The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

I was once driving on the highway, hands at 10 and 2 of course, and I came a up with a brilliant idea.

Sometimes you get an idea where you see the light bulb bing on above your head and you just know its a doozie.

Well that happened to me. I saw the bright light. In fact I was almost blinded by it. I nearly swerved off the road. Then i thought, I see the bulb, but there are 2 problems.
1) Its a fluorescent, and these ideas are always incandescent.
2) I didnt have an idea, just the bright light part.
so right away I knew something was wrong.

It struck me then, that there was the place I was headed to, my beacon of freedom, my light at the end of the tunnel, my final destination : DSW Shoe Warehouse.

Thats right I was on my way to buy shoes. Little did I know that the store was in a huge lightbulb.

As I parked in the lot I saw that that indeed although it was bright inside, there were about 1000 huge fluorescent bulbs lining the store. Not one huge bulb like it seemed from afar.

The problems began when I stepped out of the car into the scorching heat. I dont like the scorching heat. I thought at the time "Hmm this must be what hell feels like". Little did i know. I stepped into the store and I saw a huge fan. Uh Oh. That means the air conditioner doesnt work. But bravo DSW for the fans. You were circulating hor air. Why not have a few employees breath down my neck, literally, so I get the full affect of the circulatory genius you guys put together. The workers might as well have been carrying pitchforks to go with their little red pointy tails, because little did I know I had entered DSW shoe hell.

You always hear that hell is a huge bais medrash. One side ppl love to learn, and the other side people are sitting there waiting for the reccess that never comes.
I have news for you. Hell is a shoe store.

Reason #1: This particular shoe store has no Ac, and in addition has blinding lights inside the store that will give you a ga-run-teed bone fide headache before your day is done.
Reason #2: There are lots of shoes. Rows and Rows. I would say 15 rows of shoes and thirty shoes per row on each side. Thats alot of shoes. The law of averages says that you are bound to find something. Right?

But thats what hell is all about. It seems like a slam dunk good thing on the surface, but when you delve deeper in to the abyss you see that there are no shoes in this store. Nada, Zilp, nothing. You Painstainkingly go through ever shoe just to make sure.

Reason #3: Alas! In row 13 shoe 11 you have found it! The perfect shoe. Its just a weird color. So you frantically rip through the 4 other pairs they have looking for the color you want. Of course you come up empty. You must have done some naughty deeds. Even worse is when you are stupid enough to ask the salesperson do you have any in the back?? Hahahahahahahahaha! There is no "back" what you see is what you get in the crappy devil store.

Reason #4: But wait!! You have found the color! Now Ill let you in a a little secret. The 1size2small franchise was invented at that very moment in that very store. Because They had 3 pairs of the perfect shoe all of them were, you guessed it, one size too small. Blech. Is not like they were waaaaaaay to small or waaaay to big, just a little. Just enough for me to try them on walk around in them, and then realize that they didnt fit.

Reason #5: This is the last reason Ill mention, but there are more I tell ya, many more.

The clearnce section is horrible. They have a color coding clearence system like the goverment has warning levels. The first thing I do, as a proud Jew is try and get lucky on the clearance rack. I always get a little excited because when I make my mad dash to the rack, there is always a little girl with a size 2 shoe and a tiny dog that exclaims : I found these cute little Gucci's for 2 bucks mommy!

Of course I go to my size and start searching. No, No, No, No, YesnO, so frsutrating. You pass over the yellow booots, the green army fatigues. The fake alligator wingtips, the patents leather high heels- hey what are those doing here- and after a few minutes you glance in the direction of the 15 isles of hell, knowing that this, in all probability wont be your lucky 2 dollar day. The worst part is when you go to the size bigger and the size smaller "just to see". Of course they always have one or two pairs of shoes that are "doable". And heck, for 6 bucks mybe its worth the future foot problems. Blech.

-Wait till I take you guys clothes shopping.


*Many tiny exaggerations sprinkled in this post.
** They do indeed have an AC in general.

Girls never catch on, do they?

(Sorry about the bad and not really entertaining post but I felt i should give u guys something. Im swamped with work. again.)

There are many annoying things about girls who follow sports.

(Ok some girls really know about sports, but they are broadcasters)

1. Most girls arent following the sport they are watching, they are following the tushies. Im serious. The uniforms are really tight and there are constant close ups of these guys. If you listen closely, after a great play you will hear "boy thats a great tush. er i mean .. catch!" Those tight uniforms were a ploy to get more women watching the sport. Little did they know that men would stop watching because
a) they are not interested in seeing every hair and line in David Ortiz's tush
b) They wanted to get "away" while watching the game. Burping with your wife doesnt seem to cut it.
(yes Im aware of the tush patting thing, Ill try and explain that one away when im feeling witty).

2. Girls become overly obsessed with things. Of course you are thinking "Celly those big fatso's that paint their faces green are crazy and obsessed, lol!" I have news for you. Those poeple care at the ballpark, get their attention, then they go back to getting mentally abused by their bosses, children and wives. Then they go eat. Alot.

Girls however are really obsessed. They quickly discard the Garfield posters, barbie dolls, and chad Michael Murray posters, and then proceed to paint huge interlocking NY's on their ceilings and put up posters of their hottests, i mean favorite ballplayers.

Part 2: How to get girls to watch games when they really dont want too.

1. The superbowl. The biggest myth of the superbowl is that the commercials are good. Ahahahahahahahaha. Its clear to me that my great great grandfather was sitting around a table with his buddies (ok not mine but you know what i mean) and was desperate to come up with ways to watch the superbowl.

They all decided to leak to Oprah's great grandmother that women were missing out on great superbowl commercials. Then every woman "demanded" that they watch the superbowl every year. Genius.

Oprah is a magic woman or shamen that has a grip on every woman in the United States. I dont get it.

Of course generations later the men came to believe it too, and the advertisers felt they should try and be funny, and then the networks charged a ton of money for the spots. Yes the beer commercials are good, and the car commercials are usually stupid. We know. Stop yammering.

2. "There are only 2 minutes left". That my friends is one that you must use sparingly.

Scenario: Wife: Hey there Chuck(norris) you have been watching this historic NBA finals game for 2 hours now, I want to watch "Powder" its on ABC.

Chuck: Um ok honey , listen there are only 4 and a half minutes left to the game.

4.5 minutes later.

Wife: Hey chuck time to leave. The girls are here with their poodles.

Choked: Umm listen there are 4 minutes left. Soon. Only four minutes.

Wifey: $#*& you liar you said there were only 4.5 minuts left 5 minuts ago.
Chuck: There are i promise. *looks deep into her eyes* Would i lie to you?
Wife" throws the Mug that has the liquid in the lining that u freeze at his noggin:
"Yes! When you told me this ring Im wearing was diamond, not out of a crackerjack box!"

Chuck: Oh you know about that.

Wife: Thonk.

All men who follow sports know that between 1) Time outs
2) TV time outs(comercials
3) Two minute warnings
4) Distubances (Like streakers and stuff)

Four minutes at the end of a game can last an hour. Teehee. But it works once every couple of years, and only one per girlfreind/wife/mother/sister. (my sis it took some more time for her to catch on, but it was different sports.)

Bad Advertising

* I forgot to mention that this is an ad from the year 1983, before aids became a well known, worldwide issue.

Things that can be done with 500 bucks.

Recently I have departed with 500 dollars.
I received nothing.
Im slightly upset by this as you can imagine.
People are telling me that it is only 500, and what could I have done with the money?Well Ill give you the top ten:
1o) 500 black and white cookies.
9) 1000 white half black and white cookies
8) 2000 black half of the black and white cookies
7) 300 black and white cookies with peanut butter sandwich
6)250 black and white cookies with peanut butter and marshmellow fluff sandwhich
5)400 Smores black and white cookie sandwhiches
4) 6000 blue and white cookies from Yom Haatzmot on sale in most yesheivish bakeries- still.
3) 300,000 pink and white cookies
2) 5 Black and white cookies and 25 dougies all you can eat meals.
1) 1 Magenta, white, and toupe cookie. Its worth it
1a) 3 therapy sessions.
Yes I need comfort food.

Just another quick thought:
Have the readers Digest editors lost their minds, or does this prove what I feel during blackouts and strikes. (Ok the second blackout, the first one was only practice).

Take a look at this from the readers D:

So, which city emerged as the most polite and which as the rudest? Here’s what we discovered: The Top Three: New York, Zurich, TorontoThey have a reputation for being big-headed, but New Yorkers showed they are big-hearted, too, by finishing first in our global courtesy ratings. They placed in the top five in all three tests and were particularly polite when it came to holding doors open, with only two people failing to do so.“I don’t even think about it,” said syndications assistant Kirsten Chieco, who held the door of one of the Starbucks coffee shops where the tests were done. “Most New Yorkers are courteous.”Surprised? Not former Mayor Ed Koch. Asked to react to our findings, Koch pointed to a rise in New York niceness since the terrorist attacks on the city five years ago. “After 9/11, New Yorkers are more caring. They understand the shortness of life.”
http://http://www.readersdigest.ca/mag/2006/07/polite.php

Im not sure if we appreciate the shortness of life because of 9-11 though. Try crossing the street or driving through the city one time.

Happy Fathers Day!

Another annoying coke concept.

There are a few things that annoy me about coke. even pepsi has a couple. This is actually a serious issue and really not meant to be funny at all. Not even a bissel.

1) There are a million different types of cokes. With Lemon, with lime, diet, with caffeine, without, twisted, multiple personality, tar n' nicotine, etc. Im pretty sure they even have this new coke "black", which is coffee flavored coke.

Just a side point: Are they friggin nuts?? Coffee + coke = insane blood pressure levels. Coffee + Coke + chocolate bar + my high school class + regents + nodoz = psychotic teenagers. And don't think they havent come with something comparable to that. It was green, came in a two liter bottle, and I drank it like crazy to stay up all night. Thats right. Suuuuuuurge. Im wired just thinking about it. The FDA must have had a field day ripping that one off the market.

2) Then there is sprite. Im wondering if coke is halacha and sprite is torah shebeksav lehavdil (only kidding) because while coke is always changing, sprite stays the same. Pure and simple. Of course I dont drink sprite, or any other regular soda. (No Im not gonna do the " why do people order a triple cheese burger with a diet coke bit"). Diet sprite is disgusting, though i prefer it over non flavored warm, musty seltzer.

The point is that sprite should be changed a little. The best light soda is Diet Cherry Seven Up. I can see it now bubbling in my cup, the frothy CO2 bubbling over the side of a cool glass, on the beach in malibu with gir.... um er where was I. Oh right. So 7 up realized, hey! lets add cherry to the darn thing! woopie!

Sprite said " lets tell coke what 7 up did!" Such morons. Im angling for a taste testing job at Ben N' Jerrys (because contrary to popular belief in that moronic company "silly" names dont sell. I would like to know what is actually in my ice cream, images of monkey throwing up chunks, and dead fish dont work for me),
but coke is next in line.
3) Oh and one last thing is their old classic, cherry coke.

You might have wondered why there are 6 pictures of cherry coke. Well I decided to ponder the evolution of the cherry coke wrapper. Its something that always bothered me. I wonder if that makes it good advetising or not.

Pic one is circa. 2004, two is 1986, three is 2000, four is 1994, five is 1990.

lets go through this quickly for those that have A.D.D.:

1985/6: Not bad for that era. It might be the lack of computers in the eighties that made everythng so ugly. The clothes the hair, the people etc. This list now includes the cherry coke can. When i first saw it I thought it looked very "seventies", but it might be even less cool. In fact it has a certain old school charm to it. fine.

1990: Uh oh. They needed a change! They had some more technology to work with, so they felt the need to add color. The cherry color. Ok. But ow I know where rokeach and other jewish companies get their newfangled soda bottle designs. The "New" on the can might actually be true. They might have done the same stupid thing they did to coke, change the recipie. Why not? It was working, so change it! Good idea. I wonder if its really called cherry coke classic too. Morons.

1994: This change gets my panties all in a bunch. Its like ugly purple wallpaper. But not so bad. It has the cherries on it. But really, is it any worse/better then the old version? Will i start drinking this now? Answer: No! In fact those idiots were marketing towards me! I started drinking Dr. pepper at the moment i saw this. (Yes they are re-using this can now as well. another really smart move in the era where every kid is doing graphic design on their mommys macs.)

2000: Huh? This one was a shocker. I have to admit I was kinda attracted to the little guy. It was so ridiculous a design on so many levels. All you readers are used to this design, but when it first came out you could not believe how bad it was.
Its biggest problem was probably the fact that the "crazy" lines were giving people internal seizures. Wonderful.
Lets try and re-create how this design came about. There are 15 "suits" sitting in coke towers. and they are all discussing how horrible their cherry coke design is.

Larry: " Hey Sherbert I bet you my 3 year old can come up with a better design then your pansy purple n' cherry disaster from '94"

Sherby: "Ok you're on larry. Lets put the advertising of this multi-million dollar soft drink in the hands of box of crayola's and a 3 year old"

Larry: "10 bucks?"

Sherby: "you're on"

Larry to kid: Hey what did you learn today "vannila twist?"

kid: " how to color black magic!"

Larry: " thats great. can you come up with design? Ill write in the letters cherry coke on it afterwards" (yes that is Larry's handwriting)

Next day

Larry to semi retarted board: "Wala! Here it is"

Semi retarted Board room after a couple of drinks to get over their hangovers:

The rest is history.

Newest design: boring, and looks like all the other coke product designs. Sheesh.

Thanks for the convenience

You know how things are done for public convenience? Thats right. Like EZ pass. Or metrocards. Or a chip that can be placed in little kids kidneys so they wont get lost. Or the little hotel room cards we use now instead of keys. Well just an FYI, these are all part of the way that Big Brother can also conveniently moniter use so we can be "safe".

Thats not really my beef. I just hate it when things are marketed as being convienent for us when they really arent. I mean c'mon guys dont insult our intelligence.

The new 1 liter bottles of coke were through me for a loop. I still remember the first time I saw them. I was shopping for shabbos, and I know exactly how many bottles we need. Exactly. I need ma so-da. Yet i go to the aisle, and there are the 1 liter bottles.
2 for 2 dollars!!!! Procalimed the sign. Thats the first problem, cause the store I shop at sold coke for 1.07 a bottle. A BOTTLE OF 2 LITERS, MORONS!
But the first reaction is yaaaaaay I save 14 cents! Then your brain kicks in and says, "something is off dude." Oh crap. It looks like I'll have to buy double the bottles now for shabbos.

But wait, I thought that coke came up with an ingenious way to sell us less soda for more money, but noooo they actually just care about the consumer. The consumer for the last 40 years had a really hard time pouring. I mean its really hard to do. The baby boomers are getting older and the arthritis is kicking in.

P-ulease, anyone over the age of 10 can pour, or at least figured out that gosh golly they have 2 hands. Thats right 2 for the price of 1. "But celly sometimes if you dont hold the cup it spills!"

Oh ok good point. Use a glass cup, like you have been doing for the last 10 years or ask someone else to pour for you. I seriously dont care that you cant pour. Ill concede that the 3 liter bottles are a little crazy to hold, but who wants 2 liters of dead soda anyways?

Of course the Jewish companies now have a long a narrow container thats "easy to hold". Thanks guys. Now Ill have to a) get another job so all my kids can have a glass of juice in the morning, or b) I can teach my 2 year old kid how to pour his juice all over the floor, I mean its so convenient even HE can grab it. Vey convenient. Try and block out the fact that the very same companies that make the OJ containers have handles on their milk containers. Amazing.

One last problem with those stupid one liters are that they are too small for a full blown out meal, yet too big to drink while waiting for the train. What would that commercial look like. A guy in his crisp white shirt grabs his grabbable 1 liter and take a huge swing. The next scence shows him with paper towels with a bottle of selzter cleaning off his shirt because it all came out to fast. Thanks again for the convenience guys.

(Do not get me started on those 4 ounce "botties" of water. Do YOU find 4 ounces enough to quench YOUR thirst?)

A Quick Note

The Brits had 4 years to come up with fight songs for the world cup. But this one really is horrible.

The makers of the Crazy Frog ring tone presents this :

Random Obseravtions of Eretz Hakodesh

Flatbush that is.... There are many observations that one can make about this new and interesting land. Feel Free to add your own. (This is not a bashing thread)

1. I kind of understand the need to sleep with noise. I live in an area where the cars do zoom by all night. When I go to a quiet area like the Catskills it is a little hard to fall asleep. It’s even harder to sneak into the kitchen and eat all the fattening food in the middle of the night. What I don’t understand, is the attraction to moving on Ocean Parkway. Not around the corner, but actually on top of it. It’s smelly loud and full of people. There are thousands of cars that drive by at all times of the night.

Now if you have ever been to the side of any highway that runs through a neighborhood, you will notice that it is less then attractive, for the most part. If you go to Queens BLVD, which is pretty busy as well, and even claims to be the BLVD of death (Lo aleinu) you will see that it is surrounded by Apartment buildings. The rich people in Forest Hills actually built a beautiful little town FAR away from the noisy street. This brings me back to who actually lives right next to this noisy avenue that gives little or no privacy to its inhabitants. Rich People. I kid you not. Rich people buy up the property, that’s right people they knock down the house that was there, cement over any remaining greenery that might have existed before, and rebuild a tall, narrow but beautiful house.
Have you ever played with Dominoes? You line them all up next to each other and click them over till they all fall down? Well that’s what the houses look like on Ocean Parkway. Tall Narrow and just asking for a little wind to knock em all over.
First of all there is the noise issue, you get the ambulances, Hatzolah, police, shomrim, hockers and others that use their lights and sirens constantly.
Then of course, as any good NY driver knows you get the honking. Every time the light turns green. That means the second the light turns green *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK HONK HONK* which is followed by the obligatory F you and the like. This actually gets worse as the night progresses. Think about it, the later people get home the angrier they are.

Much like having a house next to an amtrack station or NJ transit, this location blows.
Don’t forget about the constant Parades, New Sefer Torah's, Riots(hey you never know), Kids hanging out on shavuos night because it is pretty cool to do that , Levayas of Huge Gedolim (C"V) and the like. This leads to no privacy.

I was at R' Avigdor Miller's zatzal's levaya and literally I was standing on some dudes porch. They had closed their shades so tightly; if you ran through the window with a baseball bat the shades would have bounced that baby back into your head.

Haven’t you ever walked into your room after a shower and forgot to clothes the shades?? You scream ahhhhhhh omg omg omg, then drop to the floor and feel for the blinds cord. Well if you live on Ocean Parkway you will be lucky if one of the 4000 people who saw you in your full glory didn’t take a picture of you and plaster it on the internet with the fateful words “Caption this." No wonder the people who live there have a house in Florida and Deal.

One other observation on these houses. If you spend millions on such a house, why do you have the K-mart special plastic chairs out front? Seriously.



Ill stop with one because I am getting the feeling most people don’t read through the entire post anyways. Hey Im not so funny all the time, deal with it.