The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

I was once driving on the highway, hands at 10 and 2 of course, and I came a up with a brilliant idea.

Sometimes you get an idea where you see the light bulb bing on above your head and you just know its a doozie.

Well that happened to me. I saw the bright light. In fact I was almost blinded by it. I nearly swerved off the road. Then i thought, I see the bulb, but there are 2 problems.
1) Its a fluorescent, and these ideas are always incandescent.
2) I didnt have an idea, just the bright light part.
so right away I knew something was wrong.

It struck me then, that there was the place I was headed to, my beacon of freedom, my light at the end of the tunnel, my final destination : DSW Shoe Warehouse.

Thats right I was on my way to buy shoes. Little did I know that the store was in a huge lightbulb.

As I parked in the lot I saw that that indeed although it was bright inside, there were about 1000 huge fluorescent bulbs lining the store. Not one huge bulb like it seemed from afar.

The problems began when I stepped out of the car into the scorching heat. I dont like the scorching heat. I thought at the time "Hmm this must be what hell feels like". Little did i know. I stepped into the store and I saw a huge fan. Uh Oh. That means the air conditioner doesnt work. But bravo DSW for the fans. You were circulating hor air. Why not have a few employees breath down my neck, literally, so I get the full affect of the circulatory genius you guys put together. The workers might as well have been carrying pitchforks to go with their little red pointy tails, because little did I know I had entered DSW shoe hell.

You always hear that hell is a huge bais medrash. One side ppl love to learn, and the other side people are sitting there waiting for the reccess that never comes.
I have news for you. Hell is a shoe store.

Reason #1: This particular shoe store has no Ac, and in addition has blinding lights inside the store that will give you a ga-run-teed bone fide headache before your day is done.
Reason #2: There are lots of shoes. Rows and Rows. I would say 15 rows of shoes and thirty shoes per row on each side. Thats alot of shoes. The law of averages says that you are bound to find something. Right?

But thats what hell is all about. It seems like a slam dunk good thing on the surface, but when you delve deeper in to the abyss you see that there are no shoes in this store. Nada, Zilp, nothing. You Painstainkingly go through ever shoe just to make sure.

Reason #3: Alas! In row 13 shoe 11 you have found it! The perfect shoe. Its just a weird color. So you frantically rip through the 4 other pairs they have looking for the color you want. Of course you come up empty. You must have done some naughty deeds. Even worse is when you are stupid enough to ask the salesperson do you have any in the back?? Hahahahahahahahaha! There is no "back" what you see is what you get in the crappy devil store.

Reason #4: But wait!! You have found the color! Now Ill let you in a a little secret. The 1size2small franchise was invented at that very moment in that very store. Because They had 3 pairs of the perfect shoe all of them were, you guessed it, one size too small. Blech. Is not like they were waaaaaaay to small or waaaay to big, just a little. Just enough for me to try them on walk around in them, and then realize that they didnt fit.

Reason #5: This is the last reason Ill mention, but there are more I tell ya, many more.

The clearnce section is horrible. They have a color coding clearence system like the goverment has warning levels. The first thing I do, as a proud Jew is try and get lucky on the clearance rack. I always get a little excited because when I make my mad dash to the rack, there is always a little girl with a size 2 shoe and a tiny dog that exclaims : I found these cute little Gucci's for 2 bucks mommy!

Of course I go to my size and start searching. No, No, No, No, YesnO, so frsutrating. You pass over the yellow booots, the green army fatigues. The fake alligator wingtips, the patents leather high heels- hey what are those doing here- and after a few minutes you glance in the direction of the 15 isles of hell, knowing that this, in all probability wont be your lucky 2 dollar day. The worst part is when you go to the size bigger and the size smaller "just to see". Of course they always have one or two pairs of shoes that are "doable". And heck, for 6 bucks mybe its worth the future foot problems. Blech.

-Wait till I take you guys clothes shopping.


*Many tiny exaggerations sprinkled in this post.
** They do indeed have an AC in general.