A fresh thought

Some one sent me a picture text this morning that got me thinking.

It was titled: "I need fresh rolls"

The person in the picture was a holding a roll of toilet paper.

Well this same person taught me many valuable lessons. One is how to tavel on the train with shilshul.

It always happens at the wrong time. You swipe your metro card you get on the train, and then you hear the *ding dong* of the train and as the doors are closing you hear it. *Rumble*. Well the train makes that sound when it starts moving. Then you feel it. You actually feel the rumble. Ok, i must be Hungry. My tummy rumbled. Cute.

Then you pat it. Just to reassure that you will fill it later.
Big mistake.
Without that pat you might have made it. Now you will make it. In your pants. Thats right, that little touch to the food satchel cascaded a massive avalanche internally. You think. " White noise". That means your brain is adapting to this develping situation. It must do so quickly.

You cant appreciate how many little bumps and jerks occur on the subway until you have to go. So at this point you hold your legs together warp your arms around them in a fetal position, and pretend youre praying.

You would pray, but you cant. You have to start strategizing. So far the train hasnt stopped yet. Will you make it when the train pulls out of the next stop? You need more energy for that.

The rumbling is in full force and your tummy at this point is liquified. And it kiiiiils. Jabs of protest are coming out of you. You are not gonna make it. So you think. Ok im coming to 34th. There is macys. I have to walk up three flights of subway stairs 2 blocks to uptown to 7th avenue, make my way through a sea of people in the store, ask for the key, lay out toilet paper, (thats just gravy) (haha). Or you can stick it out.

You stick it out.

Now you are at Lex and 63rd. You have no idea whats near there. You know there are for sure places you can go, like your former place of employment or your ex-girlfriends place, but you would really rather wear a diaper then do that.

The train jerks to one of those unknown stops. Yee hee! you shout in the michael Jackson voice. You hope everything stayed wehere it should.

Ok now you are headed home. You need something to concentrate. You think about what caused this. You think back to that morning at the bagel store.

flashback

You walked into the store. There was a long line. Your bus is coming in two minutes. Great. Well it gives you time to plan the meal. Tuna everything bagel. Lightly toasted. Powerade on the side.

U get to the front. " what would you like?" Through the stained and dirty glass window you look at the spreads. The tuna is orange. You wonder of thats that normal color. Oh wait. Someone else ordered tuna he is scooping it out. Or at least trying too. As he hocks at it you hear the *ting ting* while he labors to get the tuna out. But you really want tuna. "I need the chisel!" you hear him say. Ok Plan B.

The pasta salad has olives in it. Green ones. You kinda like tha. You had never seen that before here. You ask for the pasta salad awith the olives. The guy gives you a quizzical look. Who puts olives in pasta salad he asks?

Ok plan C.

The egg salad is also orange.And crumbly. And there are shells in it. But shells are ok i guess. You hoe thats not white fuzz. White fuzz is worse then olives.And hey, maybe orange is the color they use to keep bugs out. The pesticides. Plus the inside looks yellow. You ask for egg salad. Scooped from the inside. With tomatoes. The red ones.

You look at your belly. Yup he wants more. "And give me a cookie, no two, yeah those on the left, 4 crouusants, a cheese danish, a coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.". Oh yah the powerade, OJ and snapple are all mine. MMMMiiiiiine ahahahahaha". You slow yourself down. The crazed look is back. You need to pretend its for the whole office.

Ok at this point you miss your bus. So you start on the bagel with cream cheese. They put way to much of it on. There are 4 inches of bagel and six of cream cheese. No thanks. U spoon it off.

U try to spoon it off. The guy had a huge backside. You slipped. It might still be there.

Anyways. You eat and eat, and after the OJ you are ready to catch the 11:30 bus. The cream cheese was yellow too.

Later even though you were slightly ill you had the egg salad sandwich. You dont even like egg salad. Unless its cholent aggs. Its also orange. You are feeling brave. Your co workers are screaming "go go go go go celly go celly go go". Ok those are the voices in your head. But you eat it.



You are almost home. Sweating, and you have lost all circulation and feeling in your legs and other places. But you made it.

Uh oh

During this flashback you were spacing out.
" You shouldnt be looking at my girls friend punk"

He lifts you up ever so slightly by your shirt.

He screams and backs off.

Shouldn't of had that egg salad.

Oh and for all those who want to know...

My meme

Ill try to be serious for some.

Who is the most annoying person ever?
Ski mom

Who annoyed me to MeMe?
Ski m

Things I want to do before dying

Be learned
Help and accomplish for people
get attention
get 14000 people to visit my blog
Speak publicly
make people laugh, not just by posting a picture
Be happy all the time
Accomplish what I have set out to do

Foods I DONT like (the alternative would take all year)
Jello ( i think i might like that by now)
fudge
peppers
crunchy onions

Favorite form of excercise:
none
biking

I hope to be:
An ESPN analyst
from my couch
I get to anylize the analysts from my leather couch

Or a taste tester

If i could have one superpower:

It used to be x-ray vision and being invisible but im not a stalker anymore

I guess it would be the more bad food I eat the healthier I get. Nice!

People I look up too

Parents
Good friends
People who work hard , in learning and other areas
Rabbeim and Gedolim
People over 5' 3"

If i could meet anyone:
1) R asher Fruend
2) Rachel Mcadams (;
3) Vilna Goan
4) The Besht

Things I cant do
boy Im pretty perfect but,

Fix things.
Kata in karate
eat two pizza pies in less then 3 minutes
touch my nose with my toungue
see my toes when i look down

What attracted me to my Husband:
Hotness
Cute tushie that defies gravity
cries at lame-o movies like the notebook
Is rich
wined and dined me
gave me a huge diamond

Things I want in a mate
No way dude.

Things I like

e-mails from ppl that dont comment on my blog
attention
Doing well on my tests
not procrastiating
being healthy
laughing
making others happy

Favorite books

I read mainstream pretty much, but i love Stephen King

I guess Insomnia or The Stand

Favorite Movies
Vus is dus?

But if i did watch Movies thats a toughie

The game
The Truman Show
The 5 people you meet in heaven
Others that I cant say (;

Things I say too often:
Im fat
Im stupid
Im a moron
sheesh
Woot
No
Do I look like Im under 21?
I didnt mean it that way

Favorite Sweets:
Candy corn

Favorite Cake
Napoleans or 7 layer white cake

Favorite cookies

BLACK AND WHITE

Places I get lucky at

Nordstroms rack
Belmont (not)
Sco.. jk

My favorite Jam
strawberry
apricot

My favorite pesach food

Matza Brei

My favorite shabbos food
Eggs in the cholent

I will walk down to:

walking to not sure yet

under the chuppa: Either mehairah or the other one from aish

most embarrasing moment as a kid

(that i can mention)
I was the pitcher for little league and threw a pitch over the backstop

Worst little league moment:
When the parents called me rabbit ears after they made me throw that dumb pitch (se stunk)

Favorite Comedian: Brian regan

Favorite Band: Guns N Roses or Metalicca for that type of stuff
Favorite Ghey song: Drops of Jupiter
Favorite Jewish Singer: Shlomo Simcha
Favorite Jewish song: Memories
Best Sfirah artist: Lev Tohar
Favorite Non Jewish Song: not even fair.

Closet fan of:
YESHIVA BOYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Weirdest thing you ever did:

I stuck plungers to the doors (they looked like im not gonna say but it was funny)

ok Im done for now.

Its not Poop.

I just want the good animal lovers out there to know that

Its not poop.

When an animal feels the need to relieve itself: its not poop.

Lets examine birds.

Birds are carefree, light, and some are yummy.

But guess what. The stuff that comes out of them. Is not poop.

I dont care if its white and doesnt look to bad. I dont care if it doesnt smell bad. Its not poop.

Poop denotes a better more worldy type of creation. Something you put on top of a banana split. Yeah, "can i get some poop on this sucker please?" Think of the alternative.

I am not crude enough to say it.

I once bought a brand new shirt. I was very happy with it. It was 40 dollars. It had a little horsey on it. The horsey was white. That made it cooler. Because you are wearing it but you arent.

Anyways, Im on my way to class, and i feel plip plip. 2 plips. Plips can be a bad sound.

First you check for all credit cards and licenses. Then you do the head pat. Ok nothing sticky. You think: maybe it was just rain. But no. You look down, and you see what looks like Guacamole on your shirt.

It wasnt poop. I was mad. Real mad. I wanted to hunt for quail. My beautiful shirt.

It made a you know what on it. I ran to the bathroom. The bathrooms in school are nasty. The mens bathrooms are nastier. I always wonder what womens bathrooms look like. I once used the womens bathroom in Canon Mountain, New hampshire. I got a strange look. It was glorious . I did wonder where the urinals were though.

Anyways. I turn on the water. Trickle trickle. Of course there is no paper towel to be seen. Just those stupid blowers. That blow cold air. They save u from aids. Can't they just tell us they are too save fricken money? So you go into the stall to grab some toilet paper. The half ply, see through, you better triple me up, kind. But the stupid roller thingy is of course 2 pieces at a time. *Pull* rip *pull* rip. argh!!

Five minutes later i had enough. Class was in 5 minutes and the green mess was getting dry. I was so mad. Girls do not dig bird "Mmpgh" stains or Guacamole. I was so gonna show it off. (i know hashem works in mysterious ways).

Anyways i re-trickle the sink and the toilet paper disintegrates. Oh great. I used it to no avail.
I went to class. I felt as if an elephant went on my shirt. I set in the back back of the lecture hall. Capacity was 250. There were 40 ppl there.

Gary Larson was correct this is how they see the world.


Where was I. Oh yes. I brought the shirt into the cleaners. He thought it was a food stain. He tried to get it out with his fingernail. Grossness. I didnt say a word. He said it would come out. It didnt. I hope he licked it too. I still wear it. They look like cig burns now.. Yay.

Of course bird lovers dont know this. Its always. Awwww did u poopie on the cagie? Did u poopie on the floorie. Did you poppie in the food it *continues mixing*. Its disgusting. A new word is in order. How about. Sfachenhaftel. did u Sfachenhaftel on the floor. Gross!!!!!!!!!! Ok im trying too hard.

Anyways its not just birds. Dogs have pooper scoopers. huh?? That looks pretty close to what I do. (Pun intended). Do we go to the pooper room? Do we sit and poop? I dont think so. In fact an alternate word is one of the 7 dirty words prohibited by the FCC. Not so glam. So why do dogs have a pooper scooper? It would make my life easier. Ill go where I am and scoop it. With a bag.

Oh and how do dog owners take a plastic baggie and invert it. Then pick up that stuff. Do you think there are no holes in the bag at all. Little ones but still big enough for me. Two layers of latex gloves and a blindfold. I dont care how cute the tush it comes from looks like. If a person with a cute tush did that u wouldnt baggie that, so if it has a furry tail it makes it all better?


The of course there are bunnies. Those litte round things. They look like little candies. You roll em around and they make that marbley sound. awwww. soo cute. The rabbits stuff isnt even poop. its just "droppings". Rabbit "Leket". It just gets left behind for others to take. Im waiting for the Jewish companies to bag it and sell them as multi vitamins. Lemme see the composition of these droppings. I guess since they are droppings you just wash them off in the sink. Inside are little diamonds.

FYI: When it comes to animal fertilizers, the best readily-available fertilizer is rabbit droppings. Rabbit droppings have the highest nitrogen content of any of the commonly available barnyard manures, such as cow, horse, pig, etc. Rabbit droppings are small, compact, and nearly odorless. One organic gardener described them as “miniature, time-released, fertilizer capsules.” If you raise rabbits, or know someone who does, you’ll have a source of one of nature’s best natural fertilizers.

We have our rabbit friends living atop our earthworm compost pit. Rabbit droppings can also be called “earthworm caviar.”

The fertilizer provided by our earthworm compost pit is about the best you could find anywhere, and it’s “free.”

Sorry, not droppings, Caviar.
I cant believe i just wrote this. Im not even reading it. *Post*

edited for Henri's comment.

Squishy Squishy

It aint my style to type anything personal, or to use proper grammer, or to edit my posts, but Ill try and open up my world to you just a little.

Well If anyone lives on the East Coast around NYC they might have heard /seen the rain last night. I did too. woopie.

Well I decided to get off my lazy tush the other night and go biking. The heat had been sweltering, but the wind was picking up a little so i felt it would be a good ride.

So the sun set, the winds were whipping, I was listening to the Yankees, and rip roaring to ride.

The first rule of anything good is not to jinx it. Never say "Boy what a great day this is". Say "boy what a great day this was", because if you are in the midst of that day, you jinxed it.

Anyways, as I was riding it was really nice and smooth. I decided too take a route that I normally do during the day, because there is less lighting, and I would have to bypass a part of it. But it was so nice out, and this way is so much nicer, I decided to go for it.

Ok.

So far so good.

Well Im riding ladedadodeedoo and i see the most unbelievable flashes of lightning. Really cool. I was right by the water and I saw some great water movement. I heard the wonderful rumble of lightning in the far distance. It was great.

At that point the Yanks just came back to tie the game in semi dramatic fashion and I was pumped.

Then it happened. "Boy this is the bestest ride ever" I thought.

Stupid Celly, Optimism is for kids.

So after they tied it, the yankee guy says thats its raining in the Bronx. Still for some reason, even though I was pretty close to the Bronx at this point, I was convinced that I would be fine. I would make it.

Then he said "wow this is not just rain, this is a monster storm."

Uh Oh.
Stupid Celly
Well I braced myself. I saw the most beautiful and craziest lightning.It illuminated the Bridge and it was a sight to see.

Then out of no where. Crash Boom Bah. No, I didnt fall off my bike and cause a crater, i heard LOUD LOUD crashes of thunder. I jumped out of my skin until i remembered that the angels needed to use the can too. But sheesh.

Ok so then It happened. You can not imagine how big and fat these drops were. They felt like hail. Plip Plap Pliap Plap. I was soaked in 10 seconds.

Oh boy how great.

So then i started singing in the rain. That was dumb. Note to self: when riding in between the raindrops concentrate on keeping control of your bike. Dont sing Mama Rochel off key next time.

Well its coming down now, but nooooooooo, hashem reeeeeeeeally wanted to sprinkle that Bracha (which it is btw I dont want to get hashem angry at me) because between the wind and the rain, the cars were rockin, and the car alarms were going off. I couldnt see. So at that moment I decided to invent windshield wipers for the eyes. Then I wondered why humans havent evolved those. We need them, trust me. I was moving at 2 miles an hour against the wind and the rain.

At this point I thought this is it. Celly is stuck. I would whip out cellys cell and call for help. However it was raining so hard was afaid to take it out of my pocket. Onwards.

Oh and dont ever do this, Im just crazy.

Well of course as i was trudging along I see a cop car in the middle of the road. So i went around it. Note to self: If there is a cop car in the Middle horizontally in the road while there is a storm going in, dont go around it.

Well I kinda saw the yellow tape and all before the cop car, but i did not need a detour. Really. So i inched on. Then behind me I heard the skuaeeeeeeeeeek of those cop car brakes, then woiooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooo. Again my heart palpitated. That was so not cool of them at all. They were laughing at me. I must have looked like a wet paper bag on acid. Anyways I turned around and detoured 11 blocks out of the way.

Now of course this entire time i was listening to WCBS 88 because, like DUUH, the game was suspended for the next two hours. They kept on describing how horrible, and dangerous, and stay inside, etc. Thanks alot morons. Oh and even better "There is a storm warning in the NY area" Its not a storm warning, its a storm happening. Shizzle.

And yes the storm was even WORSE where I was then in Da Bronx.

Then there are the cars. I couldnt ride on the sidewalk, niot that I ever do, but in certain spots you dont have a choice. Well anyways I hear it. Hooooooooooooooooonk
hoooooooooooonk.

Note to self : dont attempt to take left, right, or both hands off the handlebars multiple times to try and give anyone that honks a poor wet boy, the finger. They wont see you anyways.

Well lets just say no one, including the escalade with license plate number a--man (I dont like Seinfeld really but thats a sweeet reference), stopped for me. Nor did they mind splashing me when they passed.

Ok, so how much worse could it get. (Ok thank hashem I was safe bc it really was dangerous)

Well I was going down a hill and my breaks werent working anymore, and my sneaks were slipping off the pedals, but that wasnt so bad.
There were three worse things.

When a person is that wet, and wearing clothes, its very uncomfy. Very. When I stopped the first time, I had to kind of lean back on my heels to make sure that the clothes didnt hang in bad spots. Certain areas cant be too hot and cant be too cold.

Plus my sneaks were soaked. When i stopped it sounded like my toes had gargled salt water then someone squished it out of their cheeks in buckets. I had some fun swirling it around in there.

Next of course is when suddenly it kinda stopped raining. The wind was howling, and i thought that i would be the first person to get hypothermia in 100 degree weather. Yay.(CV)

Well I actually asked hashem to make it start again, because i was so uncomfy.

So it did. Im not exactly Choni Hamagel. but it did.

Lets just say the grass is ALWAYS greener.

Well, ok. I got home. Soaked. I went through the garage into the laundry room.

Perfect. I looked left looked right and saw ok the coast was clear.

It is not easy to peel off wet clothes,(Think of a Rhino with those threed opey toes tring to strip off his clingy sweaty smelly undershirt, that says: " I went bikie riding in the rain and allI got was this lousy T-shirt" I know LOL)

but i figured the laundry are was a good place to start.

Well anyways i was stripped down to soaking wet boxers and i hear vrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Thats right folks. The garage door was opening. I hear mommy, sis, and possibly a B.I.L. So I shout. No BIL no BIL. So mom says "no bIL". And befoe i could run upstairs dripping boxer boy was there in full glory. Not a pretty site. Then they run upstairs as I dump everything in to the wash, and I hear ewwwwwww grossssssss. etc.

Well my shower was pretty quick and my fingers and toes were iddy biddy raisenets. Yippee.

Im not really on today....

Ill do what Mitvuch calls a lazy post. (Thanks Lil sis)

*This was not part of the agreement and its quick. The ban should be lifted after the fast, no? You know who you are.

I might really update tonight or tommorow.

Anyways, this is how I feel today:

Beautiful

I have a few things to blog about, but due to the amount of work that needs to always get done I cant do it all at once.

I was going to make this a really touching post. I didnt realize that there are people that read this blog, and it uplifts their day knowing someone is angrier about stupid things then they are. They reflect that maybe their life is not so bad. Well to one specific person I was going to put up the video of " Beautiful" by Christinia Aguilara to give this person some emotional uplift.

Well. I have never been so mad in my life. There is not one fat person in the whole video.

List of people that Christinia Aguilara thinks are beautiful:

1. An ugly man. Not just any ugly man, but an ugly man who thinks becoming a woman will help him in some way. Okie dokie. Fine

2. Gay People. Again the point has to really come across strongly. Half the video was these two guys making out. I was grossed out. But again this is part of the theme of the song, and Im not a basher or anything, but thats like soft core porn already.

3. An anorexic little girl. Every rib shows. I wonder where they got this girl from?
What do they say? Hey are there any anorexic girls that want to audition? do they look for the prettiest anorexic girl

And another things on that point, what a great message to send out to young bulemics.

You are beautiful like that. Dont let anyone tell you that you arent. You rock. Keep on starving yourself. Yes I know they meant to say that the person is beautiful and Anorexia is not the answer. But guess what a 14 year old that isnt eating doesnt have the best judgement, and might misunderstand that message just a tad.

4. A little punky skinny kid who wants to have muscles: Dude, first hit puberty then worry about muscles. Most men dont lift and have 16 packs. We have one big fanny pack and a couple of tires. Stop reading GQ. And really christy, do we need this message too? Oh that poor 11 year old doesnt think he is beautiful. Guess what? He was working out because the 17 year old bully that was left back 600 times is stealing his milk money everyday.

Advice to kid: When he is older you can swindle him out of all his money, if he has any. Though he might still be in 4th grade at that point.
or: bring the weights to school and use those to defend yourself.

5. The punky guy with the spikey hair: Um where do you people live? They are ugly?! That lady on the bus is moving away from him. Hahahahahahaha. There are 2 things people should know:


1) on a bus if the person doesnt smell or look like they have body lice, if everyone else moves away from him/her, you move closer. More room.
2) There are more people that look like that these days on the train anyways. She should have had a regular whitebread kid who looks "normal" and showed everyone moving away from him. I think they need the ego boost.

So the bottom line is: all those people are really beautiful, but MTV decided that the public could not deal with a fat person. I want to see a fat guy with every tire mark and jolly step he takes.

Now that I think about it the only fat people you see on that channel eat oxen you know what, and cover themselves in mayo and ketchup for 100 bucks.

I know now I know fat people = bad for ratings.

And another thing. Poor Christinia Aguilara. She isnt exactly ugly. I dont need a good looking person to tell me that Its ok to be ugly. She cranks out this song like she was abused by the world because of her ugliness. Im not saying she cant sing (like Brit Spears and co) but lets just say that there are more reasons then her voice that made her popular.

The writer of the song was probably ugly. She should have gotten Cher to sing it.




Edit: Perturbed Mom doesnt like that one, so Ill throw her another to balance out:
(though its less tznius and has a gay puppet in it, go figure)

I recieved the craziest(funniest) Voicemail

I know no one will believe me but until I can figure out how to put this up online you will have to .

Anyways I wake up this morning and turn on my phone and lo and behold I have one new message.

The message (I will not repeat it word for word) sounded like a guy that was definately not one of my friends. I dont need to go further then that. Im just saying that it was not one of my friends prank calling me.

Anyways, he had a kind of waynes world stoner voice, but it was laced with concern.

He starts off saying: " Hey its bill, Im sorry about the dog Mr. _______ (I couldnt make out the name),

then he continues

"but It wasnt my fault it was steve,"
(at this point early in the morning my intrest in now piqued)

he continues "you see steve didnt see your dog there on the floor."
(um ok where the heck is this going)


(the guy sounded really upset at this point)

"He thought it was a pot hole and he dumped the tar and backed the steam roller over it."
(at this point i was in brain overload. I was like whaaaaaaaaaaaat??11! Sick but concerned at the same time.)

"You see I was the one who took out the dog tag"
(oh my gosh, this was heavy stuff and the visual!)

"and Im really sorry."
(like that was gonna cut it)

"I guess your lawyers, no um i guess my lawyers will call your lawyers."

"sorry".

Only happens to me.

London Bridges

The cable snapped


oy vey!

Terror has struck yet what can we do?

Daven? Learn, work?

What of my friends?

I never met them

but they are my friends

I am sad, lonely.

I see the sun

-light, not through the window.

Outside, people are there. Never

Met them before. Walking with a glazed stare

I say Hi, they all talk to me about

the cable snapping. Very sad. So

tough was that cable.

Brings us closer together. The terrorists will not win.

In the distance of this meeting.

Through the mass of mourners who are unsure,

of how to interact.

One man shouts

"Cable and roadrunner are up!"

Once again

The streets are empty.