Why I hate Purim (themes)

Why do I feel dead inside?

Hmm.

Well I was shopping, for one.

I was shopping for beer, for two.

That might sound good, but it was for, you guessed it, a Purim theme.

I’m not a hater. I understand why people do them. I don’t care that people go way overboard to show up their neighbors. I don’t care that people blow college funds and cash in 401 k's for them. I JUST DONT CARE. In fact I enjoy eating them. I don’t care that some people go out of their way to NOT make a theme. To spend money on matanos le evyonim and to make sure we damn well know it. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS NON MISHLOACH MANOS, OH AND WE GAVE YOU THIS CARD BECAUSE WE GIVE TO THE POOR, NOT TO YOUR SORRY BUTT, K ?

I don’t care that we are still doing a theme probably so the neighbors will like us. Mom, the neighbors hate us. Making a theme will not win them back. I also don’t care that we might be doing this so we can say "boy your sister did such a good job, when she starts dating I have a great shidduch for her!" I really don’t care. Good for her.

So what do I care about? I ALWAYS seem to get involved. Always.

So I need to get the beer, but not any beer, a beer that fits out theme. So I drive from store to store looking for "that" beer. Also we need to give alcohol, or cutsie little grape juice bottles, that somehow fit into the theme, so we don’t look cheap. Because if we look cheap that we look poor, and if we look poor, then people will take pity on out sorry tushies, and if they take pity they will be nice to us, and if they are nice they might invite us for MORE meals, give us their kids hand me downs, and overall not allow me to be an anti social poopy head.

Ok then I have to buy the beer. Buying beer is "cool" for some. Not for me, cause I don’t really drink. That’s why I hate Purim. If you don’t drink, Purim stinks. Yes I love Hashem so stop. Anyways, I first have to call my friends and im 4 dozen people to find out that unless there IS a ghey flavoring in it, it’s kosher. Because if it aint kosher that’s a horrific mistake. Don’t give people non kosher food. That’s REALLY REALLY REALLY bad for shidduchim.

The truth is people don’t et home baked cholov stam cholov, meat, dairy, store processed, bought from goyim, not kosher for pesach, candy or anything else, so the truth is although they will be "outraged" that its treif, everything goes in the can anyways.

This leads me to the best theme ever. Treif. That’s right. I found a cutsie bag (ill get to THOSE in a second), with happy little pigs on them. Perfect. Then I could pack a happy meal from the dollar menu. I can have little ve Na hapuch hu stickers " from the celly's". Enjoy! Ill bet most people wouldn’t even realize.

Or I could throw whatever I want. I would love to make a poem out of all the beef jerky skittles garbage I could find.

Back to the beer. So I go to pay. Yes I’m looking chunky these days, so the chunkier I get the younger I look. But I know this. I have my ID ready. I don’t want to make a scene in path mark. I also have a 4 day shadow. (Still do). Ok she first looks at the Chinese lady BEHIND me and says, are these yours? What the heck is that!!!! No I say they are mine. Here is my (pre-emptive strike) ID. Then she had a police scanner checker there. She stares at it for like 4 minutes pushing buttons waiting. I almost wanted her to arrest me. Then she calls over the supervisor. Now im angry. You might as well throw on a siren and lock down the store. The manager looks at my id and says " hmmmmmmmmm my son born in 82, you born later but you still old enough like my son" Thanks you lady, you are a genius. I hope your son is having a good time in AA. Lemme buy my cheap crappy beer. Thanks again. Toodles.


Then I leave. I pick up my sis. Out of the goodness of my heart I offer to drive her to the store where we buy the *bags* and the *ribbon* and the *crepe paper*. I said I will wait in the car while you buy the stuff. Ok. So im waiting. I get call. Celly, I need you. They ran out of bags.

Well of course we wait till the VERY last second, which is why I’m doing anything for this stupid theme in the first place. Also this store is packed with desperate themers grabbing anything they can from the shelves. So they have 5 bags left in that style. I say "take anything". She says we cant they are "ugly". Then says “I need your opinion".

Girls never ever need your opinion, they just want it so they can mock the male stupidity when it comes to such important and delicate life issues like Purim themes. So I fond parking, 3 Israeli women stole spots from me, and after much cursing, I found a spot. (I prayed they got alternate side tickets.)

Now I’m in the store. She found bags. She doesn’t like them. I looked. I chose 3 different bags. "No. No. and No" I said” I thought you wanted my opinion." She aid "if we get those bags we have to change out theme." "Ok" I say. "No" she says, “we have to think it out first.”No" I say.

And the ugly bags it was. "Celly, they ran out of the chocolate kisses we wanted". Ok, I mentally add yet another store the long list.

We made a deal. We get the ugly bags, if I draw the theme related materials on the bags. 5 of them. I am soooooooooooooo not doing it.

But I digress.

So we wait on-line for an hour, I found ribbon (I made a decision! boohoo!) Then we buy the stuff in the candy store. The candy store doesn’t quite have the candy we needed. So we have to go to the pharmacy to get the exact thing. I can’t even write about this anymore. No it’s not over yet, as we have to make the "baked good". No I am not doing that part, but why oh why must we make something???

1. No one will eat it because it will be treif. (We are using milchig utensils but parve ingredients, so don’t eat it with your chicken.)
2. No one will think we are "gishikt" if we do it.
3. No one will think we every bake ever in out home if we do it.
4. No one cares.

Then there are the poems. Thats where I am drafted every single year to put together the theme in one unit, rhyme eveything, and hnit that maybe it has something to do with purim. For example, treif = opposite of the norm = ve na hapuch hu. Usually I write 2 poems. One that is for the families eyes only, as it shows how I really feel about them. Uusally gets a chuckle.

That stopped when we printed out the wrong one and they almost got sent out. woopsie.

So basically I have to take 7 random items that really have nothing much tied to each other besides the "theme". like the year we did doodles. It was impossible to rhyme dipsey and sunny and yankee and what ever other doodles we got, and tie them into purim. But i did it. Now Im about to do it again.

My sister just informed me we got the cling wrap and baggies, I must go and put 4 Hershey kisses in a little baguette cut a little piece of ribbon, and tie them just so.

45 times.

Ouchie.

We don’t even have 45 friends.

But if we don’t make that many we will have 45 more enemies.

Gd forbid a good friend gets a repackaged one.

Gd forbid a good friend gets their own back.

We have gotten ours back before.

I didn’t care

I liked ours better

The end.

Can’t wait till Pesach.