Dentists

Let’s address the suicide myth head on. Ok maybe its not a myth, but it should be. Lets think about the horrible life of a Jewish dentist.

He wakes up in the morning, davens, sits down and eats a wonderful breakfast prepared by his say at home wife. Kisses the kids on their keppels, and goes to learn. I know, that’s terrible so far.

Then he gets in for his 10 o’clock appointment. Uch, he has to look into mouths yet again. He pulls out the wisdom teeth and yawns. He is ready to kill himself.

I mean he would much rather be unloading docks or be an accountant slaving away for one of the big four. Its more awesome to never see your family. Or perhaps he wants to work the docks?

Then as he moves the sharp edge of the tooth counter tool towards his throat he sees green.
No, not kermy hitting on miss piggy, he sees money. Its everywhere. he has 6 patients lined up. The wisdom teeth are 400 a pop. No insurance accepted. Hmm he thinks, money isnt everything. True, but then he thinks how he will leave this office at 6 and plan a vacation with his wife to the Bahamas. He just has to wait till she gets back from shopping in Soho.

Orthodontists. They have the best job known to man. Why? Its not the work they do. That’s not the funnest thing in the world. How many jobs can you mess up over and over again at, yet be given a time extension? That’s right its death row lawyers, and orthodontists. Your mouth might be wired for longer then Teddy K appealed his death sentence.

We all know how it works. You go in for an "appraisal". He fills your mouth with cement.

Lets discuss the cement. Is there no better way? Do you have to bury my taste buds so you know what my teeth look like? I was choking dude. You told me to COUGH so I could break that seal that didn’t allow me to breath. But i guess that normal. You can’t sue a dentist for THAT.

Ok so he gets the mold and tells you to leave. *ka- ching*
He tells you to come back so u can discuss a "course of action". Then you can get fitted. *ka- ching* *ka- ching*.

This is where the shady stuff begins. He tells you it should take about 4 years to fix your teeth.

4 years!!!!!!!!!!!! They build stadiums in four years! They launch rocket ships for shorter then that. What the heck takes 4 years? Ok so you get him down to 2.5. You actually negotiate how long it’s going to take to fix your teeth. That’s ridiculous. You can negotiate contracts, what time your teacher will throw a dictionary at you to wake you up, but you cant negotiate when your teeth will be fixed. Unless of course its a scam.

It made me realize that dentists and the mafia are quite similar. The mafia gets all the highway building contracts in NY, they fix the roads just so they last 2 years or so, then bam they have to fix it again. This is all to make more money. You would think that dentists, being in the health profession would never be like that. Wrong. They mess up and re-fix, mess up and re-fix. For years. They are never held responsible for this crap.

You go through your agreed and negotiated 2 years. However you never signed a contract. I mean he is a doctor for Pete’s sake. You trust him.

Anyways, three years, four years, and five years pass. Each time he had to tinker here and put a titanium wire there. Or change the thickness of the rubber bands. Never did he tell you "boy did I screw up your mouth, I need another year. Instead, he rakes in the dough. You personally financed his succos in Israel. You bought a 10 dollar esrog set on erev erev succos. In the rain.

You finish college with wires in your mouth. I cant begin to tell you how that lisp and drooling affected your social life. But that’s ok, because you are in your prime!!!!!!!! woohoo. You have the best years of your life with that sexy new smile you paid upwards of 5000 bucks for.

Then comes the fine print. The retainer. The orthodontist removes your braces and tells you somberly that although things are looking great now, after five long years, you need to wear a retainer. For the first year you have to wear it all the time, after that only at night.

No to mention the lisp gets worse. You sound like Giuliani on roids.

So basically if you dont follow that you are not responsible Mr. ortho man?

"Correct".

Well guess what. I wore them all day for 2 years. The only at night until they actually broke from over use. That’s right. But I figured I did above and beyond so my smile should be fine.

Wrong. I got them because of the stupid gap. I hated the gap. 5k for the gap to close. It did. Then after 3 months without "tainy" as i called him. It started coming back. Its not nearly as bad, but thats not the point. You wouldn’t want the hole in your ceiling to be semi closed, you would fire his tushie. Sue him. But not the ortho man. Not the ortho man.


People are scared of the dentist, and I understand that. Tooth pain is the worst pain in the world. And add the drill to the equation and we have a full blown dentophobia.

Truth be told, dentists are really nice talkative people. They will talk to you to keep your mind off the task at hand. They will distract you from all the sharp objects poking and prodding, by talking, Novocain, and that light that they shine which blinds your view. It looks like the light at the end of the tunnel with the drugs in your system.

The annoying thing is, when they work on you they love to chatter. the problem is they want you to talk back. " how is the weather celly?"

"mfaikbsd"
"yes 70 degrees is nice" (somehow they always know what you are saying... scary stuff. They might teach that in school)

This can go on for an hour, anf you just want to go to your happy place. Its hard for you too talk when you have sharp objects in your mouth. Leave me alone.

Then they get offended when you dont answer them. sheesh.

Ok so what is the happy place? Thats where you go when you are being internally tortured by the evil dentist man. You close you eyes and there you are on the beach. You are sooooooo relaxed. The sun is shining you are sitting on your beach chair talking to hot chicks. Then suddenly you get attacked by an army of fire ants! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Please unclench your Jaw and let go of my tie Mr. door"

Ok you slipped up. You relax again. I never said it was easy to do.

The best part of the visit is the fluoride treatment. They lay on a goop of whatever flavor you want. I like strawberry. I also like the drooling part. The whole thing makes me feel like a baby again.

Speaking of drooling. My favorite tool is the spit sucker. The almighty powerful spit sucker, which allows the dentist to see in your mouth.

one time a friend of mine wanted to test the spit sucker. So he started letting out allot of spit. It was making some noises, but the familiar noise held. Ok. Then he hocked the biggest loogie he could find in his freaking bowels. Uh oh, the noise stopped. He blocked the tube. How embarrassing. Then he heard a little squelch. And a pop. That’s right, the ol' spit sucker vacuumed that green loogie right up.

The worst is the end of the visit, after he tries in vain to clean your teeth, and he hands you a toothbrush. If that isn’t a hint, I dont know what is.

There are the X rays. The fish tanks, the outdated magazines, but the thing that makes it a real dentists office is that corny dentist joke sign. I’m not going to bring examples, because the jokes are even worse then mine.

Finally, there are the shingle dentists. Do me a favor, If you do have a shingle up, don’t make it a puke green, and wash it. You’re working in my mouth.