One Size Two Small... When things are just a little too tight

Why I hate Purim (themes)

2007-03-01T10:18:00.001-08:00

Why do I feel dead inside?

Hmm.

Well I was shopping, for one.

I was shopping for beer, for two.

That might sound good, but it was for, you guessed it, a Purim theme.

I’m not a hater. I understand why people do them. I don’t care that people go way overboard to show up their neighbors. I don’t care that people blow college funds and cash in 401 k's for them. I JUST DONT CARE. In fact I enjoy eating them. I don’t care that some people go out of their way to NOT make a theme. To spend money on matanos le evyonim and to make sure we damn well know it. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS NON MISHLOACH MANOS, OH AND WE GAVE YOU THIS CARD BECAUSE WE GIVE TO THE POOR, NOT TO YOUR SORRY BUTT, K ?

I don’t care that we are still doing a theme probably so the neighbors will like us. Mom, the neighbors hate us. Making a theme will not win them back. I also don’t care that we might be doing this so we can say "boy your sister did such a good job, when she starts dating I have a great shidduch for her!" I really don’t care. Good for her.

So what do I care about? I ALWAYS seem to get involved. Always.

So I need to get the beer, but not any beer, a beer that fits out theme. So I drive from store to store looking for "that" beer. Also we need to give alcohol, or cutsie little grape juice bottles, that somehow fit into the theme, so we don’t look cheap. Because if we look cheap that we look poor, and if we look poor, then people will take pity on out sorry tushies, and if they take pity they will be nice to us, and if they are nice they might invite us for MORE meals, give us their kids hand me downs, and overall not allow me to be an anti social poopy head.

Ok then I have to buy the beer. Buying beer is "cool" for some. Not for me, cause I don’t really drink. That’s why I hate Purim. If you don’t drink, Purim stinks. Yes I love Hashem so stop. Anyways, I first have to call my friends and im 4 dozen people to find out that unless there IS a ghey flavoring in it, it’s kosher. Because if it aint kosher that’s a horrific mistake. Don’t give people non kosher food. That’s REALLY REALLY REALLY bad for shidduchim.

The truth is people don’t et home baked cholov stam cholov, meat, dairy, store processed, bought from goyim, not kosher for pesach, candy or anything else, so the truth is although they will be "outraged" that its treif, everything goes in the can anyways.

This leads me to the best theme ever. Treif. That’s right. I found a cutsie bag (ill get to THOSE in a second), with happy little pigs on them. Perfect. Then I could pack a happy meal from the dollar menu. I can have little ve Na hapuch hu stickers " from the celly's". Enjoy! Ill bet most people wouldn’t even realize.

Or I could throw whatever I want. I would love to make a poem out of all the beef jerky skittles garbage I could find.

Back to the beer. So I go to pay. Yes I’m looking chunky these days, so the chunkier I get the younger I look. But I know this. I have my ID ready. I don’t want to make a scene in path mark. I also have a 4 day shadow. (Still do). Ok she first looks at the Chinese lady BEHIND me and says, are these yours? What the heck is that!!!! No I say they are mine. Here is my (pre-emptive strike) ID. Then she had a police scanner checker there. She stares at it for like 4 minutes pushing buttons waiting. I almost wanted her to arrest me. Then she calls over the supervisor. Now im angry. You might as well throw on a siren and lock down the store. The manager looks at my id and says " hmmmmmmmmm my son born in 82, you born later but you still old enough like my son" Thanks you lady, you are a genius. I hope your son is having a good time in AA. Lemme buy my cheap crappy beer. Thanks again. Toodles.

Then I leave. I pick up my sis. Out of the goodness of my heart I offer to drive her to the store where we buy the *bags* and the *ribbon* and the *crepe paper*. I said I will wait in the car while you buy the stuff. Ok. So im waiting. I get call. Celly, I need you. They ran out of bags.

Well of course we wait till the VERY last second, which is why I’m doing anything for this stupid theme in the first place. Also this store is packed with desperate themers grabbing anything they can from the shelves. So they have 5 bags left in that style. I say "take anything". She says we cant they are "ugly". Then says “I need your opinion".

Girls never ever need your opinion, they just want it so they can mock the male stupidity when it comes to such important and delicate life issues like Purim themes. So I fond parking, 3 Israeli women stole spots from me, and after much cursing, I found a spot. (I prayed they got alternate side tickets.)

Now I’m in the store. She found bags. She doesn’t like them. I looked. I chose 3 different bags. "No. No. and No" I said” I thought you wanted my opinion." She aid "if we get those bags we have to change out theme." "Ok" I say. "No" she says, “we have to think it out first.”No" I say.

And the ugly bags it was. "Celly, they ran out of the chocolate kisses we wanted". Ok, I mentally add yet another store the long list.

We made a deal. We get the ugly bags, if I draw the theme related materials on the bags. 5 of them. I am soooooooooooooo not doing it.

But I digress.

So we wait on-line for an hour, I found ribbon (I made a decision! boohoo!) Then we buy the stuff in the candy store. The candy store doesn’t quite have the candy we needed. So we have to go to the pharmacy to get the exact thing. I can’t even write about this anymore. No it’s not over yet, as we have to make the "baked good". No I am not doing that part, but why oh why must we make something???

1. No one will eat it because it will be treif. (We are using milchig utensils but parve ingredients, so don’t eat it with your chicken.)
2. No one will think we are "gishikt" if we do it.
3. No one will think we every bake ever in out home if we do it.
4. No one cares.

Then there are the poems. Thats where I am drafted every single year to put together the theme in one unit, rhyme eveything, and hnit that maybe it has something to do with purim. For example, treif = opposite of the norm = ve na hapuch hu. Usually I write 2 poems. One that is for the families eyes only, as it shows how I really feel about them. Uusally gets a chuckle.

That stopped when we printed out the wrong one and they almost got sent out. woopsie.

So basically I have to take 7 random items that really have nothing much tied to each other besides the "theme". like the year we did doodles. It was impossible to rhyme dipsey and sunny and yankee and what ever other doodles we got, and tie them into purim. But i did it. Now Im about to do it again.

My sister just informed me we got the cling wrap and baggies, I must go and put 4 Hershey kisses in a little baguette cut a little piece of ribbon, and tie them just so.

45 times.

Ouchie.

We don’t even have 45 friends.

But if we don’t make that many we will have 45 more enemies.

Gd forbid a good friend gets a repackaged one.

Gd forbid a good friend gets their own back.

We have gotten ours back before.

I didn’t care

I liked ours better

The end.

Can’t wait till Pesach.

Dentists

2006-12-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

Let’s address the suicide myth head on. Ok maybe its not a myth, but it should be. Lets think about the horrible life of a Jewish dentist.

He wakes up in the morning, davens, sits down and eats a wonderful breakfast prepared by his say at home wife. Kisses the kids on their keppels, and goes to learn. I know, that’s terrible so far.

Then he gets in for his 10 o’clock appointment. Uch, he has to look into mouths yet again. He pulls out the wisdom teeth and yawns. He is ready to kill himself.

I mean he would much rather be unloading docks or be an accountant slaving away for one of the big four. Its more awesome to never see your family. Or perhaps he wants to work the docks?

Then as he moves the sharp edge of the tooth counter tool towards his throat he sees green.
No, not kermy hitting on miss piggy, he sees money. Its everywhere. he has 6 patients lined up. The wisdom teeth are 400 a pop. No insurance accepted. Hmm he thinks, money isnt everything. True, but then he thinks how he will leave this office at 6 and plan a vacation with his wife to the Bahamas. He just has to wait till she gets back from shopping in Soho.

Orthodontists. They have the best job known to man. Why? Its not the work they do. That’s not the funnest thing in the world. How many jobs can you mess up over and over again at, yet be given a time extension? That’s right its death row lawyers, and orthodontists. Your mouth might be wired for longer then Teddy K appealed his death sentence.

We all know how it works. You go in for an "appraisal". He fills your mouth with cement.

Lets discuss the cement. Is there no better way? Do you have to bury my taste buds so you know what my teeth look like? I was choking dude. You told me to COUGH so I could break that seal that didn’t allow me to breath. But i guess that normal. You can’t sue a dentist for THAT.

Ok so he gets the mold and tells you to leave. *ka- ching*
He tells you to come back so u can discuss a "course of action". Then you can get fitted. *ka- ching* *ka- ching*.

This is where the shady stuff begins. He tells you it should take about 4 years to fix your teeth.

4 years!!!!!!!!!!!! They build stadiums in four years! They launch rocket ships for shorter then that. What the heck takes 4 years? Ok so you get him down to 2.5. You actually negotiate how long it’s going to take to fix your teeth. That’s ridiculous. You can negotiate contracts, what time your teacher will throw a dictionary at you to wake you up, but you cant negotiate when your teeth will be fixed. Unless of course its a scam.

It made me realize that dentists and the mafia are quite similar. The mafia gets all the highway building contracts in NY, they fix the roads just so they last 2 years or so, then bam they have to fix it again. This is all to make more money. You would think that dentists, being in the health profession would never be like that. Wrong. They mess up and re-fix, mess up and re-fix. For years. They are never held responsible for this crap.

You go through your agreed and negotiated 2 years. However you never signed a contract. I mean he is a doctor for Pete’s sake. You trust him.

Anyways, three years, four years, and five years pass. Each time he had to tinker here and put a titanium wire there. Or change the thickness of the rubber bands. Never did he tell you "boy did I screw up your mouth, I need another year. Instead, he rakes in the dough. You personally financed his succos in Israel. You bought a 10 dollar esrog set on erev erev succos. In the rain.

You finish college with wires in your mouth. I cant begin to tell you how that lisp and drooling affected your social life. But that’s ok, because you are in your prime!!!!!!!! woohoo. You have the best years of your life with that sexy new smile you paid upwards of 5000 bucks for.

Then comes the fine print. The retainer. The orthodontist removes your braces and tells you somberly that although things are looking great now, after five long years, you need to wear a retainer. For the first year you have to wear it all the time, after that only at night.

No to mention the lisp gets worse. You sound like Giuliani on roids.

So basically if you dont follow that you are not responsible Mr. ortho man?

"Correct".

Well guess what. I wore them all day for 2 years. The only at night until they actually broke from over use. That’s right. But I figured I did above and beyond so my smile should be fine.

Wrong. I got them because of the stupid gap. I hated the gap. 5k for the gap to close. It did. Then after 3 months without "tainy" as i called him. It started coming back. Its not nearly as bad, but thats not the point. You wouldn’t want the hole in your ceiling to be semi closed, you would fire his tushie. Sue him. But not the ortho man. Not the ortho man.

People are scared of the dentist, and I understand that. Tooth pain is the worst pain in the world. And add the drill to the equation and we have a full blown dentophobia.

Truth be told, dentists are really nice talkative people. They will talk to you to keep your mind off the task at hand. They will distract you from all the sharp objects poking and prodding, by talking, Novocain, and that light that they shine which blinds your view. It looks like the light at the end of the tunnel with the drugs in your system.

The annoying thing is, when they work on you they love to chatter. the problem is they want you to talk back. " how is the weather celly?"

"mfaikbsd"
"yes 70 degrees is nice" (somehow they always know what you are saying... scary stuff. They might teach that in school)

This can go on for an hour, anf you just want to go to your happy place. Its hard for you too talk when you have sharp objects in your mouth. Leave me alone.

Then they get offended when you dont answer them. sheesh.

Ok so what is the happy place? Thats where you go when you are being internally tortured by the evil dentist man. You close you eyes and there you are on the beach. You are sooooooo relaxed. The sun is shining you are sitting on your beach chair talking to hot chicks. Then suddenly you get attacked by an army of fire ants! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Please unclench your Jaw and let go of my tie Mr. door"

Ok you slipped up. You relax again. I never said it was easy to do.

The best part of the visit is the fluoride treatment. They lay on a goop of whatever flavor you want. I like strawberry. I also like the drooling part. The whole thing makes me feel like a baby again.

Speaking of drooling. My favorite tool is the spit sucker. The almighty powerful spit sucker, which allows the dentist to see in your mouth.

one time a friend of mine wanted to test the spit sucker. So he started letting out allot of spit. It was making some noises, but the familiar noise held. Ok. Then he hocked the biggest loogie he could find in his freaking bowels. Uh oh, the noise stopped. He blocked the tube. How embarrassing. Then he heard a little squelch. And a pop. That’s right, the ol' spit sucker vacuumed that green loogie right up.

The worst is the end of the visit, after he tries in vain to clean your teeth, and he hands you a toothbrush. If that isn’t a hint, I dont know what is.

There are the X rays. The fish tanks, the outdated magazines, but the thing that makes it a real dentists office is that corny dentist joke sign. I’m not going to bring examples, because the jokes are even worse then mine.

Finally, there are the shingle dentists. Do me a favor, If you do have a shingle up, don’t make it a puke green, and wash it. You’re working in my mouth.

A real post is coming soon.

2006-11-19T12:37:00.000-08:00

A poetic interlude

2006-11-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

One second you're light

The next its all tight

The pressure amounts

It wont give an ounce

You wonder if ever

you'll shed that tether

for good.

I needed an update. Tommorow people. I need short ventings.

Weekend trains

2006-10-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

Bing Bong.

Well Im on the train. I mapped it out perfectly. I take the F to the Q and bammo, Ill be there in 1.5 hours.

You notice that the train is smelly. Very smelly. You notice a pile of newspapers an old duffel bag, and a drunk homeless guy underneath...

Gross.

How can this happen my brothers and sisters? Oh thats right. Its the Weekend.

People say not to go to the hospitals on the weekends, because all the good staff have gone home for the weekend. Id venture to say that getting the wrong operation might be less painful then taking mass transit on the weekends.

Take a few months back. I had to take the F to the Q. Simple enough. Ok so I needed a few extra minutes to account for less trains on Sunday morning, but i should have been there in an hour anda half.

Well. Im on the F then I get on the Q. The Q train is gross. Its the weekend. So why bother cleaning up? Why bother cleaning up that pile of newspapers, the duffel bag, and the the.. smelly homeless guy underneath? Isnt Gulliani the one who started homeless pounds? Take him there!

Then you realize on top of the smell there is the no air conditioning. The "windows" on the train are open so we get the fresh subway tunnel air into the train.

Ok though . Im a tough NY'er. I am a risk taker. I peer at the door between the cars. I will ride between them. I takea deep breath, and pull the door... and pull the door... oh @#% its locked. Locked!! They never do that. The homeless guy is stirring, and he is now moving the trajectory of the smelly air into my direction. Grossness dude. Grossness.

You ignore the black spots. Here's the tentative plan B. At the next stop switch to the next car.

Ok. You get off the train. You run to the nexy train. You drop your CD player. You miss your train. UgHHHHHHHHHHHH. The next one will be here in 20 minutes.

Finally the train arrives. At the next stop the train stops. You hear that voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown come over the loud speaker. You know, the mwha wmah wmaha voice. Basically this train is stopping here. Thats not good. You have to either take the N to the z to the 1 2 or 3. Or you can take the temporary busses that will drop you an extra 15 blocls away from your destination. Grrrr.

I took the bus.

Then there was last weekend. All you needed was to take the F train straight. After your whole weekend of partying (ok fine we played with oujia board looking for ghosts) it wasnt easy to wake up at six. To reach a class by nine. But you did it.

So you are ready for your nice long ride on the F. You can fall asleep or read or do anything you want. You fall asleep. When you wake up you see a weird stop. Where the F are you? The train stops. You hear the anouncement. "The F train, due to construction will reroute and go to Euclid ave." If you were smart you would swit to the G on Hoyt which is doing the F trains run. Um ok.
That makes a lot of sense. The g can do the F's run, but the F cant switch tracks.

Bing bong. you of course hear the message but it doesnt really register. You do notice the once crowded train is empty. There is the one black dude. You are so lost you have 2 options. Both make you look like an out of towner. One makes you look like a nerdy out of towner.

Instead of lookinjg at the map you ask the black guy. These guys know the trains backwards and fowards.

"Hey dude, I need to get the ________ ave. Where are we and how do I get there?" So he says, let me show you on the map."
Great. Now you are the Nerd of the Herd Out of towner from the Hicks. Or even worse, Europe.

He points to the tippy top of brooklyn. "You are here." (Jeez ). He points to the lower part of brooklyn. "You should be there."

Take this train back to [he points] hoyt"." Oh hehe hoyt for the G right?"

Well you have 10 minutes to get to class. Its at least a half hour on the train back.
By some miracle you see an express A across the tracks. You run over the the conducters wondow not caring that ONLY blind, retarted, or sick people ever ask for help from the conducter. That includes murder. But you are so giddy that youll get the Hoyt faster you shout to him over the noise: does this go to Hoyt bro?"

You pause. You could have sworn you heard your voice over the... oh no. He was making his anouncement. It was clear as a bell. So was your dumb question. You apologize. He waves u in the car. Now EVERYONE on the train knows what a dumb dumb you are. You slept through Hoyt, and now u ended up at Euclid. Moron.

Well the train is moving. You hear keys jingling, and the conducter gets out of his little tiny room and comes over to you. Of course you ignore him. He says " here lemme show you on the map."

You pinch you little butt cheek to wake u, but no its really happening.

You finally get the G which comes after about 30 minutes. Game over.

The way back wasnt much better. "You took a shortcut" The D. You run for the D train. You wait for it. And wait for it, and wait for it. You get upset and start readin random signs. The one behind you says " No D train here today due to platform construction." Oh &*&^.

WHAT CONSTRUCTION!!??. The rats are hired by the city to fix the rails?!?

You are hot, sweaty and disgusted. You take the N. Local. Local is a dirty word. It means every 3 minutes is another dumb stop with a dumb name. You switch for the D after 45 minutes.

Ok you are almost home! woohoo. & hours on the train seems ok.

But you wait for theF. And wait, and wait.

While you wait there is a band playing some horible song. The lead singer gives you a hard stare. You hug the platform beam tight. You give him a dollar.

More and more people come. They wan the F too. You contemplate riding on the door. Its gonna be comfortable.

It wouldve been. Thats fo shizzle.

I will finish that story... later.

2006-10-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

Some random thoughts for the New Year.

1. When you flush a toilet, dont just flush and walk away. You might end up coming back three or four times because the water looks like Pi$$. Yes, brown water. No im not a racist. I like my water clear. thanks.

2. Dont question someone who wants you to take them to the bathroom. Ever. You might end up in spongebob boxers with a huge stinky mess.

3. Dont sing songs that have been "created" in the last 5 years during kedusha, hallel, and the like. Especially English songs. They dont inspire, just annoy the heck out of us lowly yeshiva guys. Yes, that includes mama rochel and the like.
4. If I hear one more time that girls are not superficial I will throw up.

5. To impress a girl, a guy must sing really loud, make all kinds of funny animal noises, and become an all out fool. One suit, a scruffy beard, and a couple of ties do the trick.

6. For a girl to impress a guy she must change her clothes 19 times a day. She must iron or gel her hair for 24 hours before meeting them, and she has to have an "outfit" for every situation. That includes sweats for "casual" bus time.

7. In certain circles girls do not wear shabbos robes. I know. Crazy stuff.

8. If I ever hear that all girls do not think about marriage all the time from conception, I will also throw up. Please give some examples of what else they might discuss. Thanks.

9. Just because they are mentally ill, does not mean they dont enjoy, Cold soda. Cold DIET soda, food that is enough to go around, food in general.

10. Never, Never, eat yellow snow.

I will return with more. I almost forgot about this baby.

The oven is not a storage closet

2006-09-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

The oven/ dishwasher is not a place to store anything. You might think thats self explanatory. Not everywhere. I might not have the time or ideas to blog about, but i can help out the masses a little.

Some people want to hide food. I hide food. Dont want the sibs stealing my yummy food. The trick is to remember where the food is. I cant tell you how many green cheese danishes i have found while cleaning out the garage. The worst part is that the fudgie cookies look as fresh as the day you bought em. The worseter part is that I always consider eating it. Ya know, chuck it into the microwave. Ill eat anything nuked. The worsterer part is when i consider eating the moldy oldy cheeses danish. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

But I digress.

So lets say your hubby is on a no salt, no cheese, no cake. no sweets, no happpines diet. Yet you still need to feed the kiddies their snacks. You are a good mommy and you dont give your kids the pear with the soft spot, and a tuna sandwich on whole wheat bread. Oh dont forget the non yo-crunch yogurt. You want your kid to have the ability to trade his gushers for a ring ding. You are a compassionate mom.

But I digress.

So you decide hmmm i have to hide the sweets somewhere. But where? Where can I hide the snacks where hubby would never ever look??? Somewhere that is easily accessible to me? So you think of all the places (oven, washing machine, his chossen shas) then BINGO you decide the dishwasher is the very best place for them.

Ok. Not bad in theory. In fact you have three of them. You never use the Parave one anyways. The one or two times you do use your parave dishes, you have your kid wash them by (gasp) hand.

And by the way, if your hubby is on such a diet, he is desperatly hungry. If he doesnt inhale his supper of a fig and that salad with no dressing, he ate at wolf and lamb with a client during lunch. Chances are he didn't make out to well. He was to busy making up for lost time.

But I digress.

Oh and one more thing. If hubby didnt cheat, chances are he will destroy the house looking for the "stash". Its like a junkie who needs his fix. HE WILL FIND IT.

Digressing again aint I?

Well back to your original hiding spot. Just as the fridge is NOT a good hiding spot for hide and seek (scary though actually), the dishwasher is not such a great place for m n m's and ring dings.

Why? Heated dry. For those men who are still men and dont know about such things, most people set their dish washer for heated dry.

OK celly, why is that a bad thing? Well you have to factor in kids. Kids like touching things. They have a special 6th sense of destruction. They will start a load in your parave dishwasher. That will do a wonderful job on your snakies. Melted candy. Melted flimsy plastic wrappers. And unless you have a stainless stell job, you better get your self a new one. Microwaves are cheaper. Keep it in there. (though he prob has a remote and a food chute connected to it because that is how real men cook.) Just admit that it was a moronic idea in the first place.

But thats not the worst thing thing possible.

To be continued...

I just did this meme but...

2006-08-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

For Limey. Im a bit busier now but here goes:

Favorite room in the house:

Bathroom

What my throne will resemble when i build a castle:

A toilet

What my house must have no matter how small:

Two bathrooms

What annoys me most:

1)When announcers on the radio say the sponser is "coke" with that spit filled second "ka" sound"

2) When my father makes the kissing sound with his tzizsis withthe tips of his lips

What I feel bad about

When I got teary eyed at the end of elf. (santa claus is comin' to tooooooooooown)

Favorite veggie:

Anything covered in ranch dressing

Favorite fruit:

1)Richard simmons

2) Pinapples

3) mango's

Most annoying thing about my favorite fruit

1) everything

2) If you eat them for 25 days straight you get major sores, and your toungue swells up, and you sound funny when you talk,

3) really hard to cut. Slippery little critters. Sticky. More on the floor after Im done cutting them. I need a shower just thinking about that.

My opinion on whether guys have best friends:

See first favorite fruit

Liberal or conservative

a Conny, cause she plays piano (im hilarious)

What I majored in:

Not psych

Why majoring not in psych is dumb:

Every hot chick takes it.

Favorite actor:

Whoopi. (i couldnt think of one offhand, and she needs the fans)

Favorite Movie food if i went:

Rolo's

Favorite candy bar from 98-99

Skor

Candy bar I always hated

Baby ruth bars

Im a sports fan of :

Yanks
knicks
Jets
Rangers

Im a sports fan because:

The same reason im an alcoholic

peer pressure

Why being a sports fan is stupid:

Its a waste of time

Why i dont care that sports is a waste of time:

I would have to find a harder way to procrastinate

Favorite Jello:

I think I officially dont like it: But red is cool. eww

A new annoying thing that just popped up:

when your mother takes your cell because she refuses to get one on principle, then your friends hate you because you dont answer the calls.

A short baby rant for ski mom

2006-08-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

Babies. According to a loved one they are a parasites. Think about it. First they make you throw up, make you carry them around. Suck all your nutrients, and make you feel woozy and sick all the time. Then after birth they cry (we will get back to that), not stam ( shout out?) crying, but a full blown out cry. I cant cry like that at 3 am. In fact i cant speak at three am. I just grunt. Learn to talk you little parasitic plum.

Ok then they get older, and you are buying diapers, paying tuitions, toilet training them. Feeding them more.

They become teenagers and dont appreciate anything. They scream, yell, say they hate you,and thats after all your hard work. Then they cry at your auf ruf how much they love you. If your lucky. boohoo.

Then you get old(IMH) and need help(CV) and they dump you in some home(CV) while they count YOUR money. Waiting till they day they can divvy it up.

Then there is the concept of crying. Babies will wake up every thirty two seconds and cry. The very second your head hits the pillow: waaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh shut up already you guiltily think. Then you march over to the baby, think about getting the duct tape, and you sing the baby to sleep. Of course you dont have the nursing advantage if your a guy. When the baby sees you they cry even more. Unless you are overly heavy and you have similar anatomy.

Babies are like parrots, they never perform when you want them to. I mean you teach the kid so many tricks, to walk, talk, poop green and yellow, then you ask the little, 4 month old ingrate to do one trick and he goes to sleep. awwwwwwwwww is the liddle baby sweeeeping? WAKE UP I NEED TO SHOW YOU OFF YOU LITTLE MUSH. NO CHOCO MILK BABA FOR YOU! you think. The you glumly say " yeah sleep, wtvr"

Of course you know that night he will keep you up. What are a teenager already? WAKE UP!

And its not just at home, i saw at least 5 sleeping babies at this wedding i went to. The music was so loud. Boom Boom Boom. Yet the babies were just sleeping away. I guess they had a little bartenura.

ok im done.

Myspace/ facebook

2006-08-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

Just in case you need a backround..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myspace

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facebook

Its a new technology age. These days you dont exist with out a myspace account.

You have choose your myspace name carefully. It might turn into your real one.

Dont go with zanadu lover 666 as a joke, because thats how they will call up your child at his bar mitzva.
Of course your children can change their own birth myspace name later in life.

Oh and for Petes sake dude, dont go with one letter. This is not sesame street. Oh i know, you dont want people to know who you are. That makes sense. You posted all of your personal information, social security numbers, and posted pics, but we leave out a fake name. A stalker might find you. It just says "Q" (short for "q"ute) over the picture of you in a string bikini. Very smart.

Another thing i have noticed with facebook. You arent actually a student without one. I no longer have one. I am no longer a student. It was weird, at the exact moment I dissolved my account i felt that i was dissolving. My hands started disappearing. It was very much like back to the future when the dude and his family started fading because they changed the course of history.

But thats just a side point. The friending thing is the worst. First you get "poked" by "machmod arangytangertia". Um ok. You get about 500 of those a day. Then you get invited as a friend. Ok Fb protocal says you accept. I don' need no stinkin' virus from some angry pre pubescent computer geek that is upset that I didnt accept him.

The worst is when you are walking to class with a bunch of friends and about five random people say hi and invite you to drug parties. Why? Because they are your friends. Dude, (and duddetes), Im not your friend. If I knew you i would probably hate you, and enjoy ridiculing you. Leave me alone. I joined as a joke.

The there are the facebook groups. Protocal says, join them. I couldnt do it. In the beginning i didnt care, thought it was funny. But when ppl looked at me strangly for joing the collegestudentsforNambla(only kidding!) group i decided, enough was enough, and promptly turned down the "I love plastic explosives and Im a muslim airline pilot from pakistan/Terrorism rocks group".

The worst part about myspace is when you randomly click on some guy or girl. I always forget to turn down the volume. A word for the wise, always turn off the volume when in college or at work while surfing the web. I mean you click on some dude, and his "favorite music" blasts through the speakers. Click and BOOOOOM. Its never anything good or recognizable. Its some modern garabage that makes this page "cool". A cool myspace page is oxymoronic at best. After the initial palipitation, you regroup and shut it. But nooo then his 4 favorite video's start. One is pinky and the Brain, the other is his girlfriend eating ice cream, and the other two are "awesome" ben Rothlesberger clips.

Dude we dont care. In fact we all know what myspace is. A way to Hook up.

And really, people tell me they spend all day on myspace. Do they just change their templates all day. What is there to do? And the templates are horrible. Most of them make you dizzy, and you cant see anything or read staright.

A myspace page is one huge seizure.

Not posting EDIT: OK MAYBE JUST ONE iM PATHEITC I KNOW

2006-08-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

ok im pathetic.
But I leave another copout video for ya'all. My favorite Comedian.

If you can hear this one its awesome

COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

oh and for you know who...

REM

AND MY PERSONAL FAVE

The Very Best Place For A Penny

2006-08-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

I came across this book in the ezras nashim this morning. Dont ask me what I was doing up there, or what I was doing reading kids books, I just was.

Anyways The very best place for a penny looked cute. I was tired and I had some time till They caught up to me in shul, so I read it.

I should've known what was coming. I figured it out in the middle.

But lets reset. First you have a penny. The penny was telling the story. Thats ridiculous in itself. Pennys dont talk children. I know I know money talks. Guess what. Its an inanimate object. It doesnt talk or have feelings children. Plus its hardly money. But we will get to that.

The next annoying thing was the Penny was large. It was about 3 feet tall. Thats just stupid. Pennies arent three feet tall.

Ok fine if you want the penny to be three feet tall then at least be consistent. Cause that poor penny. First the boy put him in his pocket. His friggen pocket. So now we have giant boy with giant pocket. Oh but the poor penny was slightly constricted in the pocket. Poor penny.

Not. That spoiled copper coated ingrate. He has to share a pocket. BooHoo. Another great lesson for the kid. Im sure you will be so happy when little snot nose says he needs his own room because sharing his sleeping back with his 4 brothers is too constricting.

He should have said " wow its warm in here. I love it. I dont mind the thread, the keys, the pocket knife, and the whippets."

The penny was also wearing a stupid green checkered, like the ones those boys who swept chimeneys in London wore. It is supposed to invoke sympathy for the dumb penny. I dont feel for oliver twist, or a penny with a green hat. The hat was staying on despite the fact that it has a narrow penny head wit ha presumable narrow penny brain.

Then he gets thrown in the wash and complains that he got wet. Oh boo hoo. You got cleaned. The 43 years of dirt you accumulated while you were in circulation is gone. No more snot, dirt disease, and cholera on your body. Oh and another thing, if this penny is alive he should be an older penny. Draw in some wrinkles so ur kids can repect elders and money all at once.

He gets thown in the dryer then under the bed. Thats were the ball talks to him.

First of all Mr penny looks so dumb in the picture. His feet (feet) are sticking out and his dopey hat is also. Thats right he is three feet tall again. He doesnt like it under there. Boo hoo.

Ok so what happens? WELL A REAL LIVE HUMAN BOY that doesnt talk puts him in the pushka with the hugest opening ever. The hole for it was prob a foot wide. I guess its an angular thing. Anyways that pi$$ed me off. Ok so we teach kids that the best place for a penny is the pushka. Ok. Thats cute.

Well guess what. Thats my policy too. Pennies are no longer money. I once counted out 150 pennies because they wouldnt take a check at the pizza shop and I had no cash. I got the dirtiest look. Pennies are good if you want to be heard. You Jingle and jangle em around.

You can use them while hula hooping.

You can even eat them. Its like drinking alot of water and jump roping afterwards but instead of the sloshing wurble wurble sounnd of the washing machine, you sound like an old lady hitting the jackpot at Atlantic city.

Pennies are for stores to keep things under the dollar mark. The soda is only 98 cents. Buy soap for $4.99. Buy a car for 18,978 and 87 cents. Its ridiculous. Soda is a buck. I know it. Id pay more not to get the pennies.

It happens all the time. "Keep the change."
"Are you insulting my intelligence?"
"No, what am i gonna do with all those pennies?"
"Give it to the bagger dude"
"ok"
Bagger dude: thows it right back at me and demands 3 bucks due to inflation

Then there are the people with steel pennies. My lil bro was so excited. "Its worth something"
"No its not, in fact its probably more annoying to people because it doesnt jangle as well."
"But they are rare"
"They are only rare from before the times of Lincoln, no one cares about you 1942 penny"
"Its gotta be worth more then a cent"
"woopdie doo"

( i just looked it up. The ratty ones are 10 to 20 cents! woohoo. You rich bro. The good looking ones 10 - 20 bucks and the really good looking ones never breathed any air or been touched, are 70 bucks)

You can also save pennies. My grandparents did that for years. (Like 50) and saved like 100 bucks. I bet you they bought lotto tickets with the money. Its just ridiculous. They get everywhere. Pennies are the roaches of coins. They used to buy you a choclate soda and a model T, now they get you.... Nothing.

That brings me back to the pushka guy. He comes to our house to take the money out of out pushka. Ok imn ot saying we dont give tzedaka but the pushka is not where we put the bigger bills, or coins.

The poor dude has to count out like 200 pennies, load it into the penny sack, which is bulging from the other 4 families he went to, and give a receipt. Its really embarrasing.

But hey the book said that the pushka is the very best place for a penny.

How else can we get rid of em?

(I am a big proponent of thanking hashem for every penny that i get, Hashem i was joking, poseach as yadecha etc. I dont need him teaching me a lesson bc of a blog post.)

One more thought.

2006-08-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yes I read the last post and realize its not very good, and that my blog is really a place to kick back and lighten up. However on Tisha Baav I feel that i can be slightly more serious.

(Yes I did study today)

We are always looking to help people. Like that boy who runs around looking for a mitzva, yet knocks over an old lady and all her groceries in the process. He wants to stop, but he must "find" a mitzva.

The bais was destroyed because Jews cant get along. We couldnt get along then, and its pretty bad now. There are so many sects of judiasm its dizzying. Each sect has misconceptions about the other which leads to spite and a lack of achdus.

I try and not think about the big picture all the time. (unless it involves studying)
Just be nice.

The easiest thing you can do is smile. When you see someone you know smile at that person when you greet them. You have no idea the wonderful effect that has on a person. So many people are upset and stressed, but if you smile it eases the pain ever so slightly.

If there is someone you are having a fight with make up. I know its not so simple. These fights are usually years long, where the original reason you fought is long forgotten. And yes the other person was wrong. In fact, if you make up you might have to admit to that. Suck it up. Yes, there are some people that are not worth being friends with. You dont need to be friends. You dont need to be weird about making up. You can just admit the wrong. Who cares? Is your ego that big? Im sure you were wrong many times as well.

Finally, i beseech you to try and treat your parents and siblings as you would a stranger. With respect. This might be the hardest one of all. You do so much for them, but much of it goes unappreciated. Its very hard when they dont want to help you, or get nasty. Then you get angry, yell, and gain nothing.

Think about what your parents have done for you, all the bills they have paid, and all the protection and love they have provided for you. Think about those without parents. Think.

Sibs are tough as well. Older siblings boss you around and younger sibs seem to do nothing. Its so easy to let your frustrations out on them. In fact they do it to you as well. Suck it up. Its so easy to have "the fight". I have seen siblings when they get older have no relationship. You wouldnt even know that they grew up with each other and shared the same room. Its heartbreaking, and many times unresolvable later in life. That split second decision on your part to "suck it up" or at the very least to make up soon after might save you many years of heartbreak.

Something that helps me when confonted with an angry beliigerent person is to wonder what kind of day they had. I understand that little things do not bother people as much after they come back from the spa. Think about when your upset, and you blow off steam. that next perosn that crosses you path is toast. We dont even mean half the things we say or do out of anger.

Im only talking to myself.

A Tisha Baav Public Service announcement

2006-08-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Just want to quckly wish everyone an easy and meaningful fast.

Remember that on erev yom kippur and erev Tisha Baav G-d will test your patience.

Something will set you off, and its your resposibility to overcome it.

I already failed. Its hot so I get a pass.

Its ok to cry on Tisha Baav, some of the kinnos are remarkable. The blood that flowed through the streets during the time of the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash was incredible.

I always get chills when i read through the 10 Geddolim that were killed.

Tommorow is a day that we mourn not only for the Mikdash, but for all the tragic happenings that the Jewish people experienced.

For the family I will never have because of the holocaust, and for the Jews who are suffering in hospitals (lo aleinu), and we daven for a refuah shelaima. We daven for the souls that now more then ever have been taken from us over the past years, and hope that they are praying for us as well.

We think of the Jews that waited on line for the gas chambers while singing that haunting tune of Ani Maamin.

Yes its hard to cry for something that happened many many years ago, but dont give hashem the excuse to wake us up and give us more to cry about.

Last year when jewish soldiers were turned against their bretheren we had a wake up call. A friend of mine who went there during that period will not even talk about the events that transpired. He saw the female soldiers drop their guns and cry. They cried on Tishaa Baav. Religious and Not religious alike share in the tragedies that befall our nation.

This year they face great danger, on the most dangerous and sorrowful day of the year.

Be safe, Be healthy, and may we see Moshiach and the third Beis Hamikdash.

(ill post some crazy stories after bc they might be funny and we dont want to much laughter right now.)

A fresh thought

2006-07-31T11:41:00.000-07:00

Some one sent me a picture text this morning that got me thinking.

It was titled: "I need fresh rolls"

The person in the picture was a holding a roll of toilet paper.

Well this same person taught me many valuable lessons. One is how to tavel on the train with shilshul.

It always happens at the wrong time. You swipe your metro card you get on the train, and then you hear the *ding dong* of the train and as the doors are closing you hear it. *Rumble*. Well the train makes that sound when it starts moving. Then you feel it. You actually feel the rumble. Ok, i must be Hungry. My tummy rumbled. Cute.

Then you pat it. Just to reassure that you will fill it later.
Big mistake.
Without that pat you might have made it. Now you will make it. In your pants. Thats right, that little touch to the food satchel cascaded a massive avalanche internally. You think. " White noise". That means your brain is adapting to this develping situation. It must do so quickly.

You cant appreciate how many little bumps and jerks occur on the subway until you have to go. So at this point you hold your legs together warp your arms around them in a fetal position, and pretend youre praying.

You would pray, but you cant. You have to start strategizing. So far the train hasnt stopped yet. Will you make it when the train pulls out of the next stop? You need more energy for that.

The rumbling is in full force and your tummy at this point is liquified. And it kiiiiils. Jabs of protest are coming out of you. You are not gonna make it. So you think. Ok im coming to 34th. There is macys. I have to walk up three flights of subway stairs 2 blocks to uptown to 7th avenue, make my way through a sea of people in the store, ask for the key, lay out toilet paper, (thats just gravy) (haha). Or you can stick it out.

You stick it out.

Now you are at Lex and 63rd. You have no idea whats near there. You know there are for sure places you can go, like your former place of employment or your ex-girlfriends place, but you would really rather wear a diaper then do that.

The train jerks to one of those unknown stops. Yee hee! you shout in the michael Jackson voice. You hope everything stayed wehere it should.

Ok now you are headed home. You need something to concentrate. You think about what caused this. You think back to that morning at the bagel store.

flashback

You walked into the store. There was a long line. Your bus is coming in two minutes. Great. Well it gives you time to plan the meal. Tuna everything bagel. Lightly toasted. Powerade on the side.

U get to the front. " what would you like?" Through the stained and dirty glass window you look at the spreads. The tuna is orange. You wonder of thats that normal color. Oh wait. Someone else ordered tuna he is scooping it out. Or at least trying too. As he hocks at it you hear the *ting ting* while he labors to get the tuna out. But you really want tuna. "I need the chisel!" you hear him say. Ok Plan B.

The pasta salad has olives in it. Green ones. You kinda like tha. You had never seen that before here. You ask for the pasta salad awith the olives. The guy gives you a quizzical look. Who puts olives in pasta salad he asks?

Ok plan C.

The egg salad is also orange.And crumbly. And there are shells in it. But shells are ok i guess. You hoe thats not white fuzz. White fuzz is worse then olives.And hey, maybe orange is the color they use to keep bugs out. The pesticides. Plus the inside looks yellow. You ask for egg salad. Scooped from the inside. With tomatoes. The red ones.

You look at your belly. Yup he wants more. "And give me a cookie, no two, yeah those on the left, 4 crouusants, a cheese danish, a coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.". Oh yah the powerade, OJ and snapple are all mine. MMMMiiiiiine ahahahahaha". You slow yourself down. The crazed look is back. You need to pretend its for the whole office.

Ok at this point you miss your bus. So you start on the bagel with cream cheese. They put way to much of it on. There are 4 inches of bagel and six of cream cheese. No thanks. U spoon it off.

U try to spoon it off. The guy had a huge backside. You slipped. It might still be there.

Anyways. You eat and eat, and after the OJ you are ready to catch the 11:30 bus. The cream cheese was yellow too.

Later even though you were slightly ill you had the egg salad sandwich. You dont even like egg salad. Unless its cholent aggs. Its also orange. You are feeling brave. Your co workers are screaming "go go go go go celly go celly go go". Ok those are the voices in your head. But you eat it.

You are almost home. Sweating, and you have lost all circulation and feeling in your legs and other places. But you made it.

Uh oh

During this flashback you were spacing out.
" You shouldnt be looking at my girls friend punk"

He lifts you up ever so slightly by your shirt.

He screams and backs off.

Shouldn't of had that egg salad.

Oh and for all those who want to know...

My meme

2006-07-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ill try to be serious for some.

Who is the most annoying person ever?
Ski mom

Who annoyed me to MeMe?
Ski m

Things I want to do before dying

Be learned
Help and accomplish for people
get attention
get 14000 people to visit my blog
Speak publicly
make people laugh, not just by posting a picture
Be happy all the time
Accomplish what I have set out to do

Foods I DONT like (the alternative would take all year)
Jello ( i think i might like that by now)
fudge
peppers
crunchy onions

Favorite form of excercise:
none
biking

I hope to be:
An ESPN analyst
from my couch
I get to anylize the analysts from my leather couch

Or a taste tester

If i could have one superpower:

It used to be x-ray vision and being invisible but im not a stalker anymore

I guess it would be the more bad food I eat the healthier I get. Nice!

People I look up too

Parents
Good friends
People who work hard , in learning and other areas
Rabbeim and Gedolim
People over 5' 3"

If i could meet anyone:
1) R asher Fruend
2) Rachel Mcadams (;
3) Vilna Goan
4) The Besht

Things I cant do
boy Im pretty perfect but,

Fix things.
Kata in karate
eat two pizza pies in less then 3 minutes
touch my nose with my toungue
see my toes when i look down

What attracted me to my Husband:
Hotness
Cute tushie that defies gravity
cries at lame-o movies like the notebook
Is rich
wined and dined me
gave me a huge diamond

Things I want in a mate
No way dude.

Things I like

e-mails from ppl that dont comment on my blog
attention
Doing well on my tests
not procrastiating
being healthy
laughing
making others happy

Favorite books

I read mainstream pretty much, but i love Stephen King

I guess Insomnia or The Stand

Favorite Movies
Vus is dus?

But if i did watch Movies thats a toughie

The game
The Truman Show
The 5 people you meet in heaven
Others that I cant say (;

Things I say too often:
Im fat
Im stupid
Im a moron
sheesh
Woot
No
Do I look like Im under 21?
I didnt mean it that way

Favorite Sweets:
Candy corn

Favorite Cake
Napoleans or 7 layer white cake

Favorite cookies

BLACK AND WHITE

Places I get lucky at

Nordstroms rack
Belmont (not)
Sco.. jk

My favorite Jam
strawberry
apricot

My favorite pesach food

Matza Brei

My favorite shabbos food
Eggs in the cholent

I will walk down to:

walking to not sure yet

under the chuppa: Either mehairah or the other one from aish

most embarrasing moment as a kid

(that i can mention)
I was the pitcher for little league and threw a pitch over the backstop

Worst little league moment:
When the parents called me rabbit ears after they made me throw that dumb pitch (se stunk)

Favorite Comedian: Brian regan

Favorite Band: Guns N Roses or Metalicca for that type of stuff
Favorite Ghey song: Drops of Jupiter
Favorite Jewish Singer: Shlomo Simcha
Favorite Jewish song: Memories
Best Sfirah artist: Lev Tohar
Favorite Non Jewish Song: not even fair.

Closet fan of:
YESHIVA BOYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Weirdest thing you ever did:

I stuck plungers to the doors (they looked like im not gonna say but it was funny)

ok Im done for now.

Its not Poop.

2006-07-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

I just want the good animal lovers out there to know that

Its not poop.

When an animal feels the need to relieve itself: its not poop.

Lets examine birds.

Birds are carefree, light, and some are yummy.

But guess what. The stuff that comes out of them. Is not poop.

I dont care if its white and doesnt look to bad. I dont care if it doesnt smell bad. Its not poop.

Poop denotes a better more worldy type of creation. Something you put on top of a banana split. Yeah, "can i get some poop on this sucker please?" Think of the alternative.

I am not crude enough to say it.

I once bought a brand new shirt. I was very happy with it. It was 40 dollars. It had a little horsey on it. The horsey was white. That made it cooler. Because you are wearing it but you arent.

Anyways, Im on my way to class, and i feel plip plip. 2 plips. Plips can be a bad sound.

First you check for all credit cards and licenses. Then you do the head pat. Ok nothing sticky. You think: maybe it was just rain. But no. You look down, and you see what looks like Guacamole on your shirt.

It wasnt poop. I was mad. Real mad. I wanted to hunt for quail. My beautiful shirt.

It made a you know what on it. I ran to the bathroom. The bathrooms in school are nasty. The mens bathrooms are nastier. I always wonder what womens bathrooms look like. I once used the womens bathroom in Canon Mountain, New hampshire. I got a strange look. It was glorious . I did wonder where the urinals were though.

Anyways. I turn on the water. Trickle trickle. Of course there is no paper towel to be seen. Just those stupid blowers. That blow cold air. They save u from aids. Can't they just tell us they are too save fricken money? So you go into the stall to grab some toilet paper. The half ply, see through, you better triple me up, kind. But the stupid roller thingy is of course 2 pieces at a time. *Pull* rip *pull* rip. argh!!

Five minutes later i had enough. Class was in 5 minutes and the green mess was getting dry. I was so mad. Girls do not dig bird "Mmpgh" stains or Guacamole. I was so gonna show it off. (i know hashem works in mysterious ways).

Anyways i re-trickle the sink and the toilet paper disintegrates. Oh great. I used it to no avail.
I went to class. I felt as if an elephant went on my shirt. I set in the back back of the lecture hall. Capacity was 250. There were 40 ppl there.

Gary Larson was correct this is how they see the world.

Where was I. Oh yes. I brought the shirt into the cleaners. He thought it was a food stain. He tried to get it out with his fingernail. Grossness. I didnt say a word. He said it would come out. It didnt. I hope he licked it too. I still wear it. They look like cig burns now.. Yay.

Of course bird lovers dont know this. Its always. Awwww did u poopie on the cagie? Did u poopie on the floorie. Did you poppie in the food it *continues mixing*. Its disgusting. A new word is in order. How about. Sfachenhaftel. did u Sfachenhaftel on the floor. Gross!!!!!!!!!! Ok im trying too hard.

Anyways its not just birds. Dogs have pooper scoopers. huh?? That looks pretty close to what I do. (Pun intended). Do we go to the pooper room? Do we sit and poop? I dont think so. In fact an alternate word is one of the 7 dirty words prohibited by the FCC. Not so glam. So why do dogs have a pooper scooper? It would make my life easier. Ill go where I am and scoop it. With a bag.

Oh and how do dog owners take a plastic baggie and invert it. Then pick up that stuff. Do you think there are no holes in the bag at all. Little ones but still big enough for me. Two layers of latex gloves and a blindfold. I dont care how cute the tush it comes from looks like. If a person with a cute tush did that u wouldnt baggie that, so if it has a furry tail it makes it all better?

The of course there are bunnies. Those litte round things. They look like little candies. You roll em around and they make that marbley sound. awwww. soo cute. The rabbits stuff isnt even poop. its just "droppings". Rabbit "Leket". It just gets left behind for others to take. Im waiting for the Jewish companies to bag it and sell them as multi vitamins. Lemme see the composition of these droppings. I guess since they are droppings you just wash them off in the sink. Inside are little diamonds.

FYI: When it comes to animal fertilizers, the best readily-available fertilizer is rabbit droppings. Rabbit droppings have the highest nitrogen content of any of the commonly available barnyard manures, such as cow, horse, pig, etc. Rabbit droppings are small, compact, and nearly odorless. One organic gardener described them as “miniature, time-released, fertilizer capsules.” If you raise rabbits, or know someone who does, you’ll have a source of one of nature’s best natural fertilizers.

We have our rabbit friends living atop our earthworm compost pit. Rabbit droppings can also be called “earthworm caviar.”

The fertilizer provided by our earthworm compost pit is about the best you could find anywhere, and it’s “free.”

Sorry, not droppings, Caviar.
I cant believe i just wrote this. Im not even reading it. *Post*

edited for Henri's comment.

Squishy Squishy

2006-07-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

It aint my style to type anything personal, or to use proper grammer, or to edit my posts, but Ill try and open up my world to you just a little.

Well If anyone lives on the East Coast around NYC they might have heard /seen the rain last night. I did too. woopie.

Well I decided to get off my lazy tush the other night and go biking. The heat had been sweltering, but the wind was picking up a little so i felt it would be a good ride.

So the sun set, the winds were whipping, I was listening to the Yankees, and rip roaring to ride.

The first rule of anything good is not to jinx it. Never say "Boy what a great day this is". Say "boy what a great day this was", because if you are in the midst of that day, you jinxed it.

Anyways, as I was riding it was really nice and smooth. I decided too take a route that I normally do during the day, because there is less lighting, and I would have to bypass a part of it. But it was so nice out, and this way is so much nicer, I decided to go for it.

Ok.

So far so good.

Well Im riding ladedadodeedoo and i see the most unbelievable flashes of lightning. Really cool. I was right by the water and I saw some great water movement. I heard the wonderful rumble of lightning in the far distance. It was great.

At that point the Yanks just came back to tie the game in semi dramatic fashion and I was pumped.

Then it happened. "Boy this is the bestest ride ever" I thought.

Stupid Celly, Optimism is for kids.

So after they tied it, the yankee guy says thats its raining in the Bronx. Still for some reason, even though I was pretty close to the Bronx at this point, I was convinced that I would be fine. I would make it.

Then he said "wow this is not just rain, this is a monster storm."

Uh Oh.
Stupid Celly
Well I braced myself. I saw the most beautiful and craziest lightning.It illuminated the Bridge and it was a sight to see.

Then out of no where. Crash Boom Bah. No, I didnt fall off my bike and cause a crater, i heard LOUD LOUD crashes of thunder. I jumped out of my skin until i remembered that the angels needed to use the can too. But sheesh.

Ok so then It happened. You can not imagine how big and fat these drops were. They felt like hail. Plip Plap Pliap Plap. I was soaked in 10 seconds.

Oh boy how great.

So then i started singing in the rain. That was dumb. Note to self: when riding in between the raindrops concentrate on keeping control of your bike. Dont sing Mama Rochel off key next time.

Well its coming down now, but nooooooooo, hashem reeeeeeeeally wanted to sprinkle that Bracha (which it is btw I dont want to get hashem angry at me) because between the wind and the rain, the cars were rockin, and the car alarms were going off. I couldnt see. So at that moment I decided to invent windshield wipers for the eyes. Then I wondered why humans havent evolved those. We need them, trust me. I was moving at 2 miles an hour against the wind and the rain.

At this point I thought this is it. Celly is stuck. I would whip out cellys cell and call for help. However it was raining so hard was afaid to take it out of my pocket. Onwards.

Oh and dont ever do this, Im just crazy.

Well of course as i was trudging along I see a cop car in the middle of the road. So i went around it. Note to self: If there is a cop car in the Middle horizontally in the road while there is a storm going in, dont go around it.

Well I kinda saw the yellow tape and all before the cop car, but i did not need a detour. Really. So i inched on. Then behind me I heard the skuaeeeeeeeeeek of those cop car brakes, then woiooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooo. Again my heart palpitated. That was so not cool of them at all. They were laughing at me. I must have looked like a wet paper bag on acid. Anyways I turned around and detoured 11 blocks out of the way.

Now of course this entire time i was listening to WCBS 88 because, like DUUH, the game was suspended for the next two hours. They kept on describing how horrible, and dangerous, and stay inside, etc. Thanks alot morons. Oh and even better "There is a storm warning in the NY area" Its not a storm warning, its a storm happening. Shizzle.

And yes the storm was even WORSE where I was then in Da Bronx.

Then there are the cars. I couldnt ride on the sidewalk, niot that I ever do, but in certain spots you dont have a choice. Well anyways I hear it. Hooooooooooooooooonk
hoooooooooooonk.

Note to self : dont attempt to take left, right, or both hands off the handlebars multiple times to try and give anyone that honks a poor wet boy, the finger. They wont see you anyways.

Well lets just say no one, including the escalade with license plate number a--man (I dont like Seinfeld really but thats a sweeet reference), stopped for me. Nor did they mind splashing me when they passed.

Ok, so how much worse could it get. (Ok thank hashem I was safe bc it really was dangerous)

Well I was going down a hill and my breaks werent working anymore, and my sneaks were slipping off the pedals, but that wasnt so bad.
There were three worse things.

When a person is that wet, and wearing clothes, its very uncomfy. Very. When I stopped the first time, I had to kind of lean back on my heels to make sure that the clothes didnt hang in bad spots. Certain areas cant be too hot and cant be too cold.

Plus my sneaks were soaked. When i stopped it sounded like my toes had gargled salt water then someone squished it out of their cheeks in buckets. I had some fun swirling it around in there.

Next of course is when suddenly it kinda stopped raining. The wind was howling, and i thought that i would be the first person to get hypothermia in 100 degree weather. Yay.(CV)

Well I actually asked hashem to make it start again, because i was so uncomfy.

So it did. Im not exactly Choni Hamagel. but it did.

Lets just say the grass is ALWAYS greener.

Well, ok. I got home. Soaked. I went through the garage into the laundry room.

Perfect. I looked left looked right and saw ok the coast was clear.

It is not easy to peel off wet clothes,(Think of a Rhino with those threed opey toes tring to strip off his clingy sweaty smelly undershirt, that says: " I went bikie riding in the rain and allI got was this lousy T-shirt" I know LOL)

but i figured the laundry are was a good place to start.

Well anyways i was stripped down to soaking wet boxers and i hear vrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Thats right folks. The garage door was opening. I hear mommy, sis, and possibly a B.I.L. So I shout. No BIL no BIL. So mom says "no bIL". And befoe i could run upstairs dripping boxer boy was there in full glory. Not a pretty site. Then they run upstairs as I dump everything in to the wash, and I hear ewwwwwww grossssssss. etc.

Well my shower was pretty quick and my fingers and toes were iddy biddy raisenets. Yippee.

Im not really on today....

2006-07-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

Ill do what Mitvuch calls a lazy post. (Thanks Lil sis)

*This was not part of the agreement and its quick. The ban should be lifted after the fast, no? You know who you are.

I might really update tonight or tommorow.

Anyways, this is how I feel today:

Beautiful

2006-07-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

I have a few things to blog about, but due to the amount of work that needs to always get done I cant do it all at once.

I was going to make this a really touching post. I didnt realize that there are people that read this blog, and it uplifts their day knowing someone is angrier about stupid things then they are. They reflect that maybe their life is not so bad. Well to one specific person I was going to put up the video of " Beautiful" by Christinia Aguilara to give this person some emotional uplift.

Well. I have never been so mad in my life. There is not one fat person in the whole video.

List of people that Christinia Aguilara thinks are beautiful:

1. An ugly man. Not just any ugly man, but an ugly man who thinks becoming a woman will help him in some way. Okie dokie. Fine

2. Gay People. Again the point has to really come across strongly. Half the video was these two guys making out. I was grossed out. But again this is part of the theme of the song, and Im not a basher or anything, but thats like soft core porn already.

3. An anorexic little girl. Every rib shows. I wonder where they got this girl from?
What do they say? Hey are there any anorexic girls that want to audition? do they look for the prettiest anorexic girl

And another things on that point, what a great message to send out to young bulemics.

You are beautiful like that. Dont let anyone tell you that you arent. You rock. Keep on starving yourself. Yes I know they meant to say that the person is beautiful and Anorexia is not the answer. But guess what a 14 year old that isnt eating doesnt have the best judgement, and might misunderstand that message just a tad.

4. A little punky skinny kid who wants to have muscles: Dude, first hit puberty then worry about muscles. Most men dont lift and have 16 packs. We have one big fanny pack and a couple of tires. Stop reading GQ. And really christy, do we need this message too? Oh that poor 11 year old doesnt think he is beautiful. Guess what? He was working out because the 17 year old bully that was left back 600 times is stealing his milk money everyday.

Advice to kid: When he is older you can swindle him out of all his money, if he has any. Though he might still be in 4th grade at that point.
or: bring the weights to school and use those to defend yourself.

5. The punky guy with the spikey hair: Um where do you people live? They are ugly?! That lady on the bus is moving away from him. Hahahahahahaha. There are 2 things people should know:

1) on a bus if the person doesnt smell or look like they have body lice, if everyone else moves away from him/her, you move closer. More room.
2) There are more people that look like that these days on the train anyways. She should have had a regular whitebread kid who looks "normal" and showed everyone moving away from him. I think they need the ego boost.

So the bottom line is: all those people are really beautiful, but MTV decided that the public could not deal with a fat person. I want to see a fat guy with every tire mark and jolly step he takes.

Now that I think about it the only fat people you see on that channel eat oxen you know what, and cover themselves in mayo and ketchup for 100 bucks.

I know now I know fat people = bad for ratings.

And another thing. Poor Christinia Aguilara. She isnt exactly ugly. I dont need a good looking person to tell me that Its ok to be ugly. She cranks out this song like she was abused by the world because of her ugliness. Im not saying she cant sing (like Brit Spears and co) but lets just say that there are more reasons then her voice that made her popular.

The writer of the song was probably ugly. She should have gotten Cher to sing it.

Edit: Perturbed Mom doesnt like that one, so Ill throw her another to balance out:
(though its less tznius and has a gay puppet in it, go figure)

I recieved the craziest(funniest) Voicemail

2006-07-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

I know no one will believe me but until I can figure out how to put this up online you will have to .

Anyways I wake up this morning and turn on my phone and lo and behold I have one new message.

The message (I will not repeat it word for word) sounded like a guy that was definately not one of my friends. I dont need to go further then that. Im just saying that it was not one of my friends prank calling me.

Anyways, he had a kind of waynes world stoner voice, but it was laced with concern.

He starts off saying: " Hey its bill, Im sorry about the dog Mr. _______ (I couldnt make out the name),

then he continues

"but It wasnt my fault it was steve,"
(at this point early in the morning my intrest in now piqued)

he continues "you see steve didnt see your dog there on the floor."
(um ok where the heck is this going)

(the guy sounded really upset at this point)

"He thought it was a pot hole and he dumped the tar and backed the steam roller over it."
(at this point i was in brain overload. I was like whaaaaaaaaaaaat??11! Sick but concerned at the same time.)

"You see I was the one who took out the dog tag"
(oh my gosh, this was heavy stuff and the visual!)

"and Im really sorry."
(like that was gonna cut it)

"I guess your lawyers, no um i guess my lawyers will call your lawyers."

"sorry".

Only happens to me.

London Bridges

2006-07-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

The cable snapped

oy vey!

Terror has struck yet what can we do?

Daven? Learn, work?

What of my friends?

I never met them

but they are my friends

I am sad, lonely.

I see the sun

-light, not through the window.

Outside, people are there. Never

Met them before. Walking with a glazed stare

I say Hi, they all talk to me about

the cable snapping. Very sad. So

tough was that cable.

Brings us closer together. The terrorists will not win.

In the distance of this meeting.

Through the mass of mourners who are unsure,

of how to interact.

One man shouts

"Cable and roadrunner are up!"

Once again

The streets are empty.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

2006-06-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

I was once driving on the highway, hands at 10 and 2 of course, and I came a up with a brilliant idea.

Sometimes you get an idea where you see the light bulb bing on above your head and you just know its a doozie.

Well that happened to me. I saw the bright light. In fact I was almost blinded by it. I nearly swerved off the road. Then i thought, I see the bulb, but there are 2 problems.
1) Its a fluorescent, and these ideas are always incandescent.
2) I didnt have an idea, just the bright light part.
so right away I knew something was wrong.

It struck me then, that there was the place I was headed to, my beacon of freedom, my light at the end of the tunnel, my final destination : DSW Shoe Warehouse.

Thats right I was on my way to buy shoes. Little did I know that the store was in a huge lightbulb.

As I parked in the lot I saw that that indeed although it was bright inside, there were about 1000 huge fluorescent bulbs lining the store. Not one huge bulb like it seemed from afar.

The problems began when I stepped out of the car into the scorching heat. I dont like the scorching heat. I thought at the time "Hmm this must be what hell feels like". Little did i know. I stepped into the store and I saw a huge fan. Uh Oh. That means the air conditioner doesnt work. But bravo DSW for the fans. You were circulating hor air. Why not have a few employees breath down my neck, literally, so I get the full affect of the circulatory genius you guys put together. The workers might as well have been carrying pitchforks to go with their little red pointy tails, because little did I know I had entered DSW shoe hell.

You always hear that hell is a huge bais medrash. One side ppl love to learn, and the other side people are sitting there waiting for the reccess that never comes.
I have news for you. Hell is a shoe store.

Reason #1: This particular shoe store has no Ac, and in addition has blinding lights inside the store that will give you a ga-run-teed bone fide headache before your day is done.
Reason #2: There are lots of shoes. Rows and Rows. I would say 15 rows of shoes and thirty shoes per row on each side. Thats alot of shoes. The law of averages says that you are bound to find something. Right?

But thats what hell is all about. It seems like a slam dunk good thing on the surface, but when you delve deeper in to the abyss you see that there are no shoes in this store. Nada, Zilp, nothing. You Painstainkingly go through ever shoe just to make sure.

Reason #3: Alas! In row 13 shoe 11 you have found it! The perfect shoe. Its just a weird color. So you frantically rip through the 4 other pairs they have looking for the color you want. Of course you come up empty. You must have done some naughty deeds. Even worse is when you are stupid enough to ask the salesperson do you have any in the back?? Hahahahahahahahaha! There is no "back" what you see is what you get in the crappy devil store.

Reason #4: But wait!! You have found the color! Now Ill let you in a a little secret. The 1size2small franchise was invented at that very moment in that very store. Because They had 3 pairs of the perfect shoe all of them were, you guessed it, one size too small. Blech. Is not like they were waaaaaaay to small or waaaay to big, just a little. Just enough for me to try them on walk around in them, and then realize that they didnt fit.

Reason #5: This is the last reason Ill mention, but there are more I tell ya, many more.

The clearnce section is horrible. They have a color coding clearence system like the goverment has warning levels. The first thing I do, as a proud Jew is try and get lucky on the clearance rack. I always get a little excited because when I make my mad dash to the rack, there is always a little girl with a size 2 shoe and a tiny dog that exclaims : I found these cute little Gucci's for 2 bucks mommy!

Of course I go to my size and start searching. No, No, No, No, YesnO, so frsutrating. You pass over the yellow booots, the green army fatigues. The fake alligator wingtips, the patents leather high heels- hey what are those doing here- and after a few minutes you glance in the direction of the 15 isles of hell, knowing that this, in all probability wont be your lucky 2 dollar day. The worst part is when you go to the size bigger and the size smaller "just to see". Of course they always have one or two pairs of shoes that are "doable". And heck, for 6 bucks mybe its worth the future foot problems. Blech.

-Wait till I take you guys clothes shopping.

*Many tiny exaggerations sprinkled in this post.
** They do indeed have an AC in general.

Girls never catch on, do they?

2006-06-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

(Sorry about the bad and not really entertaining post but I felt i should give u guys something. Im swamped with work. again.)

There are many annoying things about girls who follow sports.

(Ok some girls really know about sports, but they are broadcasters)

1. Most girls arent following the sport they are watching, they are following the tushies. Im serious. The uniforms are really tight and there are constant close ups of these guys. If you listen closely, after a great play you will hear "boy thats a great tush. er i mean .. catch!" Those tight uniforms were a ploy to get more women watching the sport. Little did they know that men would stop watching because
a) they are not interested in seeing every hair and line in David Ortiz's tush
b) They wanted to get "away" while watching the game. Burping with your wife doesnt seem to cut it.
(yes Im aware of the tush patting thing, Ill try and explain that one away when im feeling witty).

2. Girls become overly obsessed with things. Of course you are thinking "Celly those big fatso's that paint their faces green are crazy and obsessed, lol!" I have news for you. Those poeple care at the ballpark, get their attention, then they go back to getting mentally abused by their bosses, children and wives. Then they go eat. Alot.

Girls however are really obsessed. They quickly discard the Garfield posters, barbie dolls, and chad Michael Murray posters, and then proceed to paint huge interlocking NY's on their ceilings and put up posters of their hottests, i mean favorite ballplayers.

Part 2: How to get girls to watch games when they really dont want too.

1. The superbowl. The biggest myth of the superbowl is that the commercials are good. Ahahahahahahahaha. Its clear to me that my great great grandfather was sitting around a table with his buddies (ok not mine but you know what i mean) and was desperate to come up with ways to watch the superbowl.

They all decided to leak to Oprah's great grandmother that women were missing out on great superbowl commercials. Then every woman "demanded" that they watch the superbowl every year. Genius.

Oprah is a magic woman or shamen that has a grip on every woman in the United States. I dont get it.

Of course generations later the men came to believe it too, and the advertisers felt they should try and be funny, and then the networks charged a ton of money for the spots. Yes the beer commercials are good, and the car commercials are usually stupid. We know. Stop yammering.

2. "There are only 2 minutes left". That my friends is one that you must use sparingly.

Scenario: Wife: Hey there Chuck(norris) you have been watching this historic NBA finals game for 2 hours now, I want to watch "Powder" its on ABC.

Chuck: Um ok honey , listen there are only 4 and a half minutes left to the game.

4.5 minutes later.

Wife: Hey chuck time to leave. The girls are here with their poodles.

Choked: Umm listen there are 4 minutes left. Soon. Only four minutes.

Wifey: $#*& you liar you said there were only 4.5 minuts left 5 minuts ago.
Chuck: There are i promise. *looks deep into her eyes* Would i lie to you?
Wife" throws the Mug that has the liquid in the lining that u freeze at his noggin:
"Yes! When you told me this ring Im wearing was diamond, not out of a crackerjack box!"

Chuck: Oh you know about that.

Wife: Thonk.

All men who follow sports know that between 1) Time outs
2) TV time outs(comercials
3) Two minute warnings
4) Distubances (Like streakers and stuff)

Four minutes at the end of a game can last an hour. Teehee. But it works once every couple of years, and only one per girlfreind/wife/mother/sister. (my sis it took some more time for her to catch on, but it was different sports.)

Bad Advertising

2006-06-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

* I forgot to mention that this is an ad from the year 1983, before aids became a well known, worldwide issue.

Things that can be done with 500 bucks.

2006-06-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I have departed with 500 dollars.
I received nothing.
Im slightly upset by this as you can imagine.
People are telling me that it is only 500, and what could I have done with the money?Well Ill give you the top ten:
1o) 500 black and white cookies.
9) 1000 white half black and white cookies
8) 2000 black half of the black and white cookies
7) 300 black and white cookies with peanut butter sandwich
6)250 black and white cookies with peanut butter and marshmellow fluff sandwhich
5)400 Smores black and white cookie sandwhiches
4) 6000 blue and white cookies from Yom Haatzmot on sale in most yesheivish bakeries- still.
3) 300,000 pink and white cookies
2) 5 Black and white cookies and 25 dougies all you can eat meals.
1) 1 Magenta, white, and toupe cookie. Its worth it
1a) 3 therapy sessions.
Yes I need comfort food.

Just another quick thought:
Have the readers Digest editors lost their minds, or does this prove what I feel during blackouts and strikes. (Ok the second blackout, the first one was only practice).

Take a look at this from the readers D:

So, which city emerged as the most polite and which as the rudest? Here’s what we discovered: The Top Three: New York, Zurich, TorontoThey have a reputation for being big-headed, but New Yorkers showed they are big-hearted, too, by finishing first in our global courtesy ratings. They placed in the top five in all three tests and were particularly polite when it came to holding doors open, with only two people failing to do so.“I don’t even think about it,” said syndications assistant Kirsten Chieco, who held the door of one of the Starbucks coffee shops where the tests were done. “Most New Yorkers are courteous.”Surprised? Not former Mayor Ed Koch. Asked to react to our findings, Koch pointed to a rise in New York niceness since the terrorist attacks on the city five years ago. “After 9/11, New Yorkers are more caring. They understand the shortness of life.”
http://http://www.readersdigest.ca/mag/2006/07/polite.php

Im not sure if we appreciate the shortness of life because of 9-11 though. Try crossing the street or driving through the city one time.

Happy Fathers Day!

2006-06-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

Another annoying coke concept.

2006-06-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that annoy me about coke. even pepsi has a couple. This is actually a serious issue and really not meant to be funny at all. Not even a bissel.

1) There are a million different types of cokes. With Lemon, with lime, diet, with caffeine, without, twisted, multiple personality, tar n' nicotine, etc. Im pretty sure they even have this new coke "black", which is coffee flavored coke.

Just a side point: Are they friggin nuts?? Coffee + coke = insane blood pressure levels. Coffee + Coke + chocolate bar + my high school class + regents + nodoz = psychotic teenagers. And don't think they havent come with something comparable to that. It was green, came in a two liter bottle, and I drank it like crazy to stay up all night. Thats right. Suuuuuuurge. Im wired just thinking about it. The FDA must have had a field day ripping that one off the market.

2) Then there is sprite. Im wondering if coke is halacha and sprite is torah shebeksav lehavdil (only kidding) because while coke is always changing, sprite stays the same. Pure and simple. Of course I dont drink sprite, or any other regular soda. (No Im not gonna do the " why do people order a triple cheese burger with a diet coke bit"). Diet sprite is disgusting, though i prefer it over non flavored warm, musty seltzer.

The point is that sprite should be changed a little. The best light soda is Diet Cherry Seven Up. I can see it now bubbling in my cup, the frothy CO2 bubbling over the side of a cool glass, on the beach in malibu with gir.... um er where was I. Oh right. So 7 up realized, hey! lets add cherry to the darn thing! woopie!

Sprite said " lets tell coke what 7 up did!" Such morons. Im angling for a taste testing job at Ben N' Jerrys (because contrary to popular belief in that moronic company "silly" names dont sell. I would like to know what is actually in my ice cream, images of monkey throwing up chunks, and dead fish dont work for me),
but coke is next in line.
3) Oh and one last thing is their old classic, cherry coke.

You might have wondered why there are 6 pictures of cherry coke. Well I decided to ponder the evolution of the cherry coke wrapper. Its something that always bothered me. I wonder if that makes it good advetising or not.

Pic one is circa. 2004, two is 1986, three is 2000, four is 1994, five is 1990.

lets go through this quickly for those that have A.D.D.:

1985/6: Not bad for that era. It might be the lack of computers in the eighties that made everythng so ugly. The clothes the hair, the people etc. This list now includes the cherry coke can. When i first saw it I thought it looked very "seventies", but it might be even less cool. In fact it has a certain old school charm to it. fine.

1990: Uh oh. They needed a change! They had some more technology to work with, so they felt the need to add color. The cherry color. Ok. But ow I know where rokeach and other jewish companies get their newfangled soda bottle designs. The "New" on the can might actually be true. They might have done the same stupid thing they did to coke, change the recipie. Why not? It was working, so change it! Good idea. I wonder if its really called cherry coke classic too. Morons.

1994: This change gets my panties all in a bunch. Its like ugly purple wallpaper. But not so bad. It has the cherries on it. But really, is it any worse/better then the old version? Will i start drinking this now? Answer: No! In fact those idiots were marketing towards me! I started drinking Dr. pepper at the moment i saw this. (Yes they are re-using this can now as well. another really smart move in the era where every kid is doing graphic design on their mommys macs.)

2000: Huh? This one was a shocker. I have to admit I was kinda attracted to the little guy. It was so ridiculous a design on so many levels. All you readers are used to this design, but when it first came out you could not believe how bad it was.
Its biggest problem was probably the fact that the "crazy" lines were giving people internal seizures. Wonderful.
Lets try and re-create how this design came about. There are 15 "suits" sitting in coke towers. and they are all discussing how horrible their cherry coke design is.

Larry: " Hey Sherbert I bet you my 3 year old can come up with a better design then your pansy purple n' cherry disaster from '94"

Sherby: "Ok you're on larry. Lets put the advertising of this multi-million dollar soft drink in the hands of box of crayola's and a 3 year old"

Larry: "10 bucks?"

Sherby: "you're on"

Larry to kid: Hey what did you learn today "vannila twist?"

kid: " how to color black magic!"

Larry: " thats great. can you come up with design? Ill write in the letters cherry coke on it afterwards" (yes that is Larry's handwriting)

Next day

Larry to semi retarted board: "Wala! Here it is"

Semi retarted Board room after a couple of drinks to get over their hangovers:

The rest is history.

Newest design: boring, and looks like all the other coke product designs. Sheesh.

Thanks for the convenience

2006-06-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

You know how things are done for public convenience? Thats right. Like EZ pass. Or metrocards. Or a chip that can be placed in little kids kidneys so they wont get lost. Or the little hotel room cards we use now instead of keys. Well just an FYI, these are all part of the way that Big Brother can also conveniently moniter use so we can be "safe".

Thats not really my beef. I just hate it when things are marketed as being convienent for us when they really arent. I mean c'mon guys dont insult our intelligence.

The new 1 liter bottles of coke were through me for a loop. I still remember the first time I saw them. I was shopping for shabbos, and I know exactly how many bottles we need. Exactly. I need ma so-da. Yet i go to the aisle, and there are the 1 liter bottles.
2 for 2 dollars!!!! Procalimed the sign. Thats the first problem, cause the store I shop at sold coke for 1.07 a bottle. A BOTTLE OF 2 LITERS, MORONS!
But the first reaction is yaaaaaay I save 14 cents! Then your brain kicks in and says, "something is off dude." Oh crap. It looks like I'll have to buy double the bottles now for shabbos.

But wait, I thought that coke came up with an ingenious way to sell us less soda for more money, but noooo they actually just care about the consumer. The consumer for the last 40 years had a really hard time pouring. I mean its really hard to do. The baby boomers are getting older and the arthritis is kicking in.

P-ulease, anyone over the age of 10 can pour, or at least figured out that gosh golly they have 2 hands. Thats right 2 for the price of 1. "But celly sometimes if you dont hold the cup it spills!"

Oh ok good point. Use a glass cup, like you have been doing for the last 10 years or ask someone else to pour for you. I seriously dont care that you cant pour. Ill concede that the 3 liter bottles are a little crazy to hold, but who wants 2 liters of dead soda anyways?

Of course the Jewish companies now have a long a narrow container thats "easy to hold". Thanks guys. Now Ill have to a) get another job so all my kids can have a glass of juice in the morning, or b) I can teach my 2 year old kid how to pour his juice all over the floor, I mean its so convenient even HE can grab it. Vey convenient. Try and block out the fact that the very same companies that make the OJ containers have handles on their milk containers. Amazing.

One last problem with those stupid one liters are that they are too small for a full blown out meal, yet too big to drink while waiting for the train. What would that commercial look like. A guy in his crisp white shirt grabs his grabbable 1 liter and take a huge swing. The next scence shows him with paper towels with a bottle of selzter cleaning off his shirt because it all came out to fast. Thanks again for the convenience guys.

(Do not get me started on those 4 ounce "botties" of water. Do YOU find 4 ounces enough to quench YOUR thirst?)

A Quick Note

2006-06-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

The Brits had 4 years to come up with fight songs for the world cup. But this one really is horrible.

The makers of the Crazy Frog ring tone presents this :

Random Obseravtions of Eretz Hakodesh

2006-06-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

Flatbush that is.... There are many observations that one can make about this new and interesting land. Feel Free to add your own. (This is not a bashing thread)

1. I kind of understand the need to sleep with noise. I live in an area where the cars do zoom by all night. When I go to a quiet area like the Catskills it is a little hard to fall asleep. It’s even harder to sneak into the kitchen and eat all the fattening food in the middle of the night. What I don’t understand, is the attraction to moving on Ocean Parkway. Not around the corner, but actually on top of it. It’s smelly loud and full of people. There are thousands of cars that drive by at all times of the night.

Now if you have ever been to the side of any highway that runs through a neighborhood, you will notice that it is less then attractive, for the most part. If you go to Queens BLVD, which is pretty busy as well, and even claims to be the BLVD of death (Lo aleinu) you will see that it is surrounded by Apartment buildings. The rich people in Forest Hills actually built a beautiful little town FAR away from the noisy street. This brings me back to who actually lives right next to this noisy avenue that gives little or no privacy to its inhabitants. Rich People. I kid you not. Rich people buy up the property, that’s right people they knock down the house that was there, cement over any remaining greenery that might have existed before, and rebuild a tall, narrow but beautiful house.
Have you ever played with Dominoes? You line them all up next to each other and click them over till they all fall down? Well that’s what the houses look like on Ocean Parkway. Tall Narrow and just asking for a little wind to knock em all over.
First of all there is the noise issue, you get the ambulances, Hatzolah, police, shomrim, hockers and others that use their lights and sirens constantly.
Then of course, as any good NY driver knows you get the honking. Every time the light turns green. That means the second the light turns green *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK HONK HONK* which is followed by the obligatory F you and the like. This actually gets worse as the night progresses. Think about it, the later people get home the angrier they are.

Much like having a house next to an amtrack station or NJ transit, this location blows.
Don’t forget about the constant Parades, New Sefer Torah's, Riots(hey you never know), Kids hanging out on shavuos night because it is pretty cool to do that , Levayas of Huge Gedolim (C"V) and the like. This leads to no privacy.

I was at R' Avigdor Miller's zatzal's levaya and literally I was standing on some dudes porch. They had closed their shades so tightly; if you ran through the window with a baseball bat the shades would have bounced that baby back into your head.

Haven’t you ever walked into your room after a shower and forgot to clothes the shades?? You scream ahhhhhhh omg omg omg, then drop to the floor and feel for the blinds cord. Well if you live on Ocean Parkway you will be lucky if one of the 4000 people who saw you in your full glory didn’t take a picture of you and plaster it on the internet with the fateful words “Caption this." No wonder the people who live there have a house in Florida and Deal.

One other observation on these houses. If you spend millions on such a house, why do you have the K-mart special plastic chairs out front? Seriously.

Ill stop with one because I am getting the feeling most people don’t read through the entire post anyways. Hey Im not so funny all the time, deal with it.

Im not as special as you are

2006-05-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

Dont ask me if I like music. No, let me rephrase that, dont ask me if I like music, then test me on my knowledge of music history.

If I say, "Man that was a great song." Assume that I dont know the name of the song or the artist. I have news for you: IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.
At this point the guy is livid. How is it possible that you like the song but dont know the name??? Well retardo, I like MUSIC. If I liked names I would think of names for my future children.

And you cant just like the music, you have to know it. The seemingly innocent question " Do you like ?" If you answer in the affirmative you are in big trouble. First this dusty nerd will dust of his Trivial Pursuit game on that particular band, take out a jewel case, smack you across the face with it, and challenge you to a duel.

Ifyou are in this situation, explain the snot that you are "only into the music man", and that you try not to "concentrate" on the "outside forces" that might "take away" from the "purity" of matchbox twenty or Guns n' Roses.

If you do this you might be able to avoid trivia such as "How many pimples did Lars have in the second version of the music video"one"?

Then of course if you say you like the music, there are those that will ask you how each song makes you feel. If you give the wrong "feeling" you become a fraud. Another important tidbit: I don't put that much thought into anything (as evident from this blog) and I especially dont think how I feel when I listen to "Stairway to Heaven." Shocking I know. Music is just a way to chill, not my religion.

Dont think Jewish music fans are better. They are even worse. Pompous. So very Pompous. If you dare say that you bought the third solid Gold CD for that one song that sounds like the Lion King, you will get blasted. I mean c'mon dude its Solid Gold. Jewish performers always put their best songs on CD's that dont have their names plastered across the front of it.

Knowing the music is not even enough in the Jewish world. Most of the mainstream stuff is pretty well known, and the Hits are so few these days most people Know it.

You better be quick with the Trivia. "Do you know that the kid in yeshiva Boys Choir, second row 4 deep, smoked Yeedles second to last Cigarette, on his mothers birthday?

You also need to own every Jewish CD that ever came out. No cheating. You cant buy the CD's later and then claim that you own everthing, you must pay the full 20 dollars for all the CD's when they come out. You also need a couple of obligatory autographs and the likes.

The most important thing that a jewish music fan must have, is of course, a relation to a singer. You must know his family, what he eats for supper, if he farts after eating to much cholent, and if he does a good Job with kabolos Shabbos. No jokes.

And then there are the sports Junkies. Oy Vey. "So are you a Baseball fan?" "Yes."
"Oh really?" "Yes, a Yankee fan." "Did you suffer through the tough years??? Through the eightees and early ninties when they were a bad team???? Huh??" " Um no dude, I was about 3,4,5 - 12 in those years. I enjoyed Mashed peas, and Mr. Rogers Neighborhood mostly."
"Well then you arent a reeeeeeeeeeal fan, you have to suffer first. Suffffffer. You here me kid??"

"Yes, sir. I mean I became a fan of baseball because I thougt they were a good exciting team to watch, and they bring me joy. I guess it makes sense to try and suffer so I can be a real fan like you." (I can go on about hockey fans, but I dont want to bore you any further)

The bottom line is, that sports is entertainment. I guess to be a real fan of movies you have to watch Gili over and over again.

Again sports is a way to chill and procrastinate not a religion. (Dont tell that to the Texans and thier High School football religion.)

Stop!

2006-05-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

Signs.

They are amazing things. Come in all different forms. The first thing they tell you is stop once then again. Of course no one does.

The best part about stop signs are the fact that people never actually come to a complete stop. Its says stop buddy. Let me tell ya, ask not what your steel toe Docs can do for you, but what you can do for your steel toe docs. Thats right folks, they save toes. I was crossing once and this suburban (a friggin full size SUV) rolls through the stop sign. Ah, but not just through the stop sign but over my toes. Didnt feel a thing. Not because they were numb. You get my drift.

Just a side point, if you are 4 ' 10'' and a woman, or even a man,
1) It looks weird when we see the tippy top of your head and your fingers and maybe, just maybe a flash of eyelash over the steering wheel when you drive an enormous SUV. It doesnt make you any bigger or taller(ANYWHERE).

2) Dont roll over people toes. Its just wrong.

Ok as I was saying. There are two scenarios that are NOT laid out for you in the NYC drivers permit handbook. Four Way stop sign scenarious that is. Ok so your yelling now, YUH HUH.

well hear me out dogz:
1) 4 crazy stop sign rollers(or worse) come to a stop sign. They all assume the others will stop, four car pile up(cv).

2) 4 out of towners are sitting on the stop signs they come to and painting the letters over to make sure everything looks as pretty as back home. (ok the Out of town rant is for another time, but bottom line, NYC rocks. Unless your a pansy of course.) They all just keep doing the hand waving thing letting the other person go. They are waving so frantically that you feel a sand/garbage in the streets storm begin. Of course they never once honk their horn.

The question is: which scenario is better? One or two. Assume everyone is ok.
If you are are a New Yorker you pick one. Why? Because it akes less time for the cops to come fill out reports, tow the cars away, and take a cab too work. Out Of Towners will choose 2 because the signs DO need painting. (Maybe a nice magenta)

Of course scenario two won't last long, as a New Yorker comes out from behind, honks a few times. Kills all 4 drivers, takes thier wallets, CD's Jewlery and strips the cars down. That is actually quicker then number one. Pick your poison.

My favorite stop signs are the Human ones. Thats right. The guys who dont want to actually do constuction are given a red flag and an orange jacket. HAHAHAHAHAHA. That little red flag aint stoppin nothing. I feel for these guys, as they have to time the traffic and at just the right time, they jump in. If they are lucky we wont be scarping him off the pavement. I kid you not.

Last but not least you are bikeriding, and you come to a stop at a stop sign and right behind you a huge hummer barrels through it. You of course check it out, smile and wave as they shout out something to you that sounds like this:
"efwf wrethgr
weffwef ffe qregqer"

The words are kind of jumbled at first.

Then as they pass the words kind of straighten out and you hear clearly. " Hitler was right". or "Your mother is a _________."

You promptly speed up and then realize if you cant catch spandex,you aint catching those guys. Plus they are bigger than you and they might kill you in various ways.

Instead you laugh at how STUPID hummers are because they guzzle gas.
It must cost a million bucks to fill that thing.

Then you pedal right on though a light.

*If you read this you can comment. I might even love you if you do.
** Hi.

Inspired by a poet (zj)

2006-05-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

Attention attention that all that i seek

If i blogged for myself Id stop in a week.

Frustration? Drama? thats what you want?

And the truth is its there in invisible font

Why, oh why, do you search and explore

For some unknown name and the secrets they store

Its sad, its depressing and brings us all down

For once we should welcome non- intelligent clowns

Poetry is deep, drama is cruel

Cynicism is toxic, while humor is fuel

fools gold makes us happy

their writings do to

stop the complications for a second

and have some fun dude.

Start Spreadin' the News.

2006-05-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Its not in my job description to write about my day. However I have some random thoughts on last nights Yankee win.

First off if you have a short legged heavyish friend going to the game with you, SLOW DOWN. He cant keep up with you.

Also the whole stadium is a tease. You start walking up the ramp, and it keeps going. and going.and going. But then you see it. An oasis of hope. Yoy are done walking up. Uh no its just the lodge section. Keep walkin' fatty. At this point you cant breath. You wonder if that heavy lunch was worth it. You start cursing out the yankees, your shoes, bin laden, and entemenns. It always comes back to them. Then you smell it, the hotdogs/urine/popcorn smell of the upper deck. You feel right at home.

You catch your breath but then you see something that takes your breath away. What did celly belly see? He saw the kosher stand. The friggin kosher stand.

So based on the last few posts that you havent read or COMMENTED on you think "oh here we go again he will talk about how he loooooves hotdogs and now he can get one at a game."

Bzzzzzzt try again idiot.

You cant tell me that a hot dog can ever be worth 5 bucks. Ok if i was hungry i would buy one. But one is never enough. And then you need a drink. Thats 14 75 baby. Armed with a hotdog I was ready for the game.

Another thing I noticed is how people(ok it was me) with no rhythm should not cheer and clap with the other fans. For example. I heard dadadaddum on the loudspeaker and I screamed chaaaaaaaaaaar... dadum. darn. i missed my que. I always jump the gun. Oh and when the entire stadium takes off their cap for the national anthem, and you are wondering why you are getting stares from fellow fans, TAKE OFF YOUR CAP. ok.

3) And so it happened. That bottle of water (2.25 no jokes) wanted out. So i figured i would get a quick repreive. I would go in and out and run back.

I get to the restroom, running at high speeds (and there is alot of momentum there trust me), when I see the sign.
"men"
That magic word. That was the only thing i saw obviously as I rammed into this huge dude waiting to get in. That almost threw a wrench my ever so delicate balance of holding it in. I also contemplated usuing the womens bathroom, and made sure I had my affairs in order before mt bladder expoded. (Of course I heard crazy cheering and though i ws missi ng exciting play.)

Well the line was long. There are many stalls in there but the line was still out the door. I had tears in my eyes. Tears of desperation. I started asking hashem why beer blocks ADH production. Why! Anyhow i finally got in. Its not a pretty sigh. Blech.

There is also such a thing as proper bathroom ettiqiute. Its similar to the way one behaves on the subway in NYC. No eye contact. In a bathroom you better look staight aheadat that wall. That wall was the most interesting think I have ever studied. It took on a life of its own. (Thats cooler if you read the yellow wallpaper (n) .

Ok so i messed up. Dont ever look over. ever. But I was curious. Its not what you think. The guy was in in the line of sight of my wall. He was holding something over the stall, but with my rigorous concentration, I couldnt quite make it out. So I slightly turned. Slightly. The dude was no happy. He was holding his fries. He bought fries (probably for some sucker friend of his) and brought them in with him. I cant tell you how nasty that was. But what they hey they are yellow anyways. Can you imagine what micro organisms were floating around. And really think for a second. The fries were close to my nose, very close. I couldnt smell them. Ok lets move on.

GD bless America! That bothered me. No not the fact that we sang it, the fact that they put that up on the screen with an exclamation point. Its so nerdy. Its sounds like this this in my mind.
gd(ok fine) bless(still ok they might even get the whole thing in ) Americ- a! What the heck? Oh they want me to be excited about America. But i didnt realize. Oh shizzle. Now I have to read it again.

will you marry me joan? (oh crap its gone now).

Oh right. The game was good. Blaylock almost ruined it in the ninth. Phew. Oh and the friend I went with is hilarious.

First seder.

2006-05-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

Bochur One: Man this is a short Tos
2: Yeah not much to explain what he is driving at
1:looks down and concentrates for 2 second
2: copies 1
1:Hey maybe we should check out the Maharsha
2: flip flip
1: overflips
2: Do you see anything on this tos?
1:(flips back) um err think so
2: It has no shaychis to the sugyah
1: sure?
2: Lets ask Rebbe1: Noooooo! Then we are admitting we are to dumb to learn a simple short tos
2:Lets ask ____________-- the older bochur next to us
1: you ask
2: Hey Shmelky whats this tos saying?
Shmelky: Look at the Maharam
2: K good idea
1: Nuu?
2: Im going to get the Sharrei Tos
1: Ill get the artsroll and see if its brought down on the bottom
2:make sure no one sees you
1: No prob
1: waits on line for the tattered artscroll
2: Sees 3 pages on this little tos and blanches.
2:anxiously waits for one
1: After 20 minutes and a coffee figures out tos.
1:explains tos too 2
2:So thats what the maharsha was saying
1: right
2: So we get like 20 minutes of batalah time know right?1: thats 10 cents a minute, but its worth it.
Later in Shiur: 1 and 2 realize they did the wrong tos for shiur
chazarah for shiur: tic tac toe.

Smooth as a baby's bottom.

2006-05-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Biking with spandex

2006-05-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

If you wear spandex while bike riding you better be a professional. You better be training to replace Lance armstrong for the tour de freedom. Otherwise you are a faker.

When I say faker I mean it. Its worse then those who are chassidish every other yom tov.

Spandex people are cheaters. Well before I get to that lets note that if you are wearing those little spandex shorts hunched over your 17000 dollar bike you better get your rump in shape. I dont need to see you quiver back there every time you pedal. Its disgusting. Crude but true.

You must also note that spandex people usually leave non spandex people behind them. Why you ask? Oh, it doesnt matter what age you are, or even if you have a physical disability, you always seem to win. Lets delve into the mind of a spendex biker.

1) Every aspect of your "outfit"(yeah I know they have biking outfits) must be aerodynamic. Thats right. So you might notice their helmets first. They Watch the cone heads and quickly use that as their model for aerodynamic success on their precious koppels. You are all a bunch of nerdy nerds.

2) Dress for success. You must always look good while working out. Maybe they also wax all the hair off their bodies beforehand. Gimme a break. When one works out you should be a disgusting sweaty mess afterwards. You spandies might not believe me, but you will not be donning a yellow Jersey on TV at the end of your little trip. You guys arent even biking to work out. Its wrong and you are clogging the road.

3) That brings me to the third point. Thery always need a "special path". Thats right. Much like those that buy hummers that will never go off road, they buy 10000 dollar bikes that are oh so delicate and light that even the slightest wind will raise their speed 5mph. You could prob eat one if you put it in your bowl of rice krispies.
Us non spandex people play dodgeball with them.(Thats the manly version of machanayim for you girls)

4) The worst aspect of spandies are their smug disgusting additude to us baggy shorts wearing, bulky cd player in the pocket, slightly overweight, wheezing that sounds like an airplaine taking off at kennedy, heavyish bike people. You "passed" us. Woopdie freakin do. Maybe we should get off our bikes and bow down to you. Im sure you are sprinkling roses when you have to go as well.

Lets think for a second. You are dressed to make sure that you cut through the wind like a knife, you are extra competitive when riding on your smooth, paved, no hills path, and your bike weighs less then my dear aunt sallys left pinky toe. You better friggin beat me.

That brings me to my last point. I beat you guys down too. Thats right boys. That flash of bulk. That smooth flapping of my baggy sweatpants, that heavy tniking sound of my gears is me.

No it wasnt a lunar eclipse passing over your tiny "lithe" self. It was me passing you. And Im already half way home by the time you are done crying.

The it dawns on you that my 8 year old 300 dollar bike out did your. Ouch.

*OK OK it only happened twice and it was a 90 year old man and 19 year old whimpy looking kid. But still.

**And dont pretend to not notice, when you pass and thereby scare the bejeezus out of me, causing me to careen into innocent roller bladers.

You Guys win. But so do I.

2006-05-15T08:02:00.001-07:00

I will have to shorten my posts. Its turns out that I have way to much to do.

Priceless

2006-05-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

Cheating

2006-05-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

When one goes to cheat on ones diet one likes to do it quick.

First I put on my gameface. There should be some type of music in the background. If you cant pull it off then think hard about eye of the tiger. (Be warned it might be in your head later when you feel guilty.)

Then make sure you have some kind of goal or object in your mind. If you crave Dougies, then make sure you keep that goal in mind. Its better if you see the specific object of desire. If you think wings and go poppers that slight change can throw your entire mission off balance.

The more adept you get at cheating, the more you can stray. Instaed of ordering just the wings, you can order a side or two (depending how devastating the [Insert bad grade/teenage angst issue here]. The best cheater can actually run to Dougies then break off into another store for dessert. That is reserved for those that are Binging. Binging is another post in general.

A serial Binger will run madly from store to store and even pick up a DVD or sefer so he/she can have a comfortable cheating experience.

If you dont have the object in mind there are other distractions that might keep you from cheating. For example: Youy are full court press running to the cheating store of your choice, then suddenly your physical trainer says "hi", you quickly wipe off the maniacal desperate face and give a tentative "hi" back.

In the meantime you are reading his/her face searching it to see if he/she can tell what horrible deed you are about to commit. You look harder. No. No clue. Ssssafe. Ah so you think. A non-focused cheater will be thrown off by the "so where are you headed?" A seemingly innocent Questions. You answer "The fruit store then Ill see you in the Gym tonight." D'oh! You ruined it. You were going to be happy and complete and now you will be fruity and sweating away in the stinky Gym. Blech.

Ok now that you have a visual of the object you can leave the house. CAUTION: Be cool. If you run out of the house initially people will tip off your parents/S.O./future S.O./shadchan as to what you are doing. Trust me on this. Neighbors (and siblings) have loooong memories. Like elephants.

The best way to get to a cheating destination is to get the least amount of fresh air as possible. Fresh air might kill the bad mood/ or desire to clog your arteries. It has this natural effect on the human psyche. Be careful. So if possible go straight into the garage and hop into the car. Keep the windows firmly shut. In the car you want to avoid talk stations like WOR because they tend to have health/doctor talk that might(doubtful but you never know) sway your decision.

When you get to the store find a close spot, or go to a place has a lot. If there is no close space then drive to another store.

Aha you think thats bad advice because you might lose your concentration. However usually the ravenous hunger is better then any visual of a meatball and will drive you like a wild person to another closer and easier spot.

Once inside the store DO NOT GET DISTRACTED! Lock and load. Get what you first desired. Then you can have your fun. Pick out sides a dessert etc. However be warned that if you over do your cheat yu may never cheat again. Why? because you will be sick. Sick people dont eat the food that made them get sick in the first place. (see spinach slices).

OK. You did it. You bought the food. The hardest part is now. You want to rip the food out of its wrapping and chug. You want to mash it up with your fists and drink it with a straw. Thats how hungry you are. Yet you wait. You know that patience is a virtue. You close your eyes count 10 of whatever you got in your head, and lower your blood pressure. (Im assuming that the BP will go back up later.)

You drive slowly, and calmly back into your garage and take your food upstairs.

You have to understand. You cant even have a taste. Not because you cant stop,. Its just the opposite. You might stop. You might say " hmm maybe im not so hungry after all, maybe this is just a reaction to some minorly stressful situation" NOOOOOOOOO. You have to grab this zrizus and continue with ur mission. So where were we? Ahh yess. You are going up those strairs to the house. This is a special moment. You unwrap and smell the wonderful food. It doesnt have to smell good, it could be cake or something. But if you are smart you will have some utensils. A good cheater knows that the kitchen is the worse place to cheat. Its to convienent and makes it less exotic. Better the den or the [i wont say it as family members read this ;0, no not the sherutim].

Ok now eat. Oh yeah. It was worth it.

Ill follow with Part two some time later. The walking cheater. and The aftermath of cheating. I just dont think you can read so much drivel at once.

OH OH OH DONT FORGET: ALWAYS BUY A DRINK. WATER WILL NOT CUT IT.

I think Im funny

2006-05-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. I really do. Kinda. I know Im corny, but I think that at times I am funny. Like this Joke:

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Ok fine not that one.

Not the type of funny that is funny without knowing it. That might be true too. (Anyone have a mirror? Ok thats not funny)

What is really funny anyhow? Some people find Stephen King funny. I cant compete with that. I think that everyone finds flatulence funny. Thats right. The ol' toot toot. Of course Mincha on shabbos is NOT funny for those present. You just know which wife makes a good cholent. Its not funny when the guy who does it yells "SAFETY" after kedusha.

But think about it, a guy is giving his graduation speech and then suddenly [Insert sudden sound effect here]. Instant comedy. Ok so what else makes people laugh? Those jokes that arent funny. You know " Why did the girl fall off the swing?" horrible stuff, yet people laugh at that. (I was just being polite if/when i did.)

So when i started this short lived blog (you really think i can blog when Im married??? I dont think so, Ill be wearing a (hopefully) 19 inch LCD moniter around my head) I wanted to be funny.

So I wrote two posts. And people (I think) took me seriously. Ouch. That means it was so not funny that you bloggers felt sad and depressed that my life could have such horrible things happen. I mean cmon the poor dude can only afford the Pink Razr. *sob*.

Its OK I wil try different Genres of comedy every single day.

I think that everyones comments should start with "HAHAHAHAHAHA that was a good one celly I couldnt stop laughing, then go on to write [insert serious dire coment here]"

I get it though. People want their blogs read. (Is my counter top over 30? I didnt thinks so. oh well. Doesnt bother me. Im doing this for me. Riiiiiiight). So in order to be read you must read. And comment. So a quick reading of the title and *wala* a comment on the title. I know that it couldnt be that the peoples of the internet dont get comedy. Because gosh darn it (thats funny if done in butters voice) Im funny. (whose butters you ask?)

Ok lets make people laugh today. Ready: Ok you have to out loud read these words.
HAHAHAHAHHEHEHEHEHHAWHAWHAW GEFAW GEFAW HICCUP.
Ok thats so not funny my onion is crying. (that line was also sadly not funny.)

We ll anyhow if you did read those words its very much like reading crossed out lines. Stupid.

I was told not to make fun of the readership. When i have some Ill keep that in mind.
-cellar door

Im thinking about deleting this post. If I saw this on another blog I might hunt down and punch myself in the face. Now thats funny. Or is it?

Counters

2006-05-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

What is the purpose of a counter?

If you have granite countertops they stay cool even in the summer.

If you have an argument someone else can counter it.

If you have a castle and like blood, or you like to count you can be a count. errr?

If you like numbers you can be a counter.(i know hehe im friggin hilarious)

IF YOU HAVE A BLOG IT HAS LITTLE NUMBERS ON THE BOTTOM THAT GO UP EVERY TIME SOMEONE LOOKS AT IT.

KINDA DUMB WHEN ALL THE HITS ARE FROM YOU.

Its ok because i keep on going to it from various places. Ill pad it for y'all. Make you think its popular.

Pinky?

2006-05-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

So i need a new cellphone plan. T-mobile has great customer service. woopie. Verizon here i come. The most important thing about the service is the service. When i cant talk to people in my own house, thats a problem.

I thought I could make decisions. I cant. All I had to do was choose a phone. I only wanted a flip. The non flips screen that i had was so scratched up, i could barely see the glow of the backlight. So i boiled it down to two phones that would cost me an extra fidy bucks. Now before you say that 50 bucks is alot, think about it. 2 years. 2 long years of dropping it, pretending to be on it, dropping it in the toilet, davening mincha into tell me with it. Yelling IM IMPORTANT into it.

2 years is a looong time to be with that phone. You want to cheap out now? I know I know thats 50 black and white cookies. (with inflation maybe less now, nebach). Think about how many pictures you could take with it. Yes I want a camera.

So i settled on the LG vx8100 or the samsung sch a950. Theyare both the same phone pretty much. The problem is that flips are thicker, and that does not bode well for me. I look like im carrying a piece in my pocket. My pants are so tight with that phone i need something thinner.

So i was scrolling down the phones and I saw it "the razr" [chime the music.]

With the razr I could be cool. Me, cool. I can have a sleek, skinny(what more important then that) "in" phone. Of course in two years it will be outdated, but whose counting. Anyways the black razr was 150 bucks. Yeah, no. Maybe for a 20 years plan. Maybe. The pink razr was 70. Uh oh. Thats close to 50. I was in a quandry. I could get the pink one. The pink would mark me as very attractive and self confident in my manliness. It would also get way to many stares. I do not want my phone attracting attention. Ok I just lied. Just not that type of attention.(Why else would I create this blog anyways???)

I thought about getting a cover for it. But i read a review on the phone, and it doesnt turn off. Plus when it has a low battery it beeps. It frigging beeps. I never charge my phone, and I turn it off. I dont want calls at 300 am. Or at 12:00 for that matter.

But its soooooooooooo thin.

Oh did i mention i dont know how to use technology? The other phones have V cast, mp3 and other things that i wont be able to use. Well if my sis says its cool, its cool. (I feel like my grandparents when they were buying their toaster.)