bad advice because you might lose your concentration. However usually the ravenous hunger is better then any visual of a meatball and will drive you like a wild person to another closer and easier spot.
Once inside the store DO NOT GET DISTRACTED! Lock and load. Get what you first desired. Then you can have your fun. Pick out sides a dessert etc. However be warned that if you over do your cheat yu may never cheat again. Why? because you will be sick. Sick people dont eat the food that made them get sick in the first place. (see spinach slices).
OK. You did it. You bought the food. The hardest part is now. You want to rip the food out of its wrapping and chug. You want to mash it up with your fists and drink it with a straw. Thats how hungry you are. Yet you wait. You know that patience is a virtue. You close your eyes count 10 of whatever you got in your head, and lower your blood pressure. (Im assuming that the BP will go back up later.)
You drive slowly, and calmly back into your garage and take your food upstairs.
You have to understand. You cant even have a taste. Not because you cant stop,. Its just the opposite. You might stop. You might say " hmm maybe im not so hungry after all, maybe this is just a reaction to some minorly stressful situation" NOOOOOOOOO. You have to grab this zrizus and continue with ur mission. So where were we? Ahh yess. You are going up those strairs to the house. This is a special moment. You unwrap and smell the wonderful food. It doesnt have to smell good, it could be cake or something. But if you are smart you will have some utensils. A good cheater knows that the kitchen is the worse place to cheat. Its to convienent and makes it less exotic. Better the den or the [i wont say it as family members read this ;0, no not the sherutim].
Ok now eat. Oh yeah. It was worth it.
Ill follow with Part two some time later. The walking cheater. and The aftermath of cheating. I just dont think you can read so much drivel at once.
OH OH OH DONT FORGET: ALWAYS BUY A DRINK. WATER WILL NOT CUT IT.
First I put on my gameface. There should be some type of music in the background. If you cant pull it off then think hard about eye of the tiger. (Be warned it might be in your head later when you feel guilty.)
Then make sure you have some kind of goal or object in your mind. If you crave Dougies, then make sure you keep that goal in mind. Its better if you see the specific object of desire. If you think wings and go poppers that slight change can throw your entire mission off balance.
The more adept you get at cheating, the more you can stray. Instaed of ordering just the wings, you can order a side or two (depending how devastating the [Insert bad grade/teenage angst issue here]. The best cheater can actually run to Dougies then break off into another store for dessert. That is reserved for those that are Binging. Binging is another post in general.
A serial Binger will run madly from store to store and even pick up a DVD or sefer so he/she can have a comfortable cheating experience.
If you dont have the object in mind there are other distractions that might keep you from cheating. For example: Youy are full court press running to the cheating store of your choice, then suddenly your physical trainer says "hi", you quickly wipe off the maniacal desperate face and give a tentative "hi" back.
In the meantime you are reading his/her face searching it to see if he/she can tell what horrible deed you are about to commit. You look harder. No. No clue. Ssssafe. Ah so you think. A non-focused cheater will be thrown off by the "so where are you headed?" A seemingly innocent Questions. You answer "The fruit store then Ill see you in the Gym tonight." D'oh! You ruined it. You were going to be happy and complete and now you will be fruity and sweating away in the stinky Gym. Blech.
Ok now that you have a visual of the object you can leave the house. CAUTION: Be cool. If you run out of the house initially people will tip off your parents/S.O./future S.O./shadchan as to what you are doing. Trust me on this. Neighbors (and siblings) have loooong memories. Like elephants.
The best way to get to a cheating destination is to get the least amount of fresh air as possible. Fresh air might kill the bad mood/ or desire to clog your arteries. It has this natural effect on the human psyche. Be careful. So if possible go straight into the garage and hop into the car. Keep the windows firmly shut. In the car you want to avoid talk stations like WOR because they tend to have health/doctor talk that might(doubtful but you never know) sway your decision.
When you get to the store find a close spot, or go to a place has a lot. If there is no close space then drive to another store.
Aha you think thats bad advice because you might lose your concentration. However usually the ravenous hunger is better then any visual of a meatball and will drive you like a wild person to another closer and easier spot.
Once inside the store DO NOT GET DISTRACTED! Lock and load. Get what you first desired. Then you can have your fun. Pick out sides a dessert etc. However be warned that if you over do your cheat yu may never cheat again. Why? because you will be sick. Sick people dont eat the food that made them get sick in the first place. (see spinach slices).
OK. You did it. You bought the food. The hardest part is now. You want to rip the food out of its wrapping and chug. You want to mash it up with your fists and drink it with a straw. Thats how hungry you are. Yet you wait. You know that patience is a virtue. You close your eyes count 10 of whatever you got in your head, and lower your blood pressure. (Im assuming that the BP will go back up later.)
You drive slowly, and calmly back into your garage and take your food upstairs.
You have to understand. You cant even have a taste. Not because you cant stop,. Its just the opposite. You might stop. You might say " hmm maybe im not so hungry after all, maybe this is just a reaction to some minorly stressful situation" NOOOOOOOOO. You have to grab this zrizus and continue with ur mission. So where were we? Ahh yess. You are going up those strairs to the house. This is a special moment. You unwrap and smell the wonderful food. It doesnt have to smell good, it could be cake or something. But if you are smart you will have some utensils. A good cheater knows that the kitchen is the worse place to cheat. Its to convienent and makes it less exotic. Better the den or the [i wont say it as family members read this ;0, no not the sherutim].
Ok now eat. Oh yeah. It was worth it.
Ill follow with Part two some time later. The walking cheater. and The aftermath of cheating. I just dont think you can read so much drivel at once.
OH OH OH DONT FORGET: ALWAYS BUY A DRINK. WATER WILL NOT CUT IT.
6 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
:p the budding anorexic is the biggest binger of us all (for her size, that is).
I have a totally differnt method, for those who don't eat out much.
Libby: Yes! Score
Reva: Keep up the poems. Oh and you can apply literary meaning to all my post. Awesome.
Trixies: Yeah I have parts 2 and 3 coming
Para: Im its all downhill from here.
I made you 200!!!
hehe! aizeh kef! great post. nice blog.
good grief!
your avatar is so..unbecoming.
(does it eat chinese too?)
yucko
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