Why I hate Purim (themes)

Why do I feel dead inside?

Hmm.

Well I was shopping, for one.

I was shopping for beer, for two.

That might sound good, but it was for, you guessed it, a Purim theme.

I’m not a hater. I understand why people do them. I don’t care that people go way overboard to show up their neighbors. I don’t care that people blow college funds and cash in 401 k's for them. I JUST DONT CARE. In fact I enjoy eating them. I don’t care that some people go out of their way to NOT make a theme. To spend money on matanos le evyonim and to make sure we damn well know it. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS NON MISHLOACH MANOS, OH AND WE GAVE YOU THIS CARD BECAUSE WE GIVE TO THE POOR, NOT TO YOUR SORRY BUTT, K ?

I don’t care that we are still doing a theme probably so the neighbors will like us. Mom, the neighbors hate us. Making a theme will not win them back. I also don’t care that we might be doing this so we can say "boy your sister did such a good job, when she starts dating I have a great shidduch for her!" I really don’t care. Good for her.

So what do I care about? I ALWAYS seem to get involved. Always.

So I need to get the beer, but not any beer, a beer that fits out theme. So I drive from store to store looking for "that" beer. Also we need to give alcohol, or cutsie little grape juice bottles, that somehow fit into the theme, so we don’t look cheap. Because if we look cheap that we look poor, and if we look poor, then people will take pity on out sorry tushies, and if they take pity they will be nice to us, and if they are nice they might invite us for MORE meals, give us their kids hand me downs, and overall not allow me to be an anti social poopy head.

Ok then I have to buy the beer. Buying beer is "cool" for some. Not for me, cause I don’t really drink. That’s why I hate Purim. If you don’t drink, Purim stinks. Yes I love Hashem so stop. Anyways, I first have to call my friends and im 4 dozen people to find out that unless there IS a ghey flavoring in it, it’s kosher. Because if it aint kosher that’s a horrific mistake. Don’t give people non kosher food. That’s REALLY REALLY REALLY bad for shidduchim.

The truth is people don’t et home baked cholov stam cholov, meat, dairy, store processed, bought from goyim, not kosher for pesach, candy or anything else, so the truth is although they will be "outraged" that its treif, everything goes in the can anyways.

This leads me to the best theme ever. Treif. That’s right. I found a cutsie bag (ill get to THOSE in a second), with happy little pigs on them. Perfect. Then I could pack a happy meal from the dollar menu. I can have little ve Na hapuch hu stickers " from the celly's". Enjoy! Ill bet most people wouldn’t even realize.

Or I could throw whatever I want. I would love to make a poem out of all the beef jerky skittles garbage I could find.

Back to the beer. So I go to pay. Yes I’m looking chunky these days, so the chunkier I get the younger I look. But I know this. I have my ID ready. I don’t want to make a scene in path mark. I also have a 4 day shadow. (Still do). Ok she first looks at the Chinese lady BEHIND me and says, are these yours? What the heck is that!!!! No I say they are mine. Here is my (pre-emptive strike) ID. Then she had a police scanner checker there. She stares at it for like 4 minutes pushing buttons waiting. I almost wanted her to arrest me. Then she calls over the supervisor. Now im angry. You might as well throw on a siren and lock down the store. The manager looks at my id and says " hmmmmmmmmm my son born in 82, you born later but you still old enough like my son" Thanks you lady, you are a genius. I hope your son is having a good time in AA. Lemme buy my cheap crappy beer. Thanks again. Toodles.


Then I leave. I pick up my sis. Out of the goodness of my heart I offer to drive her to the store where we buy the *bags* and the *ribbon* and the *crepe paper*. I said I will wait in the car while you buy the stuff. Ok. So im waiting. I get call. Celly, I need you. They ran out of bags.

Well of course we wait till the VERY last second, which is why I’m doing anything for this stupid theme in the first place. Also this store is packed with desperate themers grabbing anything they can from the shelves. So they have 5 bags left in that style. I say "take anything". She says we cant they are "ugly". Then says “I need your opinion".

Girls never ever need your opinion, they just want it so they can mock the male stupidity when it comes to such important and delicate life issues like Purim themes. So I fond parking, 3 Israeli women stole spots from me, and after much cursing, I found a spot. (I prayed they got alternate side tickets.)

Now I’m in the store. She found bags. She doesn’t like them. I looked. I chose 3 different bags. "No. No. and No" I said” I thought you wanted my opinion." She aid "if we get those bags we have to change out theme." "Ok" I say. "No" she says, “we have to think it out first.”No" I say.

And the ugly bags it was. "Celly, they ran out of the chocolate kisses we wanted". Ok, I mentally add yet another store the long list.

We made a deal. We get the ugly bags, if I draw the theme related materials on the bags. 5 of them. I am soooooooooooooo not doing it.

But I digress.

So we wait on-line for an hour, I found ribbon (I made a decision! boohoo!) Then we buy the stuff in the candy store. The candy store doesn’t quite have the candy we needed. So we have to go to the pharmacy to get the exact thing. I can’t even write about this anymore. No it’s not over yet, as we have to make the "baked good". No I am not doing that part, but why oh why must we make something???

1. No one will eat it because it will be treif. (We are using milchig utensils but parve ingredients, so don’t eat it with your chicken.)
2. No one will think we are "gishikt" if we do it.
3. No one will think we every bake ever in out home if we do it.
4. No one cares.

Then there are the poems. Thats where I am drafted every single year to put together the theme in one unit, rhyme eveything, and hnit that maybe it has something to do with purim. For example, treif = opposite of the norm = ve na hapuch hu. Usually I write 2 poems. One that is for the families eyes only, as it shows how I really feel about them. Uusally gets a chuckle.

That stopped when we printed out the wrong one and they almost got sent out. woopsie.

So basically I have to take 7 random items that really have nothing much tied to each other besides the "theme". like the year we did doodles. It was impossible to rhyme dipsey and sunny and yankee and what ever other doodles we got, and tie them into purim. But i did it. Now Im about to do it again.

My sister just informed me we got the cling wrap and baggies, I must go and put 4 Hershey kisses in a little baguette cut a little piece of ribbon, and tie them just so.

45 times.

Ouchie.

We don’t even have 45 friends.

But if we don’t make that many we will have 45 more enemies.

Gd forbid a good friend gets a repackaged one.

Gd forbid a good friend gets their own back.

We have gotten ours back before.

I didn’t care

I liked ours better

The end.

Can’t wait till Pesach.

Dentists

Let’s address the suicide myth head on. Ok maybe its not a myth, but it should be. Lets think about the horrible life of a Jewish dentist.

He wakes up in the morning, davens, sits down and eats a wonderful breakfast prepared by his say at home wife. Kisses the kids on their keppels, and goes to learn. I know, that’s terrible so far.

Then he gets in for his 10 o’clock appointment. Uch, he has to look into mouths yet again. He pulls out the wisdom teeth and yawns. He is ready to kill himself.

I mean he would much rather be unloading docks or be an accountant slaving away for one of the big four. Its more awesome to never see your family. Or perhaps he wants to work the docks?

Then as he moves the sharp edge of the tooth counter tool towards his throat he sees green.
No, not kermy hitting on miss piggy, he sees money. Its everywhere. he has 6 patients lined up. The wisdom teeth are 400 a pop. No insurance accepted. Hmm he thinks, money isnt everything. True, but then he thinks how he will leave this office at 6 and plan a vacation with his wife to the Bahamas. He just has to wait till she gets back from shopping in Soho.

Orthodontists. They have the best job known to man. Why? Its not the work they do. That’s not the funnest thing in the world. How many jobs can you mess up over and over again at, yet be given a time extension? That’s right its death row lawyers, and orthodontists. Your mouth might be wired for longer then Teddy K appealed his death sentence.

We all know how it works. You go in for an "appraisal". He fills your mouth with cement.

Lets discuss the cement. Is there no better way? Do you have to bury my taste buds so you know what my teeth look like? I was choking dude. You told me to COUGH so I could break that seal that didn’t allow me to breath. But i guess that normal. You can’t sue a dentist for THAT.

Ok so he gets the mold and tells you to leave. *ka- ching*
He tells you to come back so u can discuss a "course of action". Then you can get fitted. *ka- ching* *ka- ching*.

This is where the shady stuff begins. He tells you it should take about 4 years to fix your teeth.

4 years!!!!!!!!!!!! They build stadiums in four years! They launch rocket ships for shorter then that. What the heck takes 4 years? Ok so you get him down to 2.5. You actually negotiate how long it’s going to take to fix your teeth. That’s ridiculous. You can negotiate contracts, what time your teacher will throw a dictionary at you to wake you up, but you cant negotiate when your teeth will be fixed. Unless of course its a scam.

It made me realize that dentists and the mafia are quite similar. The mafia gets all the highway building contracts in NY, they fix the roads just so they last 2 years or so, then bam they have to fix it again. This is all to make more money. You would think that dentists, being in the health profession would never be like that. Wrong. They mess up and re-fix, mess up and re-fix. For years. They are never held responsible for this crap.

You go through your agreed and negotiated 2 years. However you never signed a contract. I mean he is a doctor for Pete’s sake. You trust him.

Anyways, three years, four years, and five years pass. Each time he had to tinker here and put a titanium wire there. Or change the thickness of the rubber bands. Never did he tell you "boy did I screw up your mouth, I need another year. Instead, he rakes in the dough. You personally financed his succos in Israel. You bought a 10 dollar esrog set on erev erev succos. In the rain.

You finish college with wires in your mouth. I cant begin to tell you how that lisp and drooling affected your social life. But that’s ok, because you are in your prime!!!!!!!! woohoo. You have the best years of your life with that sexy new smile you paid upwards of 5000 bucks for.

Then comes the fine print. The retainer. The orthodontist removes your braces and tells you somberly that although things are looking great now, after five long years, you need to wear a retainer. For the first year you have to wear it all the time, after that only at night.

No to mention the lisp gets worse. You sound like Giuliani on roids.

So basically if you dont follow that you are not responsible Mr. ortho man?

"Correct".

Well guess what. I wore them all day for 2 years. The only at night until they actually broke from over use. That’s right. But I figured I did above and beyond so my smile should be fine.

Wrong. I got them because of the stupid gap. I hated the gap. 5k for the gap to close. It did. Then after 3 months without "tainy" as i called him. It started coming back. Its not nearly as bad, but thats not the point. You wouldn’t want the hole in your ceiling to be semi closed, you would fire his tushie. Sue him. But not the ortho man. Not the ortho man.


People are scared of the dentist, and I understand that. Tooth pain is the worst pain in the world. And add the drill to the equation and we have a full blown dentophobia.

Truth be told, dentists are really nice talkative people. They will talk to you to keep your mind off the task at hand. They will distract you from all the sharp objects poking and prodding, by talking, Novocain, and that light that they shine which blinds your view. It looks like the light at the end of the tunnel with the drugs in your system.

The annoying thing is, when they work on you they love to chatter. the problem is they want you to talk back. " how is the weather celly?"

"mfaikbsd"
"yes 70 degrees is nice" (somehow they always know what you are saying... scary stuff. They might teach that in school)

This can go on for an hour, anf you just want to go to your happy place. Its hard for you too talk when you have sharp objects in your mouth. Leave me alone.

Then they get offended when you dont answer them. sheesh.

Ok so what is the happy place? Thats where you go when you are being internally tortured by the evil dentist man. You close you eyes and there you are on the beach. You are sooooooo relaxed. The sun is shining you are sitting on your beach chair talking to hot chicks. Then suddenly you get attacked by an army of fire ants! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Please unclench your Jaw and let go of my tie Mr. door"

Ok you slipped up. You relax again. I never said it was easy to do.

The best part of the visit is the fluoride treatment. They lay on a goop of whatever flavor you want. I like strawberry. I also like the drooling part. The whole thing makes me feel like a baby again.

Speaking of drooling. My favorite tool is the spit sucker. The almighty powerful spit sucker, which allows the dentist to see in your mouth.

one time a friend of mine wanted to test the spit sucker. So he started letting out allot of spit. It was making some noises, but the familiar noise held. Ok. Then he hocked the biggest loogie he could find in his freaking bowels. Uh oh, the noise stopped. He blocked the tube. How embarrassing. Then he heard a little squelch. And a pop. That’s right, the ol' spit sucker vacuumed that green loogie right up.

The worst is the end of the visit, after he tries in vain to clean your teeth, and he hands you a toothbrush. If that isn’t a hint, I dont know what is.

There are the X rays. The fish tanks, the outdated magazines, but the thing that makes it a real dentists office is that corny dentist joke sign. I’m not going to bring examples, because the jokes are even worse then mine.

Finally, there are the shingle dentists. Do me a favor, If you do have a shingle up, don’t make it a puke green, and wash it. You’re working in my mouth.

A real post is coming soon.

A poetic interlude

One second you're light

The next its all tight

The pressure amounts

It wont give an ounce

You wonder if ever

you'll shed that tether

for good.

I needed an update. Tommorow people. I need short ventings.

Weekend trains

Bing Bong.

Well Im on the train. I mapped it out perfectly. I take the F to the Q and bammo, Ill be there in 1.5 hours.

You notice that the train is smelly. Very smelly. You notice a pile of newspapers an old duffel bag, and a drunk homeless guy underneath...

Gross.

How can this happen my brothers and sisters? Oh thats right. Its the Weekend.

People say not to go to the hospitals on the weekends, because all the good staff have gone home for the weekend. Id venture to say that getting the wrong operation might be less painful then taking mass transit on the weekends.

Take a few months back. I had to take the F to the Q. Simple enough. Ok so I needed a few extra minutes to account for less trains on Sunday morning, but i should have been there in an hour anda half.

Well. Im on the F then I get on the Q. The Q train is gross. Its the weekend. So why bother cleaning up? Why bother cleaning up that pile of newspapers, the duffel bag, and the the.. smelly homeless guy underneath? Isnt Gulliani the one who started homeless pounds? Take him there!

Then you realize on top of the smell there is the no air conditioning. The "windows" on the train are open so we get the fresh subway tunnel air into the train.

Ok though . Im a tough NY'er. I am a risk taker. I peer at the door between the cars. I will ride between them. I takea deep breath, and pull the door... and pull the door... oh @#% its locked. Locked!! They never do that. The homeless guy is stirring, and he is now moving the trajectory of the smelly air into my direction. Grossness dude. Grossness.

You ignore the black spots. Here's the tentative plan B. At the next stop switch to the next car.

Ok. You get off the train. You run to the nexy train. You drop your CD player. You miss your train. UgHHHHHHHHHHHH. The next one will be here in 20 minutes.

Finally the train arrives. At the next stop the train stops. You hear that voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown come over the loud speaker. You know, the mwha wmah wmaha voice. Basically this train is stopping here. Thats not good. You have to either take the N to the z to the 1 2 or 3. Or you can take the temporary busses that will drop you an extra 15 blocls away from your destination. Grrrr.


I took the bus.

Then there was last weekend. All you needed was to take the F train straight. After your whole weekend of partying (ok fine we played with oujia board looking for ghosts) it wasnt easy to wake up at six. To reach a class by nine. But you did it.

So you are ready for your nice long ride on the F. You can fall asleep or read or do anything you want. You fall asleep. When you wake up you see a weird stop. Where the F are you? The train stops. You hear the anouncement. "The F train, due to construction will reroute and go to Euclid ave." If you were smart you would swit to the G on Hoyt which is doing the F trains run. Um ok.
That makes a lot of sense. The g can do the F's run, but the F cant switch tracks.

Bing bong. you of course hear the message but it doesnt really register. You do notice the once crowded train is empty. There is the one black dude. You are so lost you have 2 options. Both make you look like an out of towner. One makes you look like a nerdy out of towner.

Instead of lookinjg at the map you ask the black guy. These guys know the trains backwards and fowards.

"Hey dude, I need to get the ________ ave. Where are we and how do I get there?" So he says, let me show you on the map."
Great. Now you are the Nerd of the Herd Out of towner from the Hicks. Or even worse, Europe.

He points to the tippy top of brooklyn. "You are here." (Jeez ). He points to the lower part of brooklyn. "You should be there."

Take this train back to [he points] hoyt"." Oh hehe hoyt for the G right?"

Well you have 10 minutes to get to class. Its at least a half hour on the train back.
By some miracle you see an express A across the tracks. You run over the the conducters wondow not caring that ONLY blind, retarted, or sick people ever ask for help from the conducter. That includes murder. But you are so giddy that youll get the Hoyt faster you shout to him over the noise: does this go to Hoyt bro?"

You pause. You could have sworn you heard your voice over the... oh no. He was making his anouncement. It was clear as a bell. So was your dumb question. You apologize. He waves u in the car. Now EVERYONE on the train knows what a dumb dumb you are. You slept through Hoyt, and now u ended up at Euclid. Moron.

Well the train is moving. You hear keys jingling, and the conducter gets out of his little tiny room and comes over to you. Of course you ignore him. He says " here lemme show you on the map."

You pinch you little butt cheek to wake u, but no its really happening.

You finally get the G which comes after about 30 minutes. Game over.

The way back wasnt much better. "You took a shortcut" The D. You run for the D train. You wait for it. And wait for it, and wait for it. You get upset and start readin random signs. The one behind you says " No D train here today due to platform construction." Oh &*&^.

WHAT CONSTRUCTION!!??. The rats are hired by the city to fix the rails?!?

You are hot, sweaty and disgusted. You take the N. Local. Local is a dirty word. It means every 3 minutes is another dumb stop with a dumb name. You switch for the D after 45 minutes.

Ok you are almost home! woohoo. & hours on the train seems ok.

But you wait for theF. And wait, and wait.

While you wait there is a band playing some horible song. The lead singer gives you a hard stare. You hug the platform beam tight. You give him a dollar.

More and more people come. They wan the F too. You contemplate riding on the door. Its gonna be comfortable.

It wouldve been. Thats fo shizzle.

I will finish that story... later.

Some random thoughts for the New Year.

1. When you flush a toilet, dont just flush and walk away. You might end up coming back three or four times because the water looks like Pi$$. Yes, brown water. No im not a racist. I like my water clear. thanks.

2. Dont question someone who wants you to take them to the bathroom. Ever. You might end up in spongebob boxers with a huge stinky mess.

3. Dont sing songs that have been "created" in the last 5 years during kedusha, hallel, and the like. Especially English songs. They dont inspire, just annoy the heck out of us lowly yeshiva guys. Yes, that includes mama rochel and the like.
4. If I hear one more time that girls are not superficial I will throw up.

5. To impress a girl, a guy must sing really loud, make all kinds of funny animal noises, and become an all out fool. One suit, a scruffy beard, and a couple of ties do the trick.

6. For a girl to impress a guy she must change her clothes 19 times a day. She must iron or gel her hair for 24 hours before meeting them, and she has to have an "outfit" for every situation. That includes sweats for "casual" bus time.

7. In certain circles girls do not wear shabbos robes. I know. Crazy stuff.

8. If I ever hear that all girls do not think about marriage all the time from conception, I will also throw up. Please give some examples of what else they might discuss. Thanks.

9. Just because they are mentally ill, does not mean they dont enjoy, Cold soda. Cold DIET soda, food that is enough to go around, food in general.

10. Never, Never, eat yellow snow.

I will return with more. I almost forgot about this baby.

The oven is not a storage closet

The oven/ dishwasher is not a place to store anything. You might think thats self explanatory. Not everywhere. I might not have the time or ideas to blog about, but i can help out the masses a little.

Some people want to hide food. I hide food. Dont want the sibs stealing my yummy food. The trick is to remember where the food is. I cant tell you how many green cheese danishes i have found while cleaning out the garage. The worst part is that the fudgie cookies look as fresh as the day you bought em. The worseter part is that I always consider eating it. Ya know, chuck it into the microwave. Ill eat anything nuked. The worsterer part is when i consider eating the moldy oldy cheeses danish. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

But I digress.

So lets say your hubby is on a no salt, no cheese, no cake. no sweets, no happpines diet. Yet you still need to feed the kiddies their snacks. You are a good mommy and you dont give your kids the pear with the soft spot, and a tuna sandwich on whole wheat bread. Oh dont forget the non yo-crunch yogurt. You want your kid to have the ability to trade his gushers for a ring ding. You are a compassionate mom.

But I digress.

So you decide hmmm i have to hide the sweets somewhere. But where? Where can I hide the snacks where hubby would never ever look??? Somewhere that is easily accessible to me? So you think of all the places (oven, washing machine, his chossen shas) then BINGO you decide the dishwasher is the very best place for them.

Ok. Not bad in theory. In fact you have three of them. You never use the Parave one anyways. The one or two times you do use your parave dishes, you have your kid wash them by (gasp) hand.

And by the way, if your hubby is on such a diet, he is desperatly hungry. If he doesnt inhale his supper of a fig and that salad with no dressing, he ate at wolf and lamb with a client during lunch. Chances are he didn't make out to well. He was to busy making up for lost time.

But I digress.

Oh and one more thing. If hubby didnt cheat, chances are he will destroy the house looking for the "stash". Its like a junkie who needs his fix. HE WILL FIND IT.

Digressing again aint I?

Well back to your original hiding spot. Just as the fridge is NOT a good hiding spot for hide and seek (scary though actually), the dishwasher is not such a great place for m n m's and ring dings.

Why? Heated dry. For those men who are still men and dont know about such things, most people set their dish washer for heated dry.

OK celly, why is that a bad thing? Well you have to factor in kids. Kids like touching things. They have a special 6th sense of destruction. They will start a load in your parave dishwasher. That will do a wonderful job on your snakies. Melted candy. Melted flimsy plastic wrappers. And unless you have a stainless stell job, you better get your self a new one. Microwaves are cheaper. Keep it in there. (though he prob has a remote and a food chute connected to it because that is how real men cook.) Just admit that it was a moronic idea in the first place.

But thats not the worst thing thing possible.

To be continued...

I just did this meme but...

For Limey. Im a bit busier now but here goes:

Favorite room in the house:

Bathroom

What my throne will resemble when i build a castle:

A toilet

What my house must have no matter how small:

Two bathrooms

What annoys me most:

1)When announcers on the radio say the sponser is "coke" with that spit filled second "ka" sound"

2) When my father makes the kissing sound with his tzizsis withthe tips of his lips

What I feel bad about

When I got teary eyed at the end of elf. (santa claus is comin' to tooooooooooown)

Favorite veggie:

Anything covered in ranch dressing

Favorite fruit:

1)Richard simmons

2) Pinapples

3) mango's

Most annoying thing about my favorite fruit

1) everything

2) If you eat them for 25 days straight you get major sores, and your toungue swells up, and you sound funny when you talk,

3) really hard to cut. Slippery little critters. Sticky. More on the floor after Im done cutting them. I need a shower just thinking about that.

My opinion on whether guys have best friends:

See first favorite fruit

Liberal or conservative

a Conny, cause she plays piano (im hilarious)

What I majored in:

Not psych

Why majoring not in psych is dumb:

Every hot chick takes it.

Favorite actor:

Whoopi. (i couldnt think of one offhand, and she needs the fans)

Favorite Movie food if i went:

Rolo's

Favorite candy bar from 98-99

Skor

Candy bar I always hated

Baby ruth bars

Im a sports fan of :

Yanks
knicks
Jets
Rangers

Im a sports fan because:

The same reason im an alcoholic

peer pressure

Why being a sports fan is stupid:

Its a waste of time

Why i dont care that sports is a waste of time:

I would have to find a harder way to procrastinate

Favorite Jello:

I think I officially dont like it: But red is cool. eww

A new annoying thing that just popped up:

when your mother takes your cell because she refuses to get one on principle, then your friends hate you because you dont answer the calls.

A short baby rant for ski mom

Babies. According to a loved one they are a parasites. Think about it. First they make you throw up, make you carry them around. Suck all your nutrients, and make you feel woozy and sick all the time. Then after birth they cry (we will get back to that), not stam ( shout out?) crying, but a full blown out cry. I cant cry like that at 3 am. In fact i cant speak at three am. I just grunt. Learn to talk you little parasitic plum.

Ok then they get older, and you are buying diapers, paying tuitions, toilet training them. Feeding them more.

They become teenagers and dont appreciate anything. They scream, yell, say they hate you,and thats after all your hard work. Then they cry at your auf ruf how much they love you. If your lucky. boohoo.

Then you get old(IMH) and need help(CV) and they dump you in some home(CV) while they count YOUR money. Waiting till they day they can divvy it up.

Then there is the concept of crying. Babies will wake up every thirty two seconds and cry. The very second your head hits the pillow: waaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh shut up already you guiltily think. Then you march over to the baby, think about getting the duct tape, and you sing the baby to sleep. Of course you dont have the nursing advantage if your a guy. When the baby sees you they cry even more. Unless you are overly heavy and you have similar anatomy.

Babies are like parrots, they never perform when you want them to. I mean you teach the kid so many tricks, to walk, talk, poop green and yellow, then you ask the little, 4 month old ingrate to do one trick and he goes to sleep. awwwwwwwwww is the liddle baby sweeeeping? WAKE UP I NEED TO SHOW YOU OFF YOU LITTLE MUSH. NO CHOCO MILK BABA FOR YOU! you think. The you glumly say " yeah sleep, wtvr"

Of course you know that night he will keep you up. What are a teenager already? WAKE UP!

And its not just at home, i saw at least 5 sleeping babies at this wedding i went to. The music was so loud. Boom Boom Boom. Yet the babies were just sleeping away. I guess they had a little bartenura.

ok im done.

Myspace/ facebook

Just in case you need a backround..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myspace

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facebook


Its a new technology age. These days you dont exist with out a myspace account.

You have choose your myspace name carefully. It might turn into your real one.

Dont go with zanadu lover 666 as a joke, because thats how they will call up your child at his bar mitzva.
Of course your children can change their own birth myspace name later in life.

Oh and for Petes sake dude, dont go with one letter. This is not sesame street. Oh i know, you dont want people to know who you are. That makes sense. You posted all of your personal information, social security numbers, and posted pics, but we leave out a fake name. A stalker might find you. It just says "Q" (short for "q"ute) over the picture of you in a string bikini. Very smart.

Another thing i have noticed with facebook. You arent actually a student without one. I no longer have one. I am no longer a student. It was weird, at the exact moment I dissolved my account i felt that i was dissolving. My hands started disappearing. It was very much like back to the future when the dude and his family started fading because they changed the course of history.

But thats just a side point. The friending thing is the worst. First you get "poked" by "machmod arangytangertia". Um ok. You get about 500 of those a day. Then you get invited as a friend. Ok Fb protocal says you accept. I don' need no stinkin' virus from some angry pre pubescent computer geek that is upset that I didnt accept him.

The worst is when you are walking to class with a bunch of friends and about five random people say hi and invite you to drug parties. Why? Because they are your friends. Dude, (and duddetes), Im not your friend. If I knew you i would probably hate you, and enjoy ridiculing you. Leave me alone. I joined as a joke.

The there are the facebook groups. Protocal says, join them. I couldnt do it. In the beginning i didnt care, thought it was funny. But when ppl looked at me strangly for joing the collegestudentsforNambla(only kidding!) group i decided, enough was enough, and promptly turned down the "I love plastic explosives and Im a muslim airline pilot from pakistan/Terrorism rocks group".

The worst part about myspace is when you randomly click on some guy or girl. I always forget to turn down the volume. A word for the wise, always turn off the volume when in college or at work while surfing the web. I mean you click on some dude, and his "favorite music" blasts through the speakers. Click and BOOOOOM. Its never anything good or recognizable. Its some modern garabage that makes this page "cool". A cool myspace page is oxymoronic at best. After the initial palipitation, you regroup and shut it. But nooo then his 4 favorite video's start. One is pinky and the Brain, the other is his girlfriend eating ice cream, and the other two are "awesome" ben Rothlesberger clips.

Dude we dont care. In fact we all know what myspace is. A way to Hook up.

And really, people tell me they spend all day on myspace. Do they just change their templates all day. What is there to do? And the templates are horrible. Most of them make you dizzy, and you cant see anything or read staright.

A myspace page is one huge seizure.